Sun­day, bloody Sun­day don’t rate

Herald Sun - Switched On - - On The Couch -

IAM go­ing to give you this news now, so you can start mak­ing other plans for Sun­day night. Nazi Hunters isn’t on. I can’t un­der­stand it ei­ther. They make all kinds of bone­head de­ci­sions in tele­vi­sion, and this is just an­other one. I mean, you would’ve had peo­ple coming round, the kids would be all keyed up, and now this. I don’t know what you say to them. Maybe start by gen­tly ex­plain­ing that Santa doesn’t ex­ist, then tell them they won’t be able to watch Nazi Hunters.

See, nor­mally when the of­fi­cial tele­vi­sion rat­ings pe­riod is on, Sun­day is re­garded by the net­works as the most im­por­tant night of the week, be­cause it’s where the big­gest au­di­ence is. So some amount of ef­fort is made to put on a show, or more than one, that has broad ap­peal and isn’t to­tal rub­bish, or ide­ally is ac­tu­ally very good. MasterChef, for in­stance. House Hus­bands. Mod­ern Fam­ily.

But then the rat­ings pe­riod ends and all of a sud­den we find our­selves be­ing treated like their first wife. It hap­pens ev­ery year. I don’t know why I’m sur­prised. It’s just that the pain never goes away.

Bor­der Se­cu­rity is not a TV show. Mo­tor­way Pa­trol fea­tured a poo­dle trot­ting along the road the other night. They closed lanes, slowed down traf­fic, a fat cop wad­dled af­ter it, arms flail­ing . . . a poo­dle. I don’t know if the cop­per was fat, maybe I was pic­tur­ing The Simp­sons, though I hardly see how I’d get the two shows con­fused.

They’re chas­ing a guy on a Yamaha 50-some­thing mo­tor­bike this week. The nar­ra­tor says it may seem mildly hu­mor­ous, a mo­tor­bike with an en­gine the size of a lawn­mower. No. No it doesn’t. What may seem slightly amus­ing, I don’t know, is the way they couldn’t quite co­in­cide the beep­ing with the swear­ing.

And yet Seven’s cram­ming new episodes of Once Upon A Time into the sum­mer sched­ule, two a week. And show­ing a nice creepy three­year-old New Zealand thriller, The Cult, at 10.30 at night. All I can say is, they must be very, very con­fi­dent about next year.

I counted 12 episodes of Big Bang The­ory on Nine this week. I didn’t look at how many were on GO! I’m go­ing to guess more than 12.

Ten has some­how emerged as the only net­work with any­thing to watch. I say some­how, be­cause there are a cou­ple of shows here that clearly shouldn’t have been left in the cup­board and brought out af­ter the rat­ings were over. Wed­ding Band, for in­stance. Still. Do we care? Yes, very much, if you are a stake­holder. And I care, be­cause I want TV to be not crap, at all times, not just when ad­ver­tis­ers are ready to book space.

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