Politi­cians go ca­reer­ing off in new ven­tures

Life & Style Weekend - - TREND - Pol­lie Tick­led is a satir­i­cal col­umn. WITH Michael Burlace

I get things re­ally fly­ing – usu­ally when it hits the fan.

WITH all the likely changes to Fed­eral Par­lia­ment’s pop­u­la­tion of strange crea­tures, we de­cided to put on a jobs mar­ket. Each pol­lie will step to the mic to tell you what they of­fer.

First, the bit I love. I’m Anna Bligh, a very suc­cess­ful for­mer politi­cian – you must re­mem­ber my won­der­ful time as Queens­land Premier. I do. In that time I found if you can sell crazy ideas and crappy party mem­bers and vice versa to vot­ers, you can sell any­thing. These days I’m CEO of the Aus­tralian Bankers’ As­so­ci­a­tion. Af­ter all, there’s only one thing more odi­ous than an Aussie pol­lie and that’s a bank.

So I’ve brought my many tal­ents to help these suck­ers get work us­ing their own spe­cial skills. Take it away Mr Bernardi.

Hi, need a hand with fundrais­ing? Con­tact Cory’s Con­trary Cash­boost­ers. We spe­cialise in tweets that turn cam­paigns around. We’re so­cial me­dia ex­perts. Just ask the Ade­laide schoolkids part­ner­ing with the Do it in a Dress folk. They wanted to raise $900 for kids in Africa who had no ac­cess to ed­u­ca­tion. I gave them a boost by tweet­ing some Trump-like stuff and next thing they’ve raised $200,000 with one Cory tweet. Just imag­ine what such a cam­paign can do for you. Next is Mal­colm Roberts:

Hi, I’m run­ning mem­ory cour­ses. My mem­ory used to be so bad that I couldn’t even re­mem­ber how many coun­tries I was a cit­i­zen of, let alone their names. But now, I know where I come from – To­tal Con­fu­sion. Yes, it is a real place. Now what was I here for?

Mal­colm, you for­got to in­tro­duce me, the great Bron­nie. I’m of­fer­ing my fa­mous Two for One course – How to keep your snout in the trough while thumb­ing your nose at the pub­lic. It in­cludes free he­li­copter tran­sits from your home to the con­fer­ence cen­tre.

And I’m Larissa Wa­ters. I do dis­plays of per­fectly rea­son­able be­hav­iour that’s out of fash­ion and guar­an­teed to af­front any­one who’s even more out of fash­ion. I do fem­i­nism, en­vi­ron­ment, hon­esty, re­spon­si­bil­ity. And I’m big on nur­ture. Any time you need a po­lit­i­cal state­ment or some old fo­geys given a heart at­tack, text me and I’ll be there in a flash – and breast­feed­ing.

Mark Latham here from Vol­canic Vit­riol. Mount Agung’s got noth­ing on me. I say what ev­ery­one else is think­ing – well, the peo­ple who will still sit down and eat a meal and down some drinks with me. Both of them.

Paul Keat­ing here from High and Mighty Con­sult­ing. I teach the creative use of scorn in pol­i­tics, life and ev­ery­thing else. My key course is on why ev­ery­one should be more like me. Not that any of you swill could ap­proach that ideal. And here’s Barn­aby:

Thanks Paul, I’m here to help ev­ery­one with plan­ning. First off, get rid of it. Knee jerks beat thoughts. Takes me two sec­onds to make a smart de­ci­sion. Just look at mov­ing the APVMA to my elec­torate with in­stant of­fice ac­com­mo­da­tion at Mac­cas.

An­other way I show ini­tia­tive is as soon as the wheels on Mal­colm’s plane leave the tar­mac on his way out of the coun­try you’ll find me in there mak­ing de­ci­sions, an­nounce­ments and more. I get things re­ally fly­ing – usu­ally when it all hits the fan.

And it’s Ju­lia wrap­ping up. I’m here to help oth­ers be­cause af­ter a life in pol­i­tics you can re­deem your­self with a life of com­mu­nity ser­vice. I’m at Beyondblue and be­yond pol­i­tics. And I don’t get any knives stuck in me. And that’s a ruddy re­lief.

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