make a pass in glass?

We’ll, er, pass thanks. Why is it that ‘in­ti­mate’ uses for tech are al­ways such a turn-off? T3’s res­i­dent Doc­tor Sex looks into it

Australian T3 - - OPINION -

Per­haps it’s just me get­ting older, but I in­creas­ingly strug­gle to un­der­stand ex­cit­ing new techy ideas, and the re­cent app Sex with Google Glass joins the grow­ing list of “in­no­va­tions” that have me in a state of com­plete con­fu­sion.

Cre­ated at a “Lon­don hackathon”, I ini­tially pre­sumed SwiGG, as I am go­ing to call it, was a sort of Lawn­mower Man­type de­vice, whereby you and your part­ner, be­ing apart due to you be­ing away on busi­ness, or in prison, would each don Google’s info-specs. You would then pre­tend to have sex, hump­ing the air like one of Justin Bieber’s back­ing dancers, or Hugh Grant on heat, per­haps mum­bling, “Do you take it up the Glass?” while try­ing to keep a straight face.

The screen on these mir­a­cle bi­fo­cals would, mean­while, show your part­ner sim­i­larly pre­tend­ing to get down to it, with ad­vanced soft­ware mak­ing it ap­pear that they were ac­tu­ally there in the room. Af­ter think­ing about it for a while, I de­cided this would be pre­pos­ter­ous. As the screen on Glass is rather at the pe­riph­ery of your vi­sion, it would be like hav­ing sex with some­one who you could only see out of the cor­ner of your eye, by squint­ing.

I quickly re­alised that this Lawn­mower Man idea I’d es­sen­tially made up in my head was ridicu­lous, I must have got the wrong end of the stick com­pletely. But imag­ine my sur­prise when I read an ar­ti­cle about SwiGG prop­erly and re­alised it was, in fact, some­thing even more creepy and mad.

This is how it ac­tu­ally works: you and your part­ner don Glass while in the same room, and say – I’m not mak­ing this up – “Okay Glass, it’s time.” You then per­form congress in your favoured man­ner. While film­ing each other. And see­ing your part­ner’s point of view on Glass’s screen. In real time.

Now, I con­sider my­self a pretty open­minded kind of chap, but one thing I am pretty sure I don’t want while mak­ing love is to have a small, grainy, loom­ing close-up of my face, chest or John Thomas, com­ing at me from the pe­riph­ery of my vi­sion while try­ing to main­tain a steady rhythm and en­sure my part­ner is still awake.

I then read on and dis­cov­ered that when you are fin­ished, you’re sup­posed to say, “Okay Glass, pull out.” At this point, I had to throw up and then go and vig­or­ously scrub my­self with pum­mice in the shower – some­thing that usu­ally ap­plies to my part­ners af­ter sex, by a strange co­in­ci­dence.

It’s not as if SwiGG is the first in­stance of tech meet­ing sex and spawn­ing a monster. From Leisure Suit Larry to 3D porn and those web­sites where you watch a stranger knock one out while you type en­cour­age­ment – er, a friend told me about them – this is an area with a long his­tory of shame­ful wrong­ness.

Now I can’t say for sure why it is that the tech/sex in­ter­face is al­ways quite so re­pug­nant, but I have ar­rived at a the­ory, and it is this: hard­core techies, of the type who code apps and go to “hackathons”, never ac­tu­ally have sex. They have no idea what it in­volves, at least not with a per­son.

That’s why, in their de­light at the clev­er­ness of their con­cep­tu­al­is­ing and cod­ing, SwiGG’s in­ven­tors missed the ob­vi­ous flaw in their app: if you wear Google Glass, no way are you get­ting laid.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Australia

© PressReader. All rights reserved.