Half a dozen golfing things that are confusing me
ACCORDING to the Oxford dictionar y ( well, actually it was more like ‘According to the first site I come across in Google’) the word confusion means “disarray, turmoil, discombobulation”. I’m constantly in disarray and occasionally I’ve been known to be in a state of turmoil, but if my memory serves me correctly, I can’t remember ever being discombobulated. I reckon the closest I came was the day I fruitlessly tried to be funny when Danny Green had just attempted to hit a knockdown 7-iron in a Fox Sports Corporate day at Concord. After suggesting to the champ that he move the ball back and keep his hands in front, he proceeded to rip the club so far into the grass behind the ball that his divot just flapped over the nut like a bad hairpiece. When he asked where the ball had gone I bent over, folded back the offending sod and said “What number were you playing Danny?”
Anyway, I’ve been a bit confused about a few things in the world of golf.
Number 1 on my list of tumult is: What does Ireland have that Australia doesn’t. The way I calculate it, approximately half the population of Ireland have won a major since the start of this century but Australia is currently working on 1 in every 22 million. Maybe it’s something to do with the fermentation process of the Guinness which has some effect on the part of the brain that controls nerves. The downside is the inability to speak clearly and the hallucinogenic consequence of believing that running around an oval belting the heck out of someone with a weird-looking hockey stick, is a sport.
2) Speaking of centuries, are we serious about comparing Yani Tseng’s achievement of winning 4 majors by the age of 22, to that of a bloke who played in 1872? Was it even called golf back then? When Old Tom Morris’s son — creatively named “Young Tom Morris”—won his 4 majors before the age of 22, he was competing against 32 pipe-smoking gentlemen dressed in three-piece suits more concerned with whether or not Mrs Morris had peeled the cucumber for the postmatch sandwiches.
3) Speaking of sandwiches this year’s British Open was played on a golf course designed in Sandwich, England, by a dude named by Dr. William Laidlaw Purves. Now, when you think of famous British Open venues, don’t you usually associate them with names like Old Tom Morris, Alister MacKenzie or JH Taylor and not Billy Purves? According to my old mate, former Australian Open Champion Frank Phillips —who has played the British Open at Royal St Georges — the doc should just have looked after his patients and not created a golf course which shattered everyone’s patience.
4) Speaking of perves, when I was presenting crosses for the Maquarie Radio Network from all the Australian Women’s PGA tour events earlier this year, my wife, Sandra, was constantly accusing me of watching the players instead of the golf ball. I spent weeks finding ways to convince her she couldn’t have been more wrong and I was actually studying their followthroughs in case any of them might ask me for some advice. You know, me being a bit of an expert in following through. It was only a year or so ago at Kingston Heath when all she could talk about was Tiger’s tight buttocks and the how many zeros there were on his mobile phone number…… hang on a minute!
5) Speaking of buttocks’s’s, mine has reached new levels of sagginess due to my new low-carb regime. Why can’t Jenny Craig Atkins-Watchers or someone come up with a diet which takes the roundness off your belly and places it on your backside?
6) Speaking of bellies, has anyone else noticed how many belly putters are being wielded around on the tour at the moment? They have always been commonplace with the old blokes but now kids are using them and are winning millions. If this trend is maintained it won’t be long before the officials — who spend their lives trying to make the world’s hardest game as painful as possible —will latch on and ban the putter which hangs out of our navels. God only knows what other parts of our bodies the putter technicians will come up with to replace the belly button.
That’s all the confusion I have time to write about this month. If anyone can help me with these conundrums please email me at ed@ insidegolf.com.au
The Toro Pub is an annual event held by Toro Australia during the Australian Turfgrass Conference and Exhibition. The 2011 Toro Pub was held at the Colonel Light Hotel in Adelaide. Pictured are Laurence Bingham, Peter Schumacher, Tim Emery, Leigh Yannah, Marjoleine Lloyd and Tim Maguire. Last month’s article on 96-year-old Les Smith generated some good feedback from senior golfers across Australia. This photo, submitted by Allan Miller, shows four 86-year old golfers who played together regularly at Catalina Golf Club Batemans Bay. Taken two years ago, the photo shows Arthur Prested (Life Member and ex Captain of Catalina Veteran Golfers), Major General Alan Stretton, Allan Miller and Don Mander. Unfortunately, due to ill health, Arthur had to give up golf soon after this photo was taken, but the other three still enjoy their golf together. Says Allan: “Our congratulation to Les Smith. We are only juniors compared to him but we think that we have a fair bit of golf in us yet!”
A discombobulated (and saggy-bottomed) Larry Canning