Ten wearables we’d actually wear
1/ Facial mood lighter
“Say goodbye to dateruining dark circles and presentation-crushing blemishes forever. With the Pallor 2 Glamour 5000 Personal Facade System, you need never look like a washed-out wreck again. It even makes stubble and beards look completely grey hair-and patch-free! For just $129.99, you can always appear like you’re in a candle-lit, underground 1920s speakeasy, or your money back! No installation necessary.”
2/ Vacuum shoes
Time to wrestle the polishing power back from robo maids before the autobot uprising, and we reckon a wearable Dysons will do the trick. Pace around your house like a caged lion or slide around pretending you’re Cahill, sucking up all the dirt and grime as you go. When you’re done, pop your clogs into the wall-mounted footwells to both charge them and blast the accumulated dust cloud into your neighbour’s garden.
3/ Cold and flu monitor
Who wouldn’t don a Nike Fuel-Band-like ergonomic head strap if it would light up to alert colleagues to the fact that you have, indeed, got a raging cold and should therefore be sent home immediately? What’s that, it didn’t light up? Well, they’ll now know your forehead is a Niagara Falls of sweat due to a weekend on the booze, and will instead leave you to sleep it off on that stack of papers you’ve formed into a rudimentary bed under your desk. Probably.
Even with app-connected electric toothbrushes, scrubbing your pegs is still the most boring two minutes of any grooming routine. With a wearable toothbrush, however, all you’d need to do is pop in a gumshield-type device when you wake up and by the time you’ve made it to the bathroom, hey presto: perfectly clean teeth. Don’t fall back to sleep, though, unless you want a smile as bright as burning magnesium.
Keen to be the ultimate commuter? It’s time to become part man, part bike. With wheels, breaks and gears all attached to your limbs, all you’d have to do is get into racing position and you’re ready to roll. You’d never have parking worries again and would look a bit like a very basic Transformer. Side effects: you’ll put on weight and it will take you about half an hour of swearing and wrestling to fold yourself into a sitting position.
6/ Toilet seat
Stylish and hygienic, the wearable loo seat would be invaluable in clubs and portable toilets at festivals. Fashioned by top designers, they’d also feature advanced activity tracking tech to measure… well, all sorts.
You are now a little teapot, short and stout, the possessor of boiling water, quite literally, at your fingertips. Carry your own tea bags and the office is your oyster, able to make a cuppa at a moment’s notice. You’ll also have a handy weapon with which to fend off muggers, should they try to steal the rest of your wearable tech.
8/ Emoji helmet
Tired of wasting valuable energy flexing your facial muscles? Us too, so we’ve come up with a solution: a hat that looks a bit like a fencing mask when off, but will display whatever emoji best corresponds to your mood when active. Set it to Lie Mode if you don’t want to lose friends/get fired.
There are many ways to remove a cork without a bottle opener, nearly all of which greatly raise the risk of either a smashed Chardonnay or a slashed artery. Yes, you could carry a cumbersome old corkscrew, but with a surgically installed, electric earpiece of unbottling all you’d have to do is raise your vino to your lug and whir the cork out automatically. Wish to fend off other guests and keep all the wine to yourself? Have the human Swiss Army knife attachment installed in the other ear. Job done.
10/ Electrical socket
“Never experience those painful ‘low battery’ phone panics ever again. With the Power-Belly 2.0 you simply plug straight into your stomach, charging to full juice in a moment!” Yes, it requires a belly-button operation, carries an overheating risk and may cause death, but let us repeat: You will never be without your smartphone again…