Ask A Sillly Question
Hi Terry. You were such good pals with Kevin Keegan that you went with him when he booked a vasectomy. How on earth did he persuade you to go, too? Hello mate. I just went along for a bit of fun, to be honest. The really daft thing was, when I got there, Kevin said to the doctor: “He’s going to have one as well.” And I decided to go for it! I hadn’t given it any thought before, but we had three children already so I thought, ‘Why not?’ Quite a snap decision... Yeah. I thought he’d just book me in for a few weeks’ time, but they got on with it straight after Kevin. He went first and came back out walking like John Wayne. He said: “Give Terry the extra painkillers, I felt absolutely everything.” I suddenly got a right sweat on when he said that.
Four Four Two is thinking about having a vasectomy but is absolutely dreading the pain. How much does it hurt? Is it like being kicked in the chandeliers by a horse, or punched by a six-year-old? To be honest, it’s not actually that bad, pain-wise. The worst thing is definitely all the tugging and being pulled about. And the noises. They gave me classical music to listen to, but my headphones broke so I could hear everything. There were several nurses mopping my brow. The worst thing about it was, after 20 minutes, the doctor turned to me and said: “Right, time to do the other one!” [ FFT cancels vasectomy] Blimey, Terry, it sounds awful. What happened then? I went home and dropped my tracksuit bottoms to the wife – she just couldn’t believe it. But the following day me and Kev were running out on the pitch again. Keegan has also suggested you could sit in a sauna for at least 20 minutes without breaking sweat. Is that true? Do you still possess the superpower? Yes, I do. I can sit and read a newspaper for a while and be bone dry afterwards. I just don’t feel it. I must be a bit weird. Are you immune to the temperature? Do you like to do the Geordie thing of not wearing a coat when it’s freezing? I do! I’ll go outside in the North East in a short-sleeve top. My wife says to me: “You’re not 25, Terry, you’re bloody 65!” But I won’t even bother with a jumper. There’s another Terry McDermott who was a champion speed skater in the 1960s. Is your skating up to scratch? Terrible. It’s bloody hard, isn’t it? I used to go down to the ice rink but just end up on my backside the whole time. Full respect to the other Terry McDermott. Which Winter Olympic discipline do you reckon you’d have been best at? I would have made a good endurance athlete. It’s lucky for Mo Farah I’m not about at the same time as him. Maybe I could have done long-distance skiing. I’d have had the lungs for cross country. You’ve stuck with the moustache even though most of your former Liverpool team-mates shaved them off. Are Ian Rush and Graeme Souness traitors? No, they’re both fine. I can’t shave mine, though. I look bad enough as it is and I think I’d get slaughtered if I got rid of it. I trim it a bit more these days, but it was a great moustache then – big and black like a Mexican’s. Now it’s white... John Wark told us: “When I die, I want to take the moustache with me, too.” He’s spot on, and I’m going to join him. Maybe with mine, they could shave it off and sprinkle the hairs on the coffin? A lovely gesture. With Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un going at each other, do you think we might all perish soon? No. I think we will still be here this time next year. They’re just all talk, the pair of them. I’m finding it funny, or at least it would be if it wasn’t so serious. Calling people Rocket Man and Dotard is petty. Very true. And finally, the big question: has The Bachelorette been ruined by Sophie Monk*? Yes, I think so. It’s lost a bit of its sparkle. We knew it! Thank you, Terry... No problem.
“THE WORST THING WAS, AFTER 20 MINUTES, THE DOCTOR SAID: ‘RIGHT, LET’S DO THE OTHER ONE!’”