YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
You know you’re officially an ACOD when you’ve…
...BEEN THE FIRST RESPONDER TO A MIDNIGHT MELTDOWN
They promised to keep it amicable, but more than once you’ve woken up to 11 missed calls from your mother, half a bottle of Baileys in, threatening to set fire to your father’s boat, and while you could have drawn a healthy boundary by explaining arson is her choice, instead you Ubered over, tucked her into bed and glued her wedding album back together.
What kind of festive bullshit is this?! Eating an 11am lunch with one parent, then driving an hour across the city for a 2pm repeat with the other. If you’re used to a big, noisy family Christmas, eating a turkey frozen dinner in your dad’s new bachelor pad will feel like the opposite of a Christmas miracle, so BYO champagne and hope for a gift purchased out of guilt.
…USED THE PHRASE “MY DAD’S GIRLFRIEND”
Or “my mum’s boyfriend”. Either way, after a lifetime of just mum and dad, they’re not terms that roll off the tongue. Next up, catching “Mum and Dave” grinding it against the dishwasher during a Sunday lunch that was already a gaping hell-mouth of awkward.
…MET YOUR NEW 12-YEAR-OLD STEPBROTHER
Just think, you could have gone through life never knowing what a fidget spinner was except your dad’s new partner brings with her a bonus step-sibling! Hazard warning: don’t agree to babysit – not even once – unless you want to spend every Saturday night playing Resident Evil with a preadolescent exhibiting serious anger issues.
…AGONISED OVER A SEATING PLAN
Exactly how do you seat both of your parents at your wedding reception’s top table, but far enough apart that they can’t get into it during the entrees? Know that instead of sourcing bomboniere, most of your engagement will be spent creating a human shield of other family members between warring parents.