Pol­lie Tick­led Zom­bies have ar­rived, but not the vir­gins

Daily Mercury - - WEEKEND - WITH Michael Burlace

IN CASE you missed it, last Sun­day was Zom­bie Day. You know, peo­ple dress up as the un­dead and wan­der around look­ing like it’s a bad Hal­loween. I try to dodge it, but when you mix with politi­cians it’s im­pos­si­ble. Ev­ery day is zom­bie day for many of them. But some have found niches, places they feel at home and where they are wel­comed.

One was in his el­e­ment over the past few weeks, try­ing to raise the dead, in­ject life into those gone too far and at the same time drain the lifeblood out of the econ­omy.

Yes. You guessed it. The prime min­is­ter who will not die. And as usual there was a com­pe­ti­tion go­ing on but we’ll leave the un­dead for­mer prime min­is­ter out of it for the mo­ment and fo­cus on the man run­ning the gas in­dus­try.

Un­mal­colm, un­dead, un­o­rig­i­nal and unin­spir­ing. But full of ideas about how to re­vive the un­re­viv­able. Dig it up, he tells his min­ions. It will come to some sort of life.

But the Pre­mier’s Zom­bie Stop­ping Group says “No”, loud and clear. Louder than any plebiscite can. Un­mal­colm knows no plebiscite on that is­sue would work. Lock the Gate proved that with its door to door sur­vey when more than 80% voted against coal seam gas, and on many roads it was well over 90%.

And gas prices are ris­ing be­cause we’re ex­port­ing the cheap stuff to make mas­sive prof­its for pri­vate com­pa­nies. But the world may be saved by some voodoo, it turns out.

Our other un­dead, never say die en­ergy spe­cial­ist has ad­dressed a se­lect group in Bri­tain (who paid the air­fare, Tony?) to great ac­claim on the sub­ject of en­ergy, global warm­ing and science.

It seems we can safely burn all the coal we have (plenty) be­cause a prom­i­nent cli­mate spe­cial­ist has found that the whole idea of hu­man-cre­ated cli­mate change is a hoax.

And be­sides, it would warm up those peo­ple who would oth­er­wise die of cold and at the same time green up the planet. Not that hu­man-cre­ated cli­mate change is hap­pen­ing, but if it ever did hap­pen...

Pro­fes­sor Tony Ab­bott from the Cli­mate Truthers In­sti­tute con­firms that the science around cli­mate change is “ab­so­lute crap”. He also said cli­mate change is prob­a­bly do­ing “more good than harm” and poli­cies to curb it are like “prim­i­tive peo­ple once killing goats to ap­pease vol­cano gods”.

So I’m off to find a suit­able an­gry moun­tain on the Pa­cific Rim. If I have to ap­pease vol­cano gods, I’ll start lo­cally.

Find­ing sacri­fi­cial goats is no prob­lem, the world has plenty of goats. And you can do won­der­ful things with them. Although I haven’t seen them used in pleas­ing said gods, I can con­firm they make mighty fine meals.

As I pack my rit­ual robes and up­date my in­can­ta­tions, I’m googling to find out what the pro­to­col is on us­ing sacri­fi­cial vir­gins these days.

But my reg­u­lar witchcraft stock­ist seems to be right out of vir­gins – none showed up in that search. What’s the world com­ing to?

Poli­cies to curb cli­mate change are like prim­i­tive peo­ple once killing goats to ap­pease vol­cano gods.

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