YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!

You know you’re of­fi­cially an ACOD when you’ve…

ELLE (Australia) - - Street Style -

...BEEN THE FIRST RESPONDER TO A MID­NIGHT MELT­DOWN

They promised to keep it am­i­ca­ble, but more than once you’ve wo­ken up to 11 missed calls from your mother, half a bot­tle of Bai­leys in, threat­en­ing to set fire to your fa­ther’s boat, and while you could have drawn a healthy bound­ary by ex­plain­ing ar­son is her choice, in­stead you Ubered over, tucked her into bed and glued her wed­ding al­bum back to­gether.

…SPLIT CHRIST­MAS

What kind of fes­tive bull­shit is this?! Eat­ing an 11am lunch with one par­ent, then driv­ing an hour across the city for a 2pm re­peat with the other. If you’re used to a big, noisy fam­ily Christ­mas, eat­ing a tur­key frozen din­ner in your dad’s new bach­e­lor pad will feel like the op­po­site of a Christ­mas mir­a­cle, so BYO cham­pagne and hope for a gift pur­chased out of guilt.

…USED THE PHRASE “MY DAD’S GIRL­FRIEND”

Or “my mum’s boyfriend”. Ei­ther way, af­ter a life­time of just mum and dad, they’re not terms that roll off the tongue. Next up, catch­ing “Mum and Dave” grind­ing it against the dish­washer dur­ing a Sun­day lunch that was al­ready a gap­ing hell-mouth of awk­ward.

…MET YOUR NEW 12-YEAR-OLD STEP­BROTHER

Just think, you could have gone through life never know­ing what a fid­get spin­ner was ex­cept your dad’s new part­ner brings with her a bonus step-sib­ling! Haz­ard warn­ing: don’t agree to babysit – not even once – un­less you want to spend ev­ery Satur­day night play­ing Res­i­dent Evil with a pread­o­les­cent ex­hibit­ing se­ri­ous anger is­sues.

…AG­O­NISED OVER A SEAT­ING PLAN

Ex­actly how do you seat both of your par­ents at your wed­ding re­cep­tion’s top ta­ble, but far enough apart that they can’t get into it dur­ing the en­trees? Know that in­stead of sourc­ing bom­boniere, most of your en­gage­ment will be spent creat­ing a hu­man shield of other fam­ily mem­bers be­tween war­ring par­ents.

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