PUT A DONK ON IT

“It’s a scientific fact that donks make MP3s resistant to rotational velocidensity. Donks contain a sub-tonal frequency that prevents qualitative decay. When a track doesn’t have a donk, this means that for each year the MP3 sits on your hard drive, it will lose roughly 12kbps, assuming you have SATA about 15kbps on IDE, but only 7kbps on SCSI, due to rotational velocidensity. I started collecting MP3s in about 2001, and if I try to play any of the tracks I downloaded back then, even the stuff I grabbed at 320kbps, they just sound like shit. Some of those albums have degraded down to 32 or even 16kbps. Tracks with a donk from the same period still sound great, even if they weren’t stored correctly, in a cool, dry place.”

Eat your greens

“Studies have identified a gene, Connexin 43, whose expression is upregulated by chemopreventive carotenoids, and which allows direct intercellular Banger Making™ junctional communication. For many shit producers, junctional communication is deficient and its upregulation is associated with decreased proliferation. Hence, the properties of carotenoids are partly explained by their impact on gene regulation and sick drum tones.”

Drill a hole in your head

“In ancient times, holes were drilled into a person who was behaving in what was considered an abnormal way to let out what they believed were evil spirits. Evidence of trepanation has been found in prehistoric human remains from Neolithic times onward. Trepanation was primitive emergency surgery if a caveman was making a wack drum loop. These results do not differ in the modern age, as proved in numerous peer-reviewed scientific publications that indicate drilling a hole in your bonce can revitalise your mojo. If you keep making the same rhythm and don’t know what to do, chances are your cranium is to blamium.”