AUN­TIE SLATTS

Each is­sue King Par­rot’s in­trepid bass player, part- time de­tec­tive and al­leged sex of­fender Slatts Ever­day an­swers the big ques­tions as posed by you. To get in­volved, use the hash­tag #askaun­ties­latts and ask away. Please note we are not li­able for any te

Blunt - - Up Front -

Hey Aun­tie Slatts, My dad says that be­ing in a heavy metal band is a waste of time and I should go to univer­sity and study to get a business de­gree. What should I say to him? Jae­den, Pen­rith Dear Jae­den, Say to him “Dad, you’re ab­so­lutely right ( take a pause there - he’ll fucken love that bit), but the thing is wast­ing time is pretty much the best ever.” Then, after you’ve ex­pelled the bong smoke from your lungs, con­tinue with “And if I’m gonna do some­thing to­tally rad, like waste my time, I’m gonna do it lis­ten­ing to metal be­cause even though at most heavy metal gigs I go to it’s a cock for­est, the smat­ter­ing of women that are there are to­tally smoking hot ‘ and’ their hair smells nice. And, here’s the thing, Dad, if I can snag one of them then imag­ine how we can waste our time to­gether!” and then fin­ish with “Also you’ll be dead soon from your stress­ful job and I’m gonna sell your shit and live off that. Oh and mum’s hav­ing it off with my mate who plays metal – they call it wast­ing time”. Here’s ex­pect­ing it all turns out how it looks in my mind Jae­den!

Love, Aun­tie Slatts Slatts, My girl­friend hates metal but I wanna con­vince her to come to a King Par­rot show. How should I go about it? She only likes pop­punk bands like May­day Pa­rade.

Mikey, Fre­man­tle Mikey, The tough an­swer is, she’s just not worth it. King Par­rot, like vir­gin­ity, is so pre­cious you should keep it to your­self til you get mar­ried. Now dry those eyes mate ‘ cos just like sex there are plenty of mu­sic fore­play op­tions that you can still en­joy and ex­plore to­gether like the fol­low­ing: • Death­core – This style of mu­sic can be likened to mu­tual mas­tur­ba­tion with your part­ner. • Black metal – In some parts of the world ( i. e. Greece), you can go ev­ery­where ex­cept the vagine… well… Black metal. • Avant- garde metal – Fuck it. Just stay home and have some lovely fel­la­tio to­gether. • Slip­knot, KISS, etc. – Role play­ing. Any­way, once you are mar­ried ( which I’m guess­ing like most read­ers of BLUNT is at about 20?) you won’t even want your wife to like it ‘ cos it’s the only time, you’ll have to your­self. That said make sure and go to ev­ery May­day Pa­rade gig with her be­cause pop- punk dudes are way hot­ter than King Par­rot and will def­i­nitely steal your girl­friend. That’s not to say you’re not hot Mikey, ‘ cos I get the feel­ing you have real nice eyes.

Love and tis­sues, Aun­tie Slatts

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