THE DRIVER’S WIFE

Ob­scene?

F1 Racing - - INSIDER -

“It was a dis­ap­point­ing weekend,” the press re­lease said.

Come on, you bunch of pussies! Just tell the truth! This would be my re­port of the race weekend: Un­cle Luiz’s trac­tor han­dled bet­ter than car. And the lit­tle Ital­ian who took him out on the penul­ti­mate lap had bet­ter have good health in­sur­ance, that’s all I’m go­ing to say.

Okay, okay, I’m mak­ing his press of­fi­cer ner­vous again. He’s like a bloody yeast in­fec­tion, I haven’t been able to shake him off all weekend. It’s be­cause of some ges­ture I ap­par­ently made in qual­i­fy­ing. He doesn’t un­der­stand, I’m not like these re­served Brits: if I’m pissed off, I show it. He’d do bet­ter to have a go at the guys who made that dog of a car or the en­gi­neers who sent him out into traf­fic for his fly­ing lap. So, yeah, when doesn’t make it through to Q3 for the first time this sea­son, you can’t blame me for re­act­ing. It’s not my fault the TV cam­era­men fo­cus on me when I’m in the garage. Who’d tune in to look at me­chan­ics and cars non-stop? No one – that’s who. Even petrolheads need beauty… that’s what says any­way. Isn’t he cute? And don’t even think of ask­ing me to watch from any­where else. The first time I stood in the garage, got pole and you don’t mess with fate. Plus my fans ex­pect to see me there and I’m not let­ting them down. And, be­tween you and me, they also want to see me wear­ing the lat­est de­signs of Brazil­ian ge­nius Thi­ago Moreira, whose easy-chic collection will be avail­able in all ma­jor Euro­pean cities by the end of the year.

It’s very strong to say the ges­ture was ob­scene. I’m also sur­prised it trans­lated so well in­ter­na­tion­ally. In parts of my coun­try it’s so ex­ceed­ingly com­mon it’s prac­ti­cally a greet­ing. So much so, that fan club are al­ready mak­ing T-shirts of it. You can just feel the love.

It’s also not true that I di­rected it at his team-mate, more that it was just a co­in­ci­dence that, as he bumped out of the top ten for Q3, he flashed onto the screen.

Hav­ing watched mul­ti­ple re­plays on the pre- and pos­trace shows, I con­ceded to the press of­fi­cer (only be­cause it was eas­ier than get­ting a re­strain­ing or­der) that I could have sub­sti­tuted a more pos­i­tive ges­ture. I showed him a few and asked him to pick, but he got all trem­bly again.

I’m con­cerned for be­cause his press of­fi­cer clearly knows noth­ing about me­dia. With the cam­era­men fol­low­ing my ev­ery move for the rest of the weekend, there was no way on earth you could claim a neg­a­tive me­dia im­pact.

God bless you – es­pe­cially those of you who don’t strug­gle un­der the crush­ing weight of celebrity.

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