SHOULD YOUR BOYFRIEND BE YOUR BESTIE?
Hint: no. And here's why not,
I know I’ll get hate for this opinion, considering that 83 per cent of adults say their significant other is their BFF, according to a Monmouth University poll. Some of these couples could have actually started out as pals before dating. But i t’s more l ikely that since they have so much in common and spend every moment together, they have started to refer to each other this way, says Ian Kerner, a sex and couples therapist.
And because our culture increasingly holds up these relationships as ones to aspire to, it doesn’t seem l ike this #CoupleGoal is going anywhere anytime soon. Here’s why it should.
HE CAN’T BE YOUR ABSOLUTE #1
Jeremy’s not my one and only emotional rock – and I think that’s why our relationship i s as strong as it is. ‘ To have your partner be your sole resource for friendship, support and love is just too much for any
Forget what you’ve heard; your partner shouldn’t actually be your friend. Writer Brittany Galla argues why keeping your man in a separate category strengthens your relationship On the night before our wedding, I snuck my fiancé, Jeremy, into a corner of the restaurant where we were holding our rehearsal dinner. Champagne glass in hand, I sternly reminded him: ‘ Please don’t refer to me as your best friend in any Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram or toast over the next 24 hours… or ever.’ He laughed in agreement, interlocking my fingers in his. I was, and still am, opposed to the ‘ I’m marrying my best friend!’ BS. Every time I see or hear that cliché, it takes serious restraint not to comment: Wait, did you erase your actual besties when you got a ring? I love Jeremy and I happily chose him as my life partner, but being with him doesn’t mean he’s replaced my girls. It seems like so much to ask of someone – be my lover and my closest confidant.
one person to possibly fulfil,’ says relationship therapist Isadora Alman. To me, it seems nearly impossible. When I go through tough times, I want to know that I have my partner and my friends, family and community at my back. And I’ll always need other people – like my bestie, Meghan, or my uni roommate, Melissa – to talk to and get advice from when Jeremy and I hit a snag.
After all, what can you do if the boyfriend you’re royally pissed at is also the only person you go to for help and support? With no outside buds to call, you’ll likely wind up complaining to your guy about him, putting him in an overwhelming (and, honestly, annoying) position, says Dr John Jacobs, psychiatrist and author of All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage. ‘Doing that puts an enormous amount of pressure on your relationship. And having to handle such a needy partner is not very sexy.’
HE SHOULDN’T KNOW EVERYTHING
Speaking of not sexy, telling your S.O. every detail of your existence can potentially backf ire. ‘ You want to keep your relationship exciting and somewhat mysterious in order to avoid letting too much comfort and familiarity set in,’ explains Kerner. ‘ For example, I unFriended my wife on Facebook because I don’t need to know each l ittle thing about her life.’
This is totally different than keeping secrets from your partner, which is more problematic and can drive a wedge between you, says Kerner. You should have a safe and secure base where you can feel free to talk about important goingson in your lives. But convos about the camping gear he’s desperately coveting or the microdermabrasion treatment you want to try? Not as vital to share.
HE WON’T ALWAYS BRING THE NEW
Why is it that everyone you know wants to travel abroad? Because immersing yourself in a foreign place – with all its surprises – is so exciting. Dating a nonBFF who has different interests and hobbies than you do can be similarly rewarding, says Kerner. The trouble with your partner sharing the same social circle, friends and schedule as you do is that you start to lose your individuality. And strong couples need to consist of two unique people who each bring their own special passions to the lives they share.
By detaching your hips every so often and hanging with your respective best friends, you’ll have room to try out new activities. Then when you come back together, you’ll both be more interesting and interested in each other. As Dr Jacobs says, the most successful couples have a lot in common, but they ‘strike a balance between spending time together a nd apart’.
WOULD YOU KISS YOUR BEST FRIEND WITH THAT MUCH TONGUE?
WELL, SURE… SO LONG AS YOU EAT ICE- CREAM WITH YOUR BESTIES, TOO.