10 ways the Apple Watch will change your life
1/ You’ll develop a Popeye arm
Once attached to your wrist we estimate that you’ll lift your arm to your face somewhere in the region of 5,000 times a day, meaning one half of your body will develop the toned muscles of an Olympic rower. You’ll need to swap the watch regularly between wrists for an even distribution of muscular bulk, or simply wear a T-shirt that’s really tight on one side.
2/ You’ll always be extremely clean
Thanks to smartphones, showers are quick affairs these days, with all of us desperate to get back to our beloved boxes of fun as soon as possible, for fear of missing an unmissable Facebook update. With a waterresistant Apple Watch, however, you’ll now be able to read messages, watch videos and check Twitter while enjoying your daily wash, meaning you’ll spend about three hours every morning scrubbing your skin clean off without even realising.
3/ You won’t sit on it
While your iPhone 6 gets forgotten about in your back pocket, slowly turning banana-shaped as you exert your whole weight on the poor, delicate thing, your stainless steel and aluminium Apple Watch will sit flat on your wrist, thereby avoiding another Bendgate. And if you go for the blinged-up 18-karat version and you somehow manage to bend it (gold can get quite bendy, after all) you can sell the precious metal at a scrap value that’s worth more than your car. Win-win.
4/ Pub quizzes should be so much easier to cheat at
What is Elton John’s real name? Hmm… let me just check the time… “Psst, Siri, just a quick one. What is Elton John’s real name?” “LET ME CHECK THAT FOR YOU… HERE’S WHAT I FOUND…” Oh, that’s just brilliant. Thanks for nothing, Siri.
5/ You’ll never concentrate ever again
Gone are the days when you’d risk a dressing down for playing with your iPhone in a meeting. With the Apple Watch you can now while away the time playing with the digital crown, which once fiddled with instantly proves more addictive than Pringles. If questioned by the boss, simply say you’re adjusting your cufflinks (warning: check first that you’re wearing a shirt).
6/ You’ll be ever so careful
It’s hard enough trying to keep an iPhone unscratched, even with a screen protector and a rubber case that would deflect bullets, should it need to. Now imagine if that iPhone wasn’t in your pocket but strapped to your arm instead. With the Apple Watch you’ll be walking as if your arms are made of uranium. One overzealous gesture near a brick wall and “boom”, life over...
7/ Dates will go better
The Apple Watch will spell the end for iPhones sitting temptingly on restaurant tables, meaning you’ll have to do real-world things like talk to your date/partner, rather than spoil the night searching for that picture of the funny dog you once saw on holiday. A-ha! Found it! Oh, she’s gone...
8/ You’ll always be fit
Thanks to Apple’s Health app, you will have a constant – annoyingly constant – reminder of just how little exercise you’re doing, which will force you off the sofa (is 200BPM in the normal range for sofa sitting?) to march around town while following Apple Maps to avoid any areas where a $2,000 wrist computer might attract unwanted attention – you know the kind of areas we mean. Don’t make us name names.
9/ You’ll be glad you waited
“Oh, this? Yes, it’s an Apple Watch. What are you wearing? A Pebble? What does that do? Nothing? Shame.”
10/ You’ll have an instant classic
We very much doubt this will happen, but if nobody but you happens to invest in an Apple Watch, you can simply put it in the back of the wardrobe, forget all about it, then bring it out in 40 years and show it to your grandkids. “Grandpa, what’s that?!” “Oh this? This is that smartwatch that Apple brought out back in 2015.” “What’s a smartwatch?” “They never really caught on...”