Al­li­son Dubois

Adult chil­dren need to be able to sup­port them­selves, says Al­li­son

New Idea - - New Destiny - HAVE A QUES­TION FOR AL­LI­SON? Email des­tiny@newidea.com.au

QIt’s been tough lately, as I have been wor­ry­ing about our daugh­ter and her chil­dren af­ter the break up of her mar­riage. The stress from years of her be­ing with her hus­band and now the fi­nan­cial bur­den on us is quite drain­ing for both my hus­band and I. Will things get bet­ter be­fore our health and money are gone?

AEve­lyn, via email Eve­lyn, lov­ing moth­ers have to learn where to draw the line fi­nan­cially with their adult kids. She picked her hus­band, not you, so stop clean­ing up her mess.

We can be there for our chil­dren with­out crip­pling our­selves. Noth­ing is go­ing to mag­i­cally get bet­ter with­out you chang­ing what you’re do­ing.

Your daugh­ter is a grown woman - and sin­gle women care for their chil­dren all the time, with­out their par­ents sup­port­ing them. Your daugh­ter needs to make a ca­reer plan.

Your health will im­prove when you cut the money strings. There are two kinds of peo­ple, those who own their mis­takes and don’t play the vic­tim, and peo­ple who make a life­long art form out of be­ing a vic­tim.

QI lost both of my grand­moth­ers at the be­gin­ning of this year ex­actly a month apart. I miss them both. Are they OK and happy?

El­iz­a­beth, via email El­iz­a­beth, when peo­ple pass away they re­vert to the age they were the hap­pi­est, so yes, your grand­moth­ers are happy.

Our grand­moth­ers teach us so many won­der­ful things in life, they make our hearts feel light.

They are spe­cial peo­ple and we carry them with us long af­ter they leave this world.

Think of all of the peo­ple they’ve been re­united with, all of the peo­ple through­out their lives whose fu­ner­als they cried at when they said good­bye. Re­mem­ber the lessons your grand­moth­ers taught you.

You’re a part of them and they will never leave you.

QDad passed away 12 years ago and my mother a year ago. Her last four years were spent in a nurs­ing home, and even though I tried to make sure she was well cared for, I still feel guilty I didn’t do enough and feel she isn’t happy with me. In this time she had four great­grand­chil­dren born and hope she en­joyed their vis­its as fam­ily meant a lot to her.

Anna, via email

AAnna, it’s com­mon that peo­ple of­ten need mul­ti­ple care­givers or around-the-clock care. Please don’t be so hard on your­self.

I’ve never brought a per­son through, who was an­gry that their fam­ily needed to get ad­di­tional care for them in their twi­light years. On the con­trary, they of­ten say, ‘Don’t be so hard on your­self be­cause you couldn’t be there more for me at the end. You had your own life, a fam­ily who needed you, and I know you love me. I’m to­tally fine.’

Many times the dy­ing can’t com­mu­ni­cate with us and they’re fo­cused on their de­ceased loved ones who are start­ing to step for­ward to re­ceive them.

Our dy­ing loved ones are never alone; they’re ei­ther with fam­ily hold­ing their hand, or they’re be­ing en­veloped by those who they loved and lost.

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