Each issue King Parrot’s intrepid bass player, part- time detective and alleged sex offender Slatts Everday answers the big questions as posed by you. To get involved, use the hashtag #askauntieslatts and ask away. Please note we are not liable for any te
Hey Auntie Slatts, My dad says that being in a heavy metal band is a waste of time and I should go to university and study to get a business degree. What should I say to him? Jaeden, Penrith Dear Jaeden, Say to him “Dad, you’re absolutely right ( take a pause there - he’ll fucken love that bit), but the thing is wasting time is pretty much the best ever.” Then, after you’ve expelled the bong smoke from your lungs, continue with “And if I’m gonna do something totally rad, like waste my time, I’m gonna do it listening to metal because even though at most heavy metal gigs I go to it’s a cock forest, the smattering of women that are there are totally smoking hot ‘ and’ their hair smells nice. And, here’s the thing, Dad, if I can snag one of them then imagine how we can waste our time together!” and then finish with “Also you’ll be dead soon from your stressful job and I’m gonna sell your shit and live off that. Oh and mum’s having it off with my mate who plays metal – they call it wasting time”. Here’s expecting it all turns out how it looks in my mind Jaeden!
Love, Auntie Slatts Slatts, My girlfriend hates metal but I wanna convince her to come to a King Parrot show. How should I go about it? She only likes poppunk bands like Mayday Parade.
Mikey, Fremantle Mikey, The tough answer is, she’s just not worth it. King Parrot, like virginity, is so precious you should keep it to yourself til you get married. Now dry those eyes mate ‘ cos just like sex there are plenty of music foreplay options that you can still enjoy and explore together like the following: • Deathcore – This style of music can be likened to mutual masturbation with your partner. • Black metal – In some parts of the world ( i. e. Greece), you can go everywhere except the vagine… well… Black metal. • Avant- garde metal – Fuck it. Just stay home and have some lovely fellatio together. • Slipknot, KISS, etc. – Role playing. Anyway, once you are married ( which I’m guessing like most readers of BLUNT is at about 20?) you won’t even want your wife to like it ‘ cos it’s the only time, you’ll have to yourself. That said make sure and go to every Mayday Parade gig with her because pop- punk dudes are way hotter than King Parrot and will definitely steal your girlfriend. That’s not to say you’re not hot Mikey, ‘ cos I get the feeling you have real nice eyes.
Love and tissues, Auntie Slatts