Olympic for­mula

Herald Sun - Motoring - - News - TIMBLAIR blairt@dai­lytele­graph.com.au

A FEW years ago For­mula One rule mak­ers briefly con­sid­ered a gold-sil­ver-bronze medal struc­ture to de­cide who would be world cham­pion.

The idea was quickly cast aside when F1 au­thor­i­ties re­alised that a sys­tem that re­warded only the top three fin­ish­ers would alien­ate strug­gling mid-field and tailend com­peti­tors. No rea­son to race if you don’t win a prize.

So F1 now awards points right down to 10th place. Still, that’s no rea­son not to re­con­sider a medal sys­tem. Be­yond the top three plac­ings, here’s how it could work: Fourth: Alu­minium Fifth: Wood Sixth: Arts de­gree Seventh: Cold pizza Eighth: Spam email Ninth: Cat Tenth: So­lar panel

Af­ter 11 rounds of the 2012 world cham­pi­onship, Spain’s Fer­nando Alonso leads with three golds, two sil­vers, one bronze, three woods, one cold pizza and a cat. Aus­tralia’s Mark Web­ber is sev­eral arts de­grees and one or two so­lar pan­els be­hind.


THINK of fed­eral trea­surer Wayne Swan and you don’t im­me­di­ately imag­ine Hemi V8s, chrome wheels and fuel in­jec­tion. Yet Swan is ap­par­ently a huge Bruce Spring­steen fan, par­tic­u­larly of the New Jersey bal­ladeer’s car-cel­e­brat­ing mid-1970s hit Born to Run, which cites all of these ma­jor au­to­mo­tive ad­vances.

‘‘ My in­spi­ra­tion has al­ways been mu­sic,’’ Swan re­vealed this week, slightly sur­pris­ingly. ‘‘ Bruce Spring­steen, The Boss, was and re­mains my mu­si­cal hero.’’ Of Born to Run, Swan con­fesses: ‘‘ The song has never left me. I still crank it up loud on Bud­get night and af­ter our fam­ily din­ner par­ties.’’

I don’t mean to ruin your morn­ing but let’s work through Spring­steen’s lyrics and see how they may ap­ply to Swan’s Boss-in­spired world:

Baby this town rips the bones from your back. It’s a death trap, it’s a sui­cide rap. Canberra. Ob­vi­ously.

Just wrap your legs round these vel­vet rims and strap your hands across my en­gines. Push aside thoughts of eat­ing for 24 hours while you vi­su­alise Swan singing those lyrics

Be­yond the palace Hemi- pow­ered drones scream down the boule­vard. We await Swan’s tech­ni­cal ex­pla­na­tion of Chrysler’s hemi­spher­i­cal com­bus­tion cham­bers.

The girls comb their hair in rearview mir­rors and the boys try to look so hard. Now he’s de­scrib­ing Ques­tion Time.

I’m just a scared and lonely

rider. You and ev­ery other La­bor MP, Wayne.

This fel­low truly brings new rel­e­vance to Spring­steen’s work. Drive on, trea­surer man.

Medal for­mula: Keep Web­ber, Alonso and Vet­tel happy with cats and cold pizza

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