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Ten wear­ables we’d ac­tu­ally wear

1/ Fa­cial mood lighter

“Say good­bye to dateru­in­ing dark cir­cles and pre­sen­ta­tion-crush­ing blem­ishes for­ever. With the Pal­lor 2 Glam­our 5000 Per­sonal Fa­cade Sys­tem, you need never look like a washed-out wreck again. It even makes stub­ble and beards look com­pletely grey hair-and patch-free! For just $129.99, you can al­ways ap­pear like you’re in a can­dle-lit, un­der­ground 1920s speakeasy, or your money back! No in­stal­la­tion nec­es­sary.”

2/ Vac­uum shoes

Time to wrestle the pol­ish­ing power back from robo maids be­fore the autobot up­ris­ing, and we reckon a wear­able Dysons will do the trick. Pace around your house like a caged lion or slide around pre­tend­ing you’re Cahill, suck­ing up all the dirt and grime as you go. When you’re done, pop your clogs into the wall-mounted footwells to both charge them and blast the ac­cu­mu­lated dust cloud into your neigh­bour’s gar­den.

3/ Cold and flu mon­i­tor

Who wouldn’t don a Nike Fuel-Band-like er­gonomic head strap if it would light up to alert col­leagues to the fact that you have, in­deed, got a rag­ing cold and should there­fore be sent home im­me­di­ately? What’s that, it didn’t light up? Well, they’ll now know your fore­head is a Ni­a­gara Falls of sweat due to a week­end on the booze, and will in­stead leave you to sleep it off on that stack of pa­pers you’ve formed into a rudi­men­tary bed un­der your desk. Prob­a­bly.

4/ Tooth­brush

Even with app-con­nected elec­tric tooth­brushes, scrub­bing your pegs is still the most bor­ing two min­utes of any groom­ing rou­tine. With a wear­able tooth­brush, how­ever, all you’d need to do is pop in a gumshield-type de­vice when you wake up and by the time you’ve made it to the bath­room, hey presto: per­fectly clean teeth. Don’t fall back to sleep, though, un­less you want a smile as bright as burn­ing mag­ne­sium.

5/ Bi­cy­cle

Keen to be the ul­ti­mate com­muter? It’s time to be­come part man, part bike. With wheels, breaks and gears all at­tached to your limbs, all you’d have to do is get into rac­ing po­si­tion and you’re ready to roll. You’d never have park­ing wor­ries again and would look a bit like a very ba­sic Trans­former. Side ef­fects: you’ll put on weight and it will take you about half an hour of swear­ing and wrestling to fold your­self into a sit­ting po­si­tion.

6/ Toi­let seat

Stylish and hy­gienic, the wear­able loo seat would be in­valu­able in clubs and por­ta­ble toi­lets at fes­ti­vals. Fash­ioned by top de­sign­ers, they’d also fea­ture ad­vanced ac­tiv­ity track­ing tech to mea­sure… well, all sorts.

7/ Ket­tle

You are now a lit­tle teapot, short and stout, the pos­ses­sor of boil­ing wa­ter, quite lit­er­ally, at your fin­ger­tips. Carry your own tea bags and the of­fice is your oys­ter, able to make a cuppa at a mo­ment’s no­tice. You’ll also have a handy weapon with which to fend off mug­gers, should they try to steal the rest of your wear­able tech.

8/ Emoji hel­met

Tired of wast­ing valu­able en­ergy flex­ing your fa­cial mus­cles? Us too, so we’ve come up with a so­lu­tion: a hat that looks a bit like a fenc­ing mask when off, but will dis­play what­ever emoji best cor­re­sponds to your mood when ac­tive. Set it to Lie Mode if you don’t want to lose friends/get fired.

9/ Corkscrew

There are many ways to re­move a cork with­out a bot­tle opener, nearly all of which greatly raise the risk of ei­ther a smashed Chardon­nay or a slashed artery. Yes, you could carry a cum­ber­some old corkscrew, but with a sur­gi­cally in­stalled, elec­tric ear­piece of un­bot­tling all you’d have to do is raise your vino to your lug and whir the cork out au­to­mat­i­cally. Wish to fend off other guests and keep all the wine to your­self? Have the hu­man Swiss Army knife at­tach­ment in­stalled in the other ear. Job done.

10/ Elec­tri­cal socket

“Never ex­pe­ri­ence those painful ‘low bat­tery’ phone pan­ics ever again. With the Power-Belly 2.0 you sim­ply plug straight into your stom­ach, charg­ing to full juice in a mo­ment!” Yes, it re­quires a belly-but­ton op­er­a­tion, car­ries an over­heat­ing risk and may cause death, but let us re­peat: You will never be with­out your smart­phone again…

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