Let­ting go of love

“There has been no fail­ure – sim­ply a learn­ing ex­pe­ri­ence for the soul.”

Living Now - - Contents - by Glenda La­maro

Breakups are not fail­ures – they are sim­ply a learn­ing ex­pe­ri­ence for the soul.

It’s only nat­u­ral to want to be loved. We all want to have a sense of be­long­ing. Fall­ing in love is one of the most amaz­ing feel­ings that we will ever ex­pe­ri­ence. There is noth­ing quite like meet­ing some­one spe­cial. From the mo­ment we feel that at­trac­tion it brings an en­ergy that is al­most in­de­scrib­able. The heart opens up like a flower and there is light­ness in all we do. Our thoughts be­come fil­tered through rose-coloured glasses. Our world looks softer and some­how things that would nor­mally bother us don’t seem to mat­ter as much. Our en­ergy up­lifted, we have a new pri­or­ity, the sig­nif­i­cant other. Our emo­tions are in a height­ened state to­gether with our cu­rios­ity and ex­pec­ta­tions. Day­dream­ing seems to take over our logic. Yes, we are smit­ten.

We can’t wait un­til we see or hear from them again. When the phone sounds our heart races as we look with hope that it is ‘ the one’. It can be hard to con­cen­trate on mun­dane things when it feels so much nicer to fan­ta­sise about fu­ture pos­si­bil­i­ties. The sound of their voice, they way they look at us stirs emo­tions within. Then comes the first touch and the elec­tric­ity is ex­changed be­tween two who then long to be­come one. It is fun to share in­for­ma­tion and find out about each other. Songs on the ra­dio echo our inner feel­ings as if they truly un­der­stand. We feel alive and in love.

Time passes and the re­la­tion­ship grows. We have in­ti­macy and a best friend all rolled into one. We have laughed and cried to­gether, fallen in and out with each other, and come to­gether again with new un­der­stand­ing.

We ac­cept cir­cum­stances, habits, and other points of view be­cause all the other things on of­fer make us con­tent. We re­ally don’t want to let go of our at­tach­ment, truly be­liev­ing that this other per­son un­der­stands us and makes us feel like no other has be­fore. We have reached a level of com­fort and have planned a fu­ture to­gether.


Then, some­how it all changes and be­comes dis­cor­dant. Un­for­tu­nately, in our hap­pi­ness be­ing de­pen­dent on a per­son or a thing, we have de­pended on a con­di­tion, and con­di­tions change. Con­di­tional hap­pi­ness is not hap­pi­ness. It is a deal.

New learn­ing for the soul must oc­cur so that ev­ery break-up can sig­nify a new learn­ing pe­riod for both part­ners. If we un­der­stood this, re­la­tion­ships would be eas­ier to move on from.

When we don’t see the end of a re­la­tion­ship as learn­ing for the soul, we are more likely to see it as a fail­ure and want to hold onto it, to save face. It is part of our con­di­tion­ing to seek out a part­ner and live hap­pily ever af­ter.

Our so­ci­ety is built on the no­tion that hav­ing one long-term re­la­tion­ship de­notes some kind of sta­bil­ity and any­thing less than that is treated with sus­pi­cion. Ev­ery­one is look­ing for the one to not only feel ful­filled but to repli­cate the con­di­tion­ing that we are bom­barded with from an early age. Like Cin­derella, we yearn for the prince. Ev­ery­one wants to find love but not ev­ery­body does.

Learn­ing for our soul jour­ney does not fol­low con­ven­tional ideas. It may re­quire nu­mer­ous re­la­tion­ships for our souls’ lessons to be taught, as we all learn in our own time. Un­der­stand­ing this con­cept is nec­es­sary to de­velop a com­pre­hen­sion that lov­ing our­self is a pre­req­ui­site to lov­ing an­other un­con­di­tion­ally. Ev­ery­thing else is make­be­lieve, de­cep­tion. If we truly loved our part­ner, we would wish them to be happy with or without us, what­ever that in­volves.


Con­di­tional hap­pi­ness is not true hap­pi­ness; it is a deal where one part­ner may sug­gest the other stays and en­forces this through guilt and obli­ga­tion. Of­ten one per­son is un­able to let go. Never want­ing to feel alone in their un­hap­pi­ness, they do their best to emo­tion­ally ma­nip­u­late and trans­fer the sor­row to their flee­ing part­ner. This in fact is how emo­tional bag­gage is cre­ated. It can be an­chored to both part­ners and car­ried into all fu­ture re­la­tion­ships, hav­ing sig­nif­i­cant im­pact as it com­pounds. Let­ting go of con­di­tional love, and learn­ing to love your­self is a surer way to find the lov­ing re­la­tion­ship that you are look­ing for.

A per­son at­tached to an­other iden­ti­fies their hap­pi­ness with that per­son, mean­ing they project the cause of their hap­pi­ness out­side of them­selves. This al­ways in­di­cates a lack of self-worth and self-love; two of the most im­por­tant things to be nur­tured in ev­ery per­son. It is not that true per­cep­tion is ig­no­rant of at­tach­ment; the dif­fer­ence is that its hap­pi­ness does not de­pend on any one per­son or con­di­tion.

When let­ting go can be seen as a gift to the de­vel­op­ment of the soul of an­other, we will know we have ar­rived in a place of self-love. This place of self­love will en­able us to stand alone and re­joice in the ex­pe­ri­ence that we have had, know­ing that it was an op­por­tu­nity to learn, grow and evolve for both part­ners. There has been no fail­ure, sim­ply a learn­ing ex­pe­ri­ence for the soul. ■

Bud­dha said, in the end these things mat­ter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you learn to let go?

Con­nect with other read­ers & com­ment on this ar­ti­cle at www.liv­ing­now.com.au

Glenda is a chil­dren’s book au­thor, coun­sel­lor, NLP/ hyp­nother­apy prac­ti­tioner and med­i­ta­tion teacher. She has been med­i­tat­ing for over 30 years, and en­joys writ­ing to help oth­ers gain a more spir­i­tual as­pect to this life ex­pe­ri­ence.

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