Is your body beach ready? Check our list

Mt Druitt - St Mary's Standard (East) - - NEWS - mi­randa mur­phy

SUM­MER is fast ap­proach­ing, so – in the par­lance of mag­a­zines ev­ery­where – is your body “beach ready”?

Not sure? Then take our multi-step self-help quiz!

Are your bi­ceps bulky enough to carry enor­mous bags of your fam­ily’s sea­side gear the miles from where you fi­nally jagged a carpark spot, to the sand?

Are your bare feet suf­fi­ciently hard­ened to with­stand 100-de­gree bi­tu­men for the dash back across the road to grab ev­ery­one’s for­got­ten thongs?

Is your skin so im­per­vi­ous to Aus­tralia’s pun­ish­ing UV in­dex that you can ap­ply sun­screen to all the kids be­fore you get to your own with­out be­ing fried? (Top tip! It isn’t, so slap it on ev­ery­one in the sweet, sweet shade be­fore you leave home).

Has every vis­i­ble er­rant hair on your body been re­moved so your tween and teen off­spring don’t lit­er­ally die of em­bar­rass­ment due to their par­ent the yeti?

And have you suc­cess­fully re­sisted the an­nual urge to buy a swim­suit that has one of those lit­tle skirts at­tached?

Is your vi­sion cer­ti­fied at 20/20, and has one of your eyes been sur­gi­cally re­lo­cated to the back of your head so you can si­mul­ta­ne­ously su­per­vise your chil­dren in the sea and play­ing in the dunes be­hind you?

Is your poor, aged back up to the task of lift­ing lit­tle nip­pers over knee-high waves again and again and again and again and again and again and again?

Are you psy­cho­log­i­cally fit to be buried up to your neck in sand, and pos­si­bly left there while the oth­ers go swim­ming, with­out freak­ing out?

Are you emo­tion­ally pre­pared to be in­ter­rupted every 30 sec­onds af­ter you start read­ing your beach book, so that you will re-read page three over and over but never get to page five?

Are you a right-han­der or a lefty? This is im­por­tant in­for­ma­tion for the beach cricket you will be forced to even­tu­ally give up your novel for.

Have your sen­si­tive teeth been capped in or­der to with­stand eat­ing hot chips for lunch im­me­di­ately fol­lowed by an ice­block?

While we’re on pros­thet­ics, are your hands fit­ted with cat­tle-prod at­tach­ments for ward­ing off seag­ull and ibis pic­nic at­tacks?

And are your el­bows ex­tra spe­cially sharp for putting sea­side kiosk queue­jumpers back in their place?

How’s your lung ca­pac­ity? How many times can you bel­low “FIVE MIN­UTES!” at your heed­less kids in the surf be­fore pass­ing out?

Fi­nally, is your brain func­tion­ing at Mensa level so you can fig­ure out how to fold up and put away the beach shel­ter at the end of the day?

If you ticked ev­ery­thing off our check­list, con­grat­u­la­tions, you’re beach body ready!

If not, you’ve got six weeks to shape up. So get crack­ing.

Are your bare feet hard­ened to with­stand 100-de­gree bi­tu­men for the dash across the road

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