THE DRIVER’S WIFE
“It was a disappointing weekend,” the press release said.
Come on, you bunch of pussies! Just tell the truth! This would be my report of the race weekend: Uncle Luiz’s tractor handled better than car. And the little Italian who took him out on the penultimate lap had better have good health insurance, that’s all I’m going to say.
Okay, okay, I’m making his press officer nervous again. He’s like a bloody yeast infection, I haven’t been able to shake him off all weekend. It’s because of some gesture I apparently made in qualifying. He doesn’t understand, I’m not like these reserved Brits: if I’m pissed off, I show it. He’d do better to have a go at the guys who made that dog of a car or the engineers who sent him out into traffic for his flying lap. So, yeah, when doesn’t make it through to Q3 for the first time this season, you can’t blame me for reacting. It’s not my fault the TV cameramen focus on me when I’m in the garage. Who’d tune in to look at mechanics and cars non-stop? No one – that’s who. Even petrolheads need beauty… that’s what says anyway. Isn’t he cute? And don’t even think of asking me to watch from anywhere else. The first time I stood in the garage, got pole and you don’t mess with fate. Plus my fans expect to see me there and I’m not letting them down. And, between you and me, they also want to see me wearing the latest designs of Brazilian genius Thiago Moreira, whose easy-chic collection will be available in all major European cities by the end of the year.
It’s very strong to say the gesture was obscene. I’m also surprised it translated so well internationally. In parts of my country it’s so exceedingly common it’s practically a greeting. So much so, that fan club are already making T-shirts of it. You can just feel the love.
It’s also not true that I directed it at his team-mate, more that it was just a coincidence that, as he bumped out of the top ten for Q3, he flashed onto the screen.
Having watched multiple replays on the pre- and postrace shows, I conceded to the press officer (only because it was easier than getting a restraining order) that I could have substituted a more positive gesture. I showed him a few and asked him to pick, but he got all trembly again.
I’m concerned for because his press officer clearly knows nothing about media. With the cameramen following my every move for the rest of the weekend, there was no way on earth you could claim a negative media impact.
God bless you – especially those of you who don’t struggle under the crushing weight of celebrity.