Sunday, bloody Sunday don’t rate
IAM going to give you this news now, so you can start making other plans for Sunday night. Nazi Hunters isn’t on. I can’t understand it either. They make all kinds of bonehead decisions in television, and this is just another one. I mean, you would’ve had people coming round, the kids would be all keyed up, and now this. I don’t know what you say to them. Maybe start by gently explaining that Santa doesn’t exist, then tell them they won’t be able to watch Nazi Hunters.
See, normally when the official television ratings period is on, Sunday is regarded by the networks as the most important night of the week, because it’s where the biggest audience is. So some amount of effort is made to put on a show, or more than one, that has broad appeal and isn’t total rubbish, or ideally is actually very good. MasterChef, for instance. House Husbands. Modern Family.
But then the ratings period ends and all of a sudden we find ourselves being treated like their first wife. It happens every year. I don’t know why I’m surprised. It’s just that the pain never goes away.
Border Security is not a TV show. Motorway Patrol featured a poodle trotting along the road the other night. They closed lanes, slowed down traffic, a fat cop waddled after it, arms flailing . . . a poodle. I don’t know if the copper was fat, maybe I was picturing The Simpsons, though I hardly see how I’d get the two shows confused.
They’re chasing a guy on a Yamaha 50-something motorbike this week. The narrator says it may seem mildly humorous, a motorbike with an engine the size of a lawnmower. No. No it doesn’t. What may seem slightly amusing, I don’t know, is the way they couldn’t quite coincide the beeping with the swearing.
And yet Seven’s cramming new episodes of Once Upon A Time into the summer schedule, two a week. And showing a nice creepy threeyear-old New Zealand thriller, The Cult, at 10.30 at night. All I can say is, they must be very, very confident about next year.
I counted 12 episodes of Big Bang Theory on Nine this week. I didn’t look at how many were on GO! I’m going to guess more than 12.
Ten has somehow emerged as the only network with anything to watch. I say somehow, because there are a couple of shows here that clearly shouldn’t have been left in the cupboard and brought out after the ratings were over. Wedding Band, for instance. Still. Do we care? Yes, very much, if you are a stakeholder. And I care, because I want TV to be not crap, at all times, not just when advertisers are ready to book space.