Ask A Sil­lly Ques­tion

Terry McDer­mott

Australian Four Four Two - - CONTENTS - In­ter­view Nick Moore McDer­mott’s au­to­bi­og­ra­phy ‘Terry Mac: Liv­ing for the Mo­ment’ is avail­able to buy now. *May not have been asked.

Hi Terry. You were such good pals with Kevin Kee­gan that you went with him when he booked a va­sec­tomy. How on earth did he per­suade you to go, too? Hello mate. I just went along for a bit of fun, to be hon­est. The re­ally daft thing was, when I got there, Kevin said to the doc­tor: “He’s go­ing to have one as well.” And I de­cided to go for it! I hadn’t given it any thought be­fore, but we had three chil­dren al­ready so I thought, ‘Why not?’ Quite a snap de­ci­sion... Yeah. I thought he’d just book me in for a few weeks’ time, but they got on with it straight af­ter Kevin. He went first and came back out walk­ing like John Wayne. He said: “Give Terry the ex­tra painkillers, I felt absolutely ev­ery­thing.” I sud­denly got a right sweat on when he said that.

Four Four Two is think­ing about hav­ing a va­sec­tomy but is absolutely dread­ing the pain. How much does it hurt? Is it like be­ing kicked in the chan­de­liers by a horse, or punched by a six-year-old? To be hon­est, it’s not ac­tu­ally that bad, pain-wise. The worst thing is def­i­nitely all the tug­ging and be­ing pulled about. And the noises. They gave me clas­si­cal mu­sic to lis­ten to, but my head­phones broke so I could hear ev­ery­thing. There were sev­eral nurses mop­ping my brow. The worst thing about it was, af­ter 20 min­utes, the doc­tor turned to me and said: “Right, time to do the other one!” [ FFT can­cels va­sec­tomy] Blimey, Terry, it sounds aw­ful. What hap­pened then? I went home and dropped my track­suit bot­toms to the wife – she just couldn’t be­lieve it. But the fol­low­ing day me and Kev were run­ning out on the pitch again. Kee­gan has also sug­gested you could sit in a sauna for at least 20 min­utes with­out break­ing sweat. Is that true? Do you still pos­sess the su­per­power? Yes, I do. I can sit and read a news­pa­per for a while and be bone dry af­ter­wards. I just don’t feel it. I must be a bit weird. Are you im­mune to the tem­per­a­ture? Do you like to do the Ge­ordie thing of not wear­ing a coat when it’s freez­ing? I do! I’ll go out­side in the North East in a short-sleeve top. My wife says to me: “You’re not 25, Terry, you’re bloody 65!” But I won’t even bother with a jumper. There’s an­other Terry McDer­mott who was a cham­pion speed skater in the 1960s. Is your skat­ing up to scratch? Ter­ri­ble. It’s bloody hard, isn’t it? I used to go down to the ice rink but just end up on my back­side the whole time. Full re­spect to the other Terry McDer­mott. Which Win­ter Olympic dis­ci­pline do you reckon you’d have been best at? I would have made a good en­durance athlete. It’s lucky for Mo Farah I’m not about at the same time as him. Maybe I could have done long-dis­tance ski­ing. I’d have had the lungs for cross coun­try. You’ve stuck with the mous­tache even though most of your for­mer Liver­pool team-mates shaved them off. Are Ian Rush and Graeme Souness traitors? No, they’re both fine. I can’t shave mine, though. I look bad enough as it is and I think I’d get slaugh­tered if I got rid of it. I trim it a bit more these days, but it was a great mous­tache then – big and black like a Mex­i­can’s. Now it’s white... John Wark told us: “When I die, I want to take the mous­tache with me, too.” He’s spot on, and I’m go­ing to join him. Maybe with mine, they could shave it off and sprin­kle the hairs on the cof­fin? A lovely ges­ture. With Don­ald Trump and Kim Jong-un go­ing at each other, do you think we might all per­ish soon? No. I think we will still be here this time next year. They’re just all talk, the pair of them. I’m find­ing it funny, or at least it would be if it wasn’t so se­ri­ous. Call­ing peo­ple Rocket Man and Do­tard is petty. Very true. And fi­nally, the big ques­tion: has The Bach­e­lorette been ru­ined by So­phie Monk*? Yes, I think so. It’s lost a bit of its sparkle. We knew it! Thank you, Terry... No prob­lem.


Il­lus­tra­tion Bill McCon­key

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