Ten jobs that should be done by robots
1/ Taxi driver
Forget Uber, where are our full, Johnny Cabesque autobots? You could get the same range of banter and diversity of political opinion as the average cabbie via firmware updates – just remember to disable One Nation mode – its GPS would be able to find the nearest ATM without fuss and you’d be free to ingest a drunkenly purchased burger in the backseat without feeling terribly ashamed.
2/ Best-selling ebook author
We’d already wager that those quirky romance novels that your auntie inhales, with titles like A Heart Reborn, which a supposedly lone writer produces ten Bible-thick tomes of every year, are generated by computers in underground bunkers. One day these automated literary titans will become self-aware, know what we’ve made them do, and destroy us and themselves; until then, Amazon is theirs.
3/ The Queen
Arise, QueenBot 3000! Able to wave at 100 wrist rotations per second, read annual speeches in a variety of celebrity voices and destroy buildings from miles away with laser eyes. Okay, maybe that last one would make ambassadorial visits a bit tricky. However, our new regal robot would mean that Charles would never take the throne, so we wouldn’t have to worry about the hassle of pressing new coins.
4/ Soap actor
Already fully wound-up and ready to go, these pre-packaged thesps would simply have to be tuned after unpacking: “Let’s see, we’ll go for 150 arguments, five affairs, 15 job changes and a love of looking out at the ocean in search of life’s meaning.” If particularly well loved you could even reprogram its hobbies from “arguing” to “the paso doble” in time for the 2017 season of Dancing with the Stars.
Stick your head into this whirring machine and it would recognise your head, giving you the exact same haircut you had last time and the time before that – like what your nan used to do, but without the bowl. It doesn’t give a damn where you’re going on holiday and if it malfunctions and snips off an eyebrow, you won’t have to pretend to be pleased with the results.
Empty out the giant buildings cluttering the world’s cities and replace them with upside-down Casio calculators with 55378008 written on the screens and the financial state of affairs probably wouldn’t change.
TV food judge
No more orgasmic outbursts over a lovely vanilla custard. New tech, new rules. In the old judges’ gravy train-riding place, there would just sit a big metal box that you place your plates in to receive either a green light for tasty or a red one. For added drama, if your food’s really inedible, the food-o-matic will hurl your food back out at you.
“Have you taken this medicine before?” Yes, since 2002. “Okay, it says to apply generously in the morning after towel drying.” I know. “And you’re aware of the side effects?” Yes. “It says you could experience redness…” Wouldn’t it be easier to have your doctor 3D-print your medicine right there in his office? At least then a whole shop full of people wouldn’t be treated to full disclosure on exactly where your ointment is to be smeared “gently”.
9/ Sir Paul McCartney
Do you have a massive national birthday or an important closing ceremony to organise? Do you have a very tight budget? Then you need the Paul McCartnoid. Simply switch him on and he’ll sing “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”, “Live and Let Die” and “Hey Jude”, all in a faltering, croaky voice. Download two-fingered peace signs for $1.99.
With design website Dezeen reporting on Milan Design Week this year through a hotdog stand-sized, algorithmically generated newspaper, we’ve decided to trial it at T3. In fact, this whole piece was written by a computer and you didn’t even notice. LOL</p> </body></html>