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Ten jobs that should be done by ro­bots

1/ Taxi driver

For­get Uber, where are our full, Johnny Cabesque au­to­bots? You could get the same range of ban­ter and di­ver­sity of po­lit­i­cal opin­ion as the aver­age cab­bie via firmware up­dates – just re­mem­ber to dis­able One Na­tion mode – its GPS would be able to find the near­est ATM with­out fuss and you’d be free to in­gest a drunk­enly pur­chased burger in the back­seat with­out feel­ing ter­ri­bly ashamed.

2/ Best-sell­ing ebook au­thor

We’d al­ready wa­ger that those quirky ro­mance nov­els that your aun­tie in­hales, with ti­tles like A Heart Re­born, which a sup­pos­edly lone writer pro­duces ten Bi­ble-thick tomes of ev­ery year, are gen­er­ated by com­put­ers in un­der­ground bunkers. One day these au­to­mated lit­er­ary ti­tans will be­come self-aware, know what we’ve made them do, and de­stroy us and them­selves; un­til then, Ama­zon is theirs.

3/ The Queen

Arise, QueenBot 3000! Able to wave at 100 wrist ro­ta­tions per sec­ond, read an­nual speeches in a va­ri­ety of celebrity voices and de­stroy build­ings from miles away with laser eyes. Okay, maybe that last one would make am­bas­sado­rial vis­its a bit tricky. How­ever, our new re­gal ro­bot would mean that Charles would never take the throne, so we wouldn’t have to worry about the has­sle of press­ing new coins.

4/ Soap ac­tor

Al­ready fully wound-up and ready to go, these pre-pack­aged thesps would sim­ply have to be tuned af­ter un­pack­ing: “Let’s see, we’ll go for 150 ar­gu­ments, five af­fairs, 15 job changes and a love of look­ing out at the ocean in search of life’s mean­ing.” If par­tic­u­larly well loved you could even re­pro­gram its hob­bies from “ar­gu­ing” to “the paso doble” in time for the 2017 sea­son of Dancing with the Stars.

5/

Hair­dresser

Stick your head into this whirring ma­chine and it would recog­nise your head, giv­ing you the ex­act same hair­cut you had last time and the time be­fore that – like what your nan used to do, but with­out the bowl. It doesn’t give a damn where you’re go­ing on hol­i­day and if it mal­func­tions and snips off an eye­brow, you won’t have to pre­tend to be pleased with the re­sults.

6/ Banker

Empty out the gi­ant build­ings clut­ter­ing the world’s cities and re­place them with upside-down Ca­sio cal­cu­la­tors with 55378008 writ­ten on the screens and the fi­nan­cial state of af­fairs prob­a­bly wouldn’t change.

7/

TV food judge

No more or­gas­mic out­bursts over a lovely vanilla cus­tard. New tech, new rules. In the old judges’ gravy train-rid­ing place, there would just sit a big metal box that you place your plates in to re­ceive ei­ther a green light for tasty or a red one. For added drama, if your food’s re­ally ined­i­ble, the food-o-matic will hurl your food back out at you.

8/ Phar­ma­cist

“Have you taken this medicine be­fore?” Yes, since 2002. “Okay, it says to ap­ply gen­er­ously in the morn­ing af­ter towel dry­ing.” I know. “And you’re aware of the side ef­fects?” Yes. “It says you could ex­pe­ri­ence red­ness…” Wouldn’t it be eas­ier to have your doc­tor 3D-print your medicine right there in his of­fice? At least then a whole shop full of people wouldn’t be treated to full dis­clo­sure on ex­actly where your oint­ment is to be smeared “gen­tly”.

9/ Sir Paul McCart­ney

Do you have a mas­sive na­tional birth­day or an im­por­tant clos­ing cer­e­mony to or­gan­ise? Do you have a very tight budget? Then you need the Paul McCart­noid. Sim­ply switch him on and he’ll sing “Sgt. Pep­per’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”, “Live and Let Die” and “Hey Jude”, all in a fal­ter­ing, croaky voice. Down­load two-fin­gered peace signs for $1.99.

10/ Jour­nal­ist

With de­sign web­site Dezeen reporting on Mi­lan De­sign Week this year through a hot­dog stand-sized, al­go­rith­mi­cally gen­er­ated news­pa­per, we’ve de­cided to trial it at T3. In fact, this whole piece was writ­ten by a com­puter and you didn’t even no­tice. LOL</p> </body></html>

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