#LOL sex fails


Cosmopolitan (Australia) - - Contents -

Ex­tracur­ric­u­lar ac­tiv­i­ties in the bed­room can leave you beg­ging for more or wish­ing the ground would open up and swal­low you whole. This fea­ture is ded­i­cated to the times you wish you could for­get (and let’s be hon­est, we’ve all had one of those…)

‘I asked my boyfriend what his fan­tasy was, and he told me that he’s al­ways wanted to walk through the door from work and have me be there to im­me­di­ately rip off his pants and give him an epic blowjob. So, a few weeks later, I de­cided to turn his fan­tasy into a re­al­ity. I got home early, show­ered, changed into my favourite lin­gerie and waited pa­tiently for him. When I heard the key in the door, I ran over to be there wait­ing for him. As soon as he walked in, I grabbed his pants, un­but­toned them and yanked them down. He knew ex­actly what was hap­pen­ing, so he got hard right way. I pulled down his un­der­wear and went in, with great force, to give him the best blowjob of his life. I missed the mark com­pletely, though, and his pe­nis poked me straight in the eye. I fell back and lay on the floor, clutch­ing my eye in pain. He had to zip up and rush to the chemist to get me eye drops. Fan­tasy ru­ined.’ ASH­LEIGH*, 29

‘One drunken night I stum­bled home to my sleep­ing boyfriend and de­cided to wake him up with a blowjob. I started kiss­ing his pe­nis, which he hap­pily woke up to. We were get­ting re­ally into it when all of a sud­den I vom­ited. It was all over him. The smell of vomit made him gag so much that he vom­ited too. We spent the night wash­ing the sheets and our­selves.’ KELLY*, 26

‘I was on my way to meet my boyfriend for a sexy week­end when I heard my name called over the loud speaker of the airport ter­mi­nal. I went to the Qan­tas desk with my mum, who had given me a lift, and they said there was some­thing go­ing off in my bag. We fol­lowed the crew to the bag­gage sort­ing area. I saw my suit­case vi­brat­ing across the floor. I opened my bag in front of 10 staffers and my mum. It was an ex­tra- pow­er­ful vi­bra­tor I had pur­chased for my get­away.’ BIANCA*, 28

‘I was at house party with my girl­friend and we de­cided to have a quickie in one of the bed­rooms. We were go­ing like rab­bits when all of a sud­den I looked down and there was blood ev­ery­where. I as­sumed my girl­friend got her pe­riod, but when I pulled out I re­alised it was me – I had snapped my banjo string! My girl­friend had to rush down­stairs to call a friend up be­cause we didn’t know what to do. There I was, pants down, cov­ered in blood. They took me to the ER, af­ter I made an em­bar­rass­ing exit through the party…’ JAMES, 31

‘I met a cute guy at a bar and de­cided to bring him home. We had great sex but then he started to CRY SOFTLY after­wards. I didn’t know what to do, so I just said good­night, kissed him and went to sleep. When I woke up, he was gone, but I felt a WET PATCH in the bed. I leant in to smell it and he had peed.’ AMY*, 32

‘I was hav­ing sex with my boyfriend when I AC­CI­DEN­TALLY MOANED the name of a male col­league we’d just had drinks with ear­lier in the day. It was an IN­NO­CENT MIS­TAKE but I was mor­ti­fied – need­less to say, that killed the mood.’ SIANA*, 24

‘In my at­tempt to spice things up on our an­niver­sary, I pur­chased some risqué lin­gerie and planned a ro­man­tic night in. Every­thing was go­ing smoothly un­til we got into the bed­room. I der­obed at the base of the bed and at­tempted what I call a “SEXY CRAWL” be­tween his legs to kiss him, but I mis­judged the dis­tance and kneed him right in the nuts. He YELLED OUT IN PAIN and I spent the night apol­o­gis­ing, while hold­ing an ice pack to his balls.’ EMMA*, 29

‘Myy boyfriend and I hadd wanted to try BUTTUTT PLAYY forf a while and one tipsy night I worked up the courage to let him fin­ger my butt. He lubed me up and, start­ing slowly, he worked up to three fin­gers. It felt amaz­ing as I was also us­ing a vi­bra­tor on my clit, but he started to go in and out faster and I UR­GENTLY felt the need to poo. I couldn’t con­trol it and there and then my bow­els let go – all over his hand. We haven’t tried it again be­cause I cringe at the thought of it hap­pen­ing again.’ SARAH*, 23

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