Allison Dubois

Adult children need to be able to support themselves, says Allison

QIt’s been tough lately, as I have been worrying about our daughter and her children after the break up of her marriage. The stress from years of her being with her husband and now the financial burden on us is quite draining for both my husband and I. Will things get better before our health and money are gone?

AEvelyn, via email Evelyn, loving mothers have to learn where to draw the line financially with their adult kids. She picked her husband, not you, so stop cleaning up her mess.

We can be there for our children without crippling ourselves. Nothing is going to magically get better without you changing what you’re doing.

Your daughter is a grown woman - and single women care for their children all the time, without their parents supporting them. Your daughter needs to make a career plan.

Your health will improve when you cut the money strings. There are two kinds of people, those who own their mistakes and don’t play the victim, and people who make a lifelong art form out of being a victim.

QI lost both of my grandmothers at the beginning of this year exactly a month apart. I miss them both. Are they OK and happy?

Elizabeth, via email Elizabeth, when people pass away they revert to the age they were the happiest, so yes, your grandmothers are happy.

Our grandmothers teach us so many wonderful things in life, they make our hearts feel light.

They are special people and we carry them with us long after they leave this world.

Think of all of the people they’ve been reunited with, all of the people throughout their lives whose funerals they cried at when they said goodbye. Remember the lessons your grandmothers taught you.

You’re a part of them and they will never leave you.

QDad passed away 12 years ago and my mother a year ago. Her last four years were spent in a nursing home, and even though I tried to make sure she was well cared for, I still feel guilty I didn’t do enough and feel she isn’t happy with me. In this time she had four greatgrandchildren born and hope she enjoyed their visits as family meant a lot to her.

Anna, via email

AAnna, it’s common that people often need multiple caregivers or around-the-clock care. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

I’ve never brought a person through, who was angry that their family needed to get additional care for them in their twilight years. On the contrary, they often say, ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself because you couldn’t be there more for me at the end. You had your own life, a family who needed you, and I know you love me. I’m totally fine.’

Many times the dying can’t communicate with us and they’re focused on their deceased loved ones who are starting to step forward to receive them.

Our dying loved ones are never alone; they’re either with family holding their hand, or they’re being enveloped by those who they loved and lost.