Is your body beach ready? Check our list
SUMMER is fast approaching, so – in the parlance of magazines everywhere – is your body “beach ready”?
Not sure? Then take our multi-step self-help quiz!
Are your biceps bulky enough to carry enormous bags of your family’s seaside gear the miles from where you finally jagged a carpark spot, to the sand?
Are your bare feet sufficiently hardened to withstand 100-degree bitumen for the dash back across the road to grab everyone’s forgotten thongs?
Is your skin so impervious to Australia’s punishing UV index that you can apply sunscreen to all the kids before you get to your own without being fried? (Top tip! It isn’t, so slap it on everyone in the sweet, sweet shade before you leave home).
Has every visible errant hair on your body been removed so your tween and teen offspring don’t literally die of embarrassment due to their parent the yeti?
And have you successfully resisted the annual urge to buy a swimsuit that has one of those little skirts attached?
Is your vision certified at 20/20, and has one of your eyes been surgically relocated to the back of your head so you can simultaneously supervise your children in the sea and playing in the dunes behind you?
Is your poor, aged back up to the task of lifting little nippers over knee-high waves again and again and again and again and again and again and again?
Are you psychologically fit to be buried up to your neck in sand, and possibly left there while the others go swimming, without freaking out?
Are you emotionally prepared to be interrupted every 30 seconds after you start reading your beach book, so that you will re-read page three over and over but never get to page five?
Are you a right-hander or a lefty? This is important information for the beach cricket you will be forced to eventually give up your novel for.
Have your sensitive teeth been capped in order to withstand eating hot chips for lunch immediately followed by an iceblock?
While we’re on prosthetics, are your hands fitted with cattle-prod attachments for warding off seagull and ibis picnic attacks?
And are your elbows extra specially sharp for putting seaside kiosk queuejumpers back in their place?
How’s your lung capacity? How many times can you bellow “FIVE MINUTES!” at your heedless kids in the surf before passing out?
Finally, is your brain functioning at Mensa level so you can figure out how to fold up and put away the beach shelter at the end of the day?
If you ticked everything off our checklist, congratulations, you’re beach body ready!
If not, you’ve got six weeks to shape up. So get cracking.
Are your bare feet hardened to withstand 100-degree bitumen for the dash across the road