Half a dozen golf­ing things that are con­fus­ing me

Inside Golf - - The 19th Hole - Lar­ryCan­ning

AC­CORD­ING to the Ox­ford dic­tio­nar y ( well, ac­tu­ally it was more like ‘Ac­cord­ing to the first site I come across in Google’) the word con­fu­sion means “dis­ar­ray, tur­moil, dis­com­bob­u­la­tion”. I’m con­stantly in dis­ar­ray and oc­ca­sion­ally I’ve been known to be in a state of tur­moil, but if my mem­ory serves me cor­rectly, I can’t re­mem­ber ever be­ing dis­com­bob­u­lated. I reckon the clos­est I came was the day I fruit­lessly tried to be funny when Danny Green had just at­tempted to hit a knock­down 7-iron in a Fox Sports Cor­po­rate day at Con­cord. Af­ter sug­gest­ing to the champ that he move the ball back and keep his hands in front, he pro­ceeded to rip the club so far into the grass be­hind the ball that his divot just flapped over the nut like a bad hair­piece. When he asked where the ball had gone I bent over, folded back the of­fend­ing sod and said “What num­ber were you play­ing Danny?”

Any­way, I’ve been a bit con­fused about a few things in the world of golf.

Num­ber 1 on my list of tu­mult is: What does Ire­land have that Aus­tralia doesn’t. The way I cal­cu­late it, ap­prox­i­mately half the pop­u­la­tion of Ire­land have won a ma­jor since the start of this cen­tury but Aus­tralia is cur­rently work­ing on 1 in ev­ery 22 mil­lion. Maybe it’s some­thing to do with the fer­men­ta­tion process of the Guin­ness which has some ef­fect on the part of the brain that con­trols nerves. The down­side is the in­abil­ity to speak clearly and the hal­lu­cino­genic con­se­quence of be­liev­ing that run­ning around an oval belt­ing the heck out of some­one with a weird-look­ing hockey stick, is a sport.

2) Speak­ing of cen­turies, are we se­ri­ous about com­par­ing Yani Tseng’s achieve­ment of win­ning 4 ma­jors by the age of 22, to that of a bloke who played in 1872? Was it even called golf back then? When Old Tom Morris’s son — cre­atively named “Young Tom Morris”—won his 4 ma­jors be­fore the age of 22, he was com­pet­ing against 32 pipe-smok­ing gentle­men dressed in three-piece suits more con­cerned with whether or not Mrs Morris had peeled the cu­cum­ber for the post­match sand­wiches.

3) Speak­ing of sand­wiches this year’s Bri­tish Open was played on a golf course de­signed in Sand­wich, Eng­land, by a dude named by Dr. Wil­liam Laid­law Purves. Now, when you think of fa­mous Bri­tish Open venues, don’t you usu­ally as­so­ciate them with names like Old Tom Morris, Alis­ter MacKen­zie or JH Tay­lor and not Billy Purves? Ac­cord­ing to my old mate, for­mer Aus­tralian Open Cham­pion Frank Phillips —who has played the Bri­tish Open at Royal St Ge­orges — the doc should just have looked af­ter his pa­tients and not cre­ated a golf course which shat­tered ev­ery­one’s pa­tience.

4) Speak­ing of perves, when I was pre­sent­ing crosses for the Maquarie Ra­dio Net­work from all the Aus­tralian Women’s PGA tour events ear­lier this year, my wife, San­dra, was con­stantly ac­cus­ing me of watch­ing the play­ers in­stead of the golf ball. I spent weeks find­ing ways to con­vince her she couldn’t have been more wrong and I was ac­tu­ally study­ing their fol­lowthroughs in case any of them might ask me for some ad­vice. You know, me be­ing a bit of an ex­pert in fol­low­ing through. It was only a year or so ago at Kingston Heath when all she could talk about was Tiger’s tight but­tocks and the how many zeros there were on his mo­bile phone num­ber…… hang on a minute!

5) Speak­ing of but­tocks’s’s, mine has reached new lev­els of sag­gi­ness due to my new low-carb regime. Why can’t Jenny Craig Atkins-Watch­ers or some­one come up with a diet which takes the round­ness off your belly and places it on your back­side?

6) Speak­ing of bel­lies, has any­one else no­ticed how many belly put­ters are be­ing wielded around on the tour at the mo­ment? They have al­ways been com­mon­place with the old blokes but now kids are us­ing them and are win­ning mil­lions. If this trend is main­tained it won’t be long be­fore the of­fi­cials — who spend their lives try­ing to make the world’s hard­est game as painful as pos­si­ble —will latch on and ban the put­ter which hangs out of our navels. God only knows what other parts of our bod­ies the put­ter tech­ni­cians will come up with to re­place the belly but­ton.

That’s all the con­fu­sion I have time to write about this month. If any­one can help me with these co­nun­drums please email me at ed@ in­sid­e­golf.com.au

The Toro Pub is an an­nual event held by Toro Aus­tralia dur­ing the Aus­tralian Tur­f­grass Con­fer­ence and Ex­hi­bi­tion. The 2011 Toro Pub was held at the Colonel Light Ho­tel in Ade­laide. Pic­tured are Lau­rence Bing­ham, Peter Schumacher, Tim Emery, Leigh Yan­nah, Mar­joleine Lloyd and Tim Maguire. Last month’s ar­ti­cle on 96-year-old Les Smith gen­er­ated some good feed­back from se­nior golfers across Aus­tralia. This photo, sub­mit­ted by Al­lan Miller, shows four 86-year old golfers who played to­gether reg­u­larly at Catalina Golf Club Bate­mans Bay. Taken two years ago, the photo shows Arthur Prested (Life Mem­ber and ex Cap­tain of Catalina Vet­eran Golfers), Ma­jor Gen­eral Alan Stret­ton, Al­lan Miller and Don Man­der. Un­for­tu­nately, due to ill health, Arthur had to give up golf soon af­ter this photo was taken, but the other three still en­joy their golf to­gether. Says Al­lan: “Our con­grat­u­la­tion to Les Smith. We are only ju­niors com­pared to him but we think that we have a fair bit of golf in us yet!”

A dis­com­bob­u­lated (and saggy-bot­tomed) Larry Can­ning

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