PETER BERNER

The vet­eran Aussie co­me­dian ful­mi­nates on “Chop­sticks”, mesh sin­glets and the neigh­bour’s bloody dog.

Men's Style (Australia) - - Buyer Be Wear - In­ter­view by MICHAEL ADAMS

I’m hap­pi­est… when the neigh­bour’s dog stops bark­ing. I can’t un­der­stand peo­ple who go out and let the dog bark for hours and hours and hours. Why have a dog? What’s the point? I’d like to get every ar­se­hole neigh­bour on the planet to­gether and put them on one street. My dark­est moods are caused by… I don’t know what caused it but it’s about 42 years old now. What keeps me awake at night is… what I have to do to ‘trend’ on so­cial me­dia be­cause I’m never go­ing to trend and that both­ers me. Drug mul­ing seems to be trend­ing. I’m not go­ing to do that. Do peo­ple trend for be­ing ad­e­quate? I have to get #ad­e­quacy trend­ing. My spirit an­i­mal is… vodka. What makes me laugh loud­est is… More­combe and Wise. I grew up on that stuff and it kills me. I love it. The most un­der­rated ex­pe­ri­ence must be… hav­ing every de­vice that you owned fully charged. The best time of day is… be­fore any­one else wakes up, which in my house­hold is about 5.30am. Good health is… some­thing there is an app for now, which is fan­tas­tic. I haven’t down­loaded the app, so my health is atro­cious. My he­roes have al­ways been… car­toon char­ac­ters. Bugs Bunny, Mighty Mouse, G-force. They’re noble. And they live in a world where the neigh­bour’s dog doesn’t bark. When I was young I wished… some­one would write lyrics to “Chop­sticks”. It both­ered me for a long time. I’ve given it a crack a cou­ple of times – it’s harder than it sounds. As a teenager I spent way too much time… check­ing my watch to see when teenager­ing would be fin­ished. I wasn’t a good teenager. I was born to be a cur­mud­geonly old man. I knew I was fi­nally a man when… I first stopped a ceil­ing fan with my face. Aus­tralian pol­i­tics needs… a per­fume re­leased in its hon­our. Some­thing pro­ce­dural and dull that smells like a train timetable. I wish more Aussies would… pro­nounce the “L” in Aus­tralia. It’s there for a rea­son. Use it or some gov­ern­ment will take it away from us in the fu­ture. My best qual­ity has to be… guess­ing peo­ple’s weight cor­rectly. It’s in­nate. I don’t try to un­der­stand it. If I could change any­thing about my­self it’d be… most of it. I’m a prod­uct re­call like a Sam­sung Galaxy 7. I ex­plode un­ex­pect­edly. That’s my prob­lem. The book that I wish ev­ery­one would read is… the one I’ve just writ­ten. I would be very rich. It’s called The Book Of They. If I had to be played by an ac­tor in a biopic I’d want it to be… me. I could do with the work. I don’t think any­one can catch the essence of me. But it’d be a wooden per­for­mance. A ta­ble or chair could play me. If a song played when­ever I walked in the room it’d be… “Chop­sticks”. True style is… all about breath­able fab­rics. You’ll never catch me wear­ing… any­thing sheer. I need solid, opaque cloth­ing. No mesh sin­glets. No Right Said Fred-wear. But if I looked like him I would. Fam­ily is… not just peo­ple you used to live with. They are pro­foundly im­por­tant and they give you con­text. They can also give you an al­ibi if you need one. Love means… I don’t know. I was told as a child in a com­mer­cial that “Love means hav­ing a dry bot­tom.” I think there has to be more than that. Love means com­mit­ment. And prob­a­bly a dry bot­tom. That did stick with me. Life is too short to… learn ev­ery­thing you need to know. My epi­taph will be… gram­mat­i­cally in­cor­rect. What­ever it is there’ll be a comma that didn’t need to be there. That ac­tu­ally sums it up: “Peter Berner was a comma that didn’t need to be here.”

‘I wasn’t a good teenager. I was born to be a cur­mud­geonly old man.’

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