SHOULD YOUR BOYFRIEND BE YOUR BESTIE?

Hint: no. And here's why not,

Cosmopolitan (Australia) - - Front Page -

I know I’ll get hate for this opin­ion, con­sid­er­ing that 83 per cent of adults say their sig­nif­i­cant other is their BFF, ac­cord­ing to a Mon­mouth Univer­sity poll. Some of these cou­ples could have ac­tu­ally started out as pals before dat­ing. But i t’s more l ikely that since they have so much in com­mon and spend every mo­ment to­gether, they have started to re­fer to each other this way, says Ian Kerner, a sex and cou­ples ther­a­pist.

And be­cause our cul­ture in­creas­ingly holds up these re­la­tion­ships as ones to as­pire to, it doesn’t seem l ike this #Cou­pleGoal is go­ing any­where any­time soon. Here’s why it should.

HE CAN’T BE YOUR AB­SO­LUTE #1

Jeremy’s not my one and only emo­tional rock – and I think that’s why our re­la­tion­ship i s as strong as it is. ‘ To have your part­ner be your sole re­source for friend­ship, sup­port and love is just too much for any

For­get what you’ve heard; your part­ner shouldn’t ac­tu­ally be your friend. Writer Brit­tany Galla ar­gues why keep­ing your man in a sep­a­rate cat­e­gory strength­ens your re­la­tion­ship On the night before our wed­ding, I snuck my fi­ancé, Jeremy, into a cor­ner of the restau­rant where we were hold­ing our re­hearsal din­ner. Cham­pagne glass in hand, I sternly re­minded him: ‘ Please don’t re­fer to me as your best friend in any Face­book, Snapchat, In­sta­gram or toast over the next 24 hours… or ever.’ He laughed in agree­ment, in­ter­lock­ing my fin­gers in his. I was, and still am, op­posed to the ‘ I’m mar­ry­ing my best friend!’ BS. Every time I see or hear that cliché, it takes se­ri­ous re­straint not to com­ment: Wait, did you erase your ac­tual besties when you got a ring? I love Jeremy and I hap­pily chose him as my life part­ner, but be­ing with him doesn’t mean he’s re­placed my girls. It seems like so much to ask of some­one – be my lover and my clos­est con­fi­dant.

one per­son to pos­si­bly ful­fil,’ says re­la­tion­ship ther­a­pist Isadora Al­man. To me, it seems nearly im­pos­si­ble. When I go through tough times, I want to know that I have my part­ner and my friends, fam­ily and com­mu­nity at my back. And I’ll al­ways need other peo­ple – like my bestie, Meghan, or my uni room­mate, Melissa – to talk to and get ad­vice from when Jeremy and I hit a snag.

After all, what can you do if the boyfriend you’re roy­ally pissed at is also the only per­son you go to for help and sup­port? With no out­side buds to call, you’ll likely wind up com­plain­ing to your guy about him, putting him in an over­whelm­ing (and, hon­estly, an­noy­ing) po­si­tion, says Dr John Ja­cobs, psy­chi­a­trist and au­thor of All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Mar­riage. ‘Do­ing that puts an enor­mous amount of pres­sure on your re­la­tion­ship. And hav­ing to han­dle such a needy part­ner is not very sexy.’

HE SHOULDN’T KNOW EV­ERY­THING

Speak­ing of not sexy, telling your S.O. every de­tail of your ex­is­tence can po­ten­tially backf ire. ‘ You want to keep your re­la­tion­ship ex­cit­ing and some­what mys­te­ri­ous in or­der to avoid let­ting too much com­fort and fa­mil­iar­ity set in,’ ex­plains Kerner. ‘ For ex­am­ple, I un­Friended my wife on Face­book be­cause I don’t need to know each l it­tle thing about her life.’

This is to­tally dif­fer­ent than keep­ing se­crets from your part­ner, which is more prob­lem­atic and can drive a wedge be­tween you, says Kerner. You should have a safe and se­cure base where you can feel free to talk about im­por­tant go­ings­on in your lives. But con­vos about the camp­ing gear he’s des­per­ately cov­et­ing or the mi­cro­der­mabra­sion treat­ment you want to try? Not as vi­tal to share.

HE WON’T AL­WAYS BRING THE NEW

Why is it that ev­ery­one you know wants to travel abroad? Be­cause im­mers­ing your­self in a for­eign place – with all its sur­prises – is so ex­cit­ing. Dat­ing a non­BFF who has dif­fer­ent in­ter­ests and hob­bies than you do can be sim­i­larly re­ward­ing, says Kerner. The trou­ble with your part­ner shar­ing the same so­cial cir­cle, friends and sched­ule as you do is that you start to lose your in­di­vid­u­al­ity. And strong cou­ples need to con­sist of two unique peo­ple who each bring their own spe­cial pas­sions to the lives they share.

By de­tach­ing your hips every so of­ten and hang­ing with your re­spec­tive best friends, you’ll have room to try out new ac­tiv­i­ties. Then when you come back to­gether, you’ll both be more in­ter­est­ing and in­ter­ested in each other. As Dr Ja­cobs says, the most suc­cess­ful cou­ples have a lot in com­mon, but they ‘strike a bal­ance be­tween spend­ing time to­gether a nd apart’.

WOULD YOU KISS YOUR BEST FRIEND WITH THAT MUCH TONGUE?

WELL, SURE… SO LONG AS YOU EAT ICE- CREAM WITH YOUR BESTIES, TOO.

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