MATCH THE PLA YER

You’d think they would be the per­fect bed­fel­lows, but football and rock ‘n’ roll don’t al­ways go to­gether hand in hand, as FourFourTwo ex­plains…

Australian Four Four Two - - FOOTBALL & MUSIC -

When you hear some­one has been grounded for sneak­ing off to see Ed Sheeran, you pic­ture a re­bel­lious teen rather than, say, Bri­tain’s top in­ter­na­tional ref­eree. And yet, to ter­race mock­ery and tabloid joy, Mark Clat­ten­burg was sus­pended for a week in Oc­to­ber 2014 for flout­ing the rule that of­fi­cials travel to­gether on match­days to pro­tect their ‘in­tegrity and se­cu­rity’. In­stead, he drove home solo from West Bromwich Al­bion’s match against Crys­tal Palace in or­der to catch Sheeran’s New­cas­tle show. Mark Clat­ten­burg is 41 years old. Trou­bled Lib­er­tine Pete Do­herty (right) ran a QPR fanzine and wrote an­gry let­ters to FFT be­fore be­ing se­duced by the dark side of rock and crack co­caine, and the old ri­val­ries re­mained in­tact. Dur­ing a celebrity Soc­cer Six tour­na­ment at Mill­wall’s New Den in 2008, Do­herty dodged pa­parazzi by hid­ing in the chair­man’s of­fice – and couldn’t re­sist spend­ing a sneaky penny. Se­cu­rity guards thought he was steal­ing a tro­phy; in fact, the story goes, he was “fill­ing it up” with his very own Babysham­bles. You’ve got to ad­mire Rod Ste­wart’s ded­i­ca­tion, still hoof­ing signed foot­balls into au­di­ences de­spite umpteen le­gal has­sles. In 2014 he was sued for ap­par­ently break­ing a fan’s nose in Ve­gas, while a fu­ri­ous Welsh artist claimed that Rod’s “rock-hard” ball broke his fin­ger in 2002. Most in­trigu­ing was Michigan cou­ple Stephen and Pa­tri­cia Boughton’s mid-’90s suit that Pa­tri­cia’s ball-dam­aged hand led to a ‘loss of com­pan­ion­ship’, fol­lowed by di­vorce. Ste­wart set­tled for $17,000. Pop’s most re­cent Mr Football hasn’t had it easy. One Di­rec­tion’s Louis Tom­lin­son tried to buy his beloved Don­caster Rovers in 2014, but the Kick­starter cam­paign stiffed. Even more painful was Stiliyan Petrov’s tes­ti­mo­nial the pre­vi­ous year: clat­tered by Gabby Ag­bon­la­hor, Louis col­lapsed and vom­ited (left), while Gabby got dog’s abuse. “I will kill you,” tweeted a 1D fa­natic, while an­other promised they’d “chop your balls off”. An­gry As­ton Villa fans are pussy­cats by com­par­i­son. Hope­fully new Bolton Wan­der­ers CEO Dean Holdsworth has more suc­cess in football ad­min­is­tra­tion than he did in the mu­sic busi­ness. The doc­u­men­tary Football Wives was a much-shared VHS in 1997, chiefly for the Holdsworths’ an­tics. The com­pro­mised striker re­luc­tantly sup­ported wife Sa­man­tha’s nascent pop ca­reer; un­for­tu­nately, how­ever, some­one let the film-mak­ers in as she recorded some raw, un­ac­com­pa­nied vo­cals. Ex­cru­ci­at­ing. But ex­cel­lent TV, ob­vi­ously. In 1992-93, UK satel­lite TV’s new Mon­day Night Football fea­tured cheer­lead­ers, in­flat­able sumo wrestlers and, for Arse­nal’s host­ing of Manch­ester City, The Shamen, per­form­ing no­to­ri­ous Ec­stasy an­them Ebe­neezer Goode. Up­front was Mr C, a “staunch Chelsea fan”, sup­ported by danc­ing girls sport­ing Spurs colours. High­bury went bal­lis­tic, ob­scen­i­ties filled the na­tion’s lounges, and C re­sponded with “suit­ably rude ges­tures” as he left the pitch. “Like the FBI and the CIA, and the BBC, BB King and Doris Day, ______, dig it, dig it, dig it, dig it…” The Bea­tles – “Then I bid you ______ / Prodi­gal child, you’re not ready for the fu­ture” Jay Z –

Rod wrecks an­other mar­riage “How did I wake

up here...?” A Chelsea fan at High­bury. What

go wrong?

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