The silent sabo­teur of in­ti­mate re­la­tion­ships

The way you make love can af­fect your emo­tional health; is it time to change the way you do it?

Living Now - - Love & Sex - By Janet Mcgeever

Pic­ture this: you’ve just made love. You’re feel­ing good. Things feel sunny in your world. Then your part­ner has a lit­tle dig at you. Or seems to be ig­nor­ing you. Just a lit­tle com­ment that sends a few clouds over your heart. You re­act, and then, be­fore too long, you are both get­ting emo­tional.

Wait a minute! You just made love! How can this be hap­pen­ing? One minute you felt like the world was beau­ti­ful, the next, you feel lonely, iso­lated, and dis­tant.

This sce­nario can en­ter a cou­ple’s world for no ap­par­ent rea­son at all. It seems in­com­pre­hen­si­ble that, if you just spent beau­ti­ful in­ti­mate time to­gether, the ex­act op­po­site could be hap­pen­ing just min­utes later! (Some­times it’s hours later, or some­times the next day.)

This is all too com­mon in many re­la­tion­ships. If you re­ally bring aware­ness to the pat­terns of be­hav­iour af­ter mak­ing love, you might even start ob­serv­ing it in your­self. It might be a feel­ing of un­rest, of be­ing on edge, or feel­ing lonely and dis­tant.

If so, there may be a silent sabo­teur at play here. The way we make love can have a pro­found in­flu­ence on our emo­tional world.

Who would have thought that how you made love just a few days ago could be ac­tu­ally spark­ing this un­rest within and between you?

Barry Long, an Aus­tralian spir­i­tual mas­ter, termed con­ven­tional sex as ‘emo­tional sex’. In con­ven­tional sex, high lev­els of ex­cite­ment, sen­sa­tion and phys­i­cal ten­sion force the re­lease and dis­charge of the en­ergy down­wards. Many spir­i­tual masters say that when en­ergy is moved down­ward in the body in dis­charge, ten­sion is the by-prod­uct. In­stead, if en­ergy is al­lowed the time and space to move up­wards, without force, as in tantric-style prac­tice based on re­lax­ation, the re­sult is si­lence, con­tent­ment, and joy.

The by-prod­uct of build­ing up a high charge of ex­cite­ment is that ul­ti­mately ten­sion, or a charge, is pro­duced and de­posited into the body sys­tem. The body is al­ways try­ing to come to bal­ance; so, later on, this ‘charge’ needs to be re­leased one way or an­other, and even­tu­ally may ap­pear in the form of emo­tions.

You might have a feel­ing of sep­a­ra­tion and lone­li­ness. Many peo­ple in our re­treats deny these feel­ings when they hear about this, but then, when they be­gin to ob­serve in de­tail how they re­ally feel af­ter the usual dis­charge of ten­sion, many re­port ex­actly that – sep­a­ra­tion, ag­i­ta­tion, edgi­ness. Cit­ing a grow­ing body of re­search, Cupid’s Poi­soned Ar­row author Mar­nia Robin­son points out that the ef­fects of or­gasm can linger for as long as two weeks, colour­ing emo­tions, pro­jec­tions and pri­or­i­ties.

With con­tin­u­ous, repet­i­tive high-level ex­cite­ment with peak and dis­charge style sex, there is a con­tin­ual rise and fall of dopamine, the ‘happy’ hor­mone or re­ward hor­mone, which can cause some­thing like a ‘han­gover’. It’s the same chem­i­cal that goes off in the brain when tak­ing heroin, and the same hor­mone that causes ad­dic­tion. The more we have, the more we want – and the same goes for or­gasm.

To avoid this con­se­quence, it helps to make love in re­lax­ation, avoid­ing the build-up of ten­sion. This nat­u­rally al­lows the en­ergy to be re­cir­cu­lated through­out the body sys­tem, bring­ing more bal­ance to your emo­tional world.

Bring mind­ful­ness to how you make love and you will nat­u­rally cre­ate the en­vi­ron­ment for the en­ergy to rise, and en­joy more har­mony and bal­ance in your life and re­la­tion­ship. n

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