The Master of Sex and space bar­tender makes a mean pavlova

Empire (Australasia) - - CONTENTS - WORDS HELEN O’HARA

… that’s the name of his au­to­bi­og­ra­phy.

Do you have a sig­na­ture dish?

Well, I won [Star Baker on] The Great Comic Relief Bake Off with my lemon pavlova, but I refuse to ever make it again. It was a mir­a­cle that hap­pened, so I don’t want to try to re­peat it.

When were you most starstruck?

I was in a restau­rant with Arthur Miller once. A for­ma­tive mo­ment for me was watch­ing The Cru­cible when I was about 13, but he did also have sex with Mar­i­lyn Mon­roe, and shame­fully that did sweep through my mind. Also, I once walked around Pinewood Studios with Bar­bara Wind­sor, and I re­mem­ber her say­ing, “This is where we shot the bit where my bikini came fly­ing off in Carry On Camp­ing.” That was pos­si­bly the mo­ment I got the big­gest chills.

Who did you play in your first school play?

Farmer Munchkin in The Wizard Of Oz. I only had one word: “ZOOOOOM.” I gave it gusto! I think I marked my­self out as a po­ten­tial star.

What would you call your au­to­bi­og­ra­phy?

I’m al­ways say­ing, “Oh, that’ll be the name of my au­to­bi­og­ra­phy,” when I hear a re­ally funny line. Maybe I’d call it, ‘That’ll Be The Name Of My Au­to­bi­og­ra­phy’.

What is the strangest in­ter­ac­tion you’ve ever had with a fan?

There was a lady who came to hun­dreds of per­for­mances of a play I did. [At] the stage door, she’d say, “Hello, Michael,” and I’d say, “Hello.” Be­cause of its un­strangeness, that was very strange.

What is the most un­usual place you have ever thrown up?

When I first came to LA, I’d have meet­ings with peo­ple who run stu­dio cast­ing de­part­ments. [In one of them] I started to feel re­ally rough. I was be­ing asked a ques­tion and I said, “I’m ter­ri­bly sorry, but I think I’m about to be sick.” I started throw­ing up as I was walk­ing out of her of­fice, and I threw up all over the walls of the wait­ing room. She never gave me a part, but she re­mem­bered me.

Have you ever know­ingly bro­ken the law?

Me and a friend thought it would be in­ter­est­ing to see if we could get from one end of the street to the other, just on peo­ple’s roofs. At night. We man­aged, un­til a po­lice car turned up. So we jumped off some­one’s roof into what turned out to be a muddy bog. Then we had the slow­est chase in the uni­verse as we waded through this bog.

What is your ear­li­est mem­ory?

I’m walk­ing down a cor­ri­dor to­wards this door. I open the door and a voice from down­stairs says, “Michael, what are you do­ing?” I re­alise I’m do­ing some­thing naughty and I close the door again. On the other side of the door my new baby sis­ter is sleep­ing, and I think I’m go­ing in there to kill her. I think! We’ll never know be­cause my mother’s voice stopped me. Maybe that’s the ti­tle of my au­to­bi­og­ra­phy: ‘Michael, What Are

You Do­ing?’

On a scale of one to ten, how hairy is your arse?

I’m go­ing to get some help with this. [Shouts] Sarah! [Silverman, Sheen’s girl­friend] On a scale of one to ten, how hairy is my arse? [Pause] It’s im­mac­u­late, she says. I wouldn’t trust any­thing she says. Sarah once told me she liked the smell of my armpit, so for her birth­day I put bits of cot­ton un­der my armpit, my arse crack and my ball sack all day, then I put each one into a lit­tle test tube, in a pre­sen­ta­tion box. She says she didn’t need arse crack, but that was a lit­tle free­bie.


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