Re­al­ity re­turns to news – but don’t worry

Life & Style Weekend - - TREND - with Michael Burlace Pol­lie Tick­led is a satir­i­cal col­umn

IT’S safe to cross the road with­out hav­ing to take of­fence on spot­ting a fe­male Walk/Don’t walk fig­ure on a pedes­trian cross­ing – thanks to the Queens­land Lib­eral Na­tional Party. There have only ever been 10 of th­ese dan­ger­ous fig­ures pro­duced and in­stalled – all at Flin­ders and Swanston Sts in Mel­bourne. So Queens­lan­ders are safe as long as they don’t go there. But it is good to have that ex­tra se­cure feel­ing now.

It was just one of many mo­tions passed at the LNP state con­ven­tion in Bris­bane. An­other was a ban on girls un­der 10 wear­ing the Mus­lim hi­jab – a head cov­er­ing – at school.

I can un­der­stand that some­one whose face is fully cov­ered might be seen as a threat and that’s why mo­tor­cy­clists are re­quired to re­move hel­mets in banks. But head cov­er­ings? And they ne­glected to ban a fe­male Walk/Don’t walk fig­ure in a head­scarf on a pedes­trian cross­ing light. Next year maybe?

Un­for­tu­nately, not all the Trump-like mo­tions got through – so we still have no limit on Mus­lim mi­gra­tion and we’re still stuck with pro­tect­ing the Great Bar­rier Reef and our grand­chil­dren’s life­styles by be­ing part of the Paris Cli­mate Ac­cord.

But fed­eral Libs came to the res­cue. The fu­ture is pow­ered by coal, Prime Min­is­ter Mal­colm Turn­bull told the faith­ful in a de­fence of real elec­tric­ity, dis­tinct from so­lar #fake­power.

“Those peo­ple who say coal and other fos­sil fu­els have no fu­ture are delu­sional and they fly in the face of all of the eco­nomic fore­casts.”

And fos­sil fu­els do have a fu­ture – but not a long one, as the US mar­ket has de­ter­mined. For some time, more in­vest­ment has gone into so­lar and wind than into coal, petroleum and nu­clear. And that’s where the jobs growth is, too.

Plus we dis­cov­ered that the mad rush to ex­port as much gas (an­other of your fave fos­sil fu­els, Mal­colm) as pos­si­ble has been the ma­jor fac­tor in ris­ing gas and elec­tric­ity prices.

But all else in our uni­verse was fixed by putting Dutto in charge of all our cops and spies. That will put our spooks be­hind an even big­ger wall of se­crecy. Real democ­racy in ac­tion.

And su­per­vis­ing spooks is in the At­tor­ney-Gen­eral’s hands. Can Ge­orge Bran­dis can keep Dutto from go­ing off the rails with his new power? Well, he wasn’t able to keep the AFP in his port­fo­lio, so Dutto’s prob­a­bly off and rac­ing.

But in real news that mat­ters, Am­ber Har­ri­son nailed it with “My case is a les­son in how many ways can you screw a girl”.

And an on­line fundraiser for Ker­obokan es­capee Shaun David­son de­scribes him as Aus­tralia’s most lov­able fugi­tive. The page is a bit shy of its $50,000 tar­get. I can’t keep up with the adorable glo­be­trot­ter but he had raised $60 at one point.

And this week’s Guardian Es­sen­tial poll of 1830 vot­ers found 71% agreed with “I wish both sides of politics would try to meet each other in the mid­dle more of­ten” and 45% would con­sider vot­ing for a new party that took ideas from both sides of politics.

So all we need is a leader for such a party and we’ll all be saved.

The lov­able Shaun has enough pass­ports to en­sure sev­eral Se­nate res­ig­na­tions at once to trig­ger a mas­sive out­pour­ing of sym­pa­thy and a vote win­ner. So I’m nom­i­nat­ing Shaun. And it will bring him home where he be­longs.

‘‘ My case is a les­son in how many ways can you screw a girl.


Prime Min­is­ter Mal­colm Turn­bull, left, has put Pet­ter Dut­ton in charge of all our cops and spies.

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