BANES OF THE HIGHWAY
It’s an annual northerly migration – 4WDs hauling caravans driven by people with too much time on their hands. Scotty Douglas lets it rip
WHAT IS it about spending a couple of days on the Bruce Highway that leaves you feeling like you’ve had a prolonged religious relationship with the wrong end of a pineapple?
Caravans and motorhomes … that’s right, I said it. Can you think of a more selfish/entitled way to inconvenience every other road user? I bloody well can’t!
Roadworks are inconvenient, but you put up with them because they’re fixing the roads. I’m sure plenty of people find trucks on the road inconvenient. But at least they’re doing something useful, like delivering stuff that people need.
Cyclists get cranky, but they have some skin in the game. You can’t blame them for not wanting to get squashed. And they certainly don’t clog up highways for kilometres at a stretch.
RVs, on the other hand, are generally driven by mean-spiritedselfish-entitled morons with no regard for anyone but themselves. Let’s follow the RV mindset: Family member 1:“I like camping”. Family member 2: “I hate camping, I hate crapping in a hole and going without a shower, and I hate beasties that bite.”
Family member 1: “But it’s a great way to see Australia and experience the bush.”
Family member 2: “I don’t care. I’m not spending my holidays living like a homeless person.”
Family member 1: “What if we got a caravan or camper?” “You could have all the comforts you want then!”
Family member 2: “Oh, okay then, as long as I can have a shower and a proper toilet and a big screen TV.”
For f***’s sake, do the rest of us a favour and stay the home with the barbecue and Netflix and leave the rest of us to do our job!
I’ve heard every argument under the sun. “I’ve got a tow vehicle that will easily pull a van at the speed limit.”
Yeah? Well you f***ing don’t, do you, because at that speed your tow rig sucks down too much fuel.
So instead you determinedly sit on 80-90km/h with your badly loaded wobble box (you need a genny to power the TV and hot water, remember) with a whole line of traffic snaking along behind you as you selfishly haul your house to the next destination without any regard for anyone else.
You call that a holiday? I’d rather staple my nuts to a meth-affected ferret (don’t Google that, it’s ugly) than wobble along feeling all that bad karma radiating through the cosmos aimed directly at me and my loved ones.
Funnily enough, Mr and Mrs Fuel-efficient RV drivers always seem to find an extra 20km/h underfoot on an overtaking lane.
It’s funny how they can manage that but can’t manage to maintain a constant f***ing speed, though.
I do the right thing, I creep up then back off, give them enough room, don’t be menacing or intimidating. I look in my mirrors and see a line of traffic stretching out for a kilometre.
Of course when we do get to a three-laner I flick on the indicator and go out and about only to find you’ve put the foot down. You then leave me hanging in the breeze with a line of traffic behind me.
Then everyone has the shits with me because I didn’t let them around the RV!
I’ll be thinking of you kindly as I’m trolley jacking produce out of the back of a fridge pan at the markets at 2am. Yeah, that’s the load of food that you’ll be picking over at the supermarket as you stock up for the next pseudo camping trip. But please, don’t thank me.
I have to take my hat off to Rod Hannifey and his efforts to improve relations with the vanning community. In the world of caravan/ truck relations, Rod is Nelson Mandela, and I’m the little furry bloke from The Muppet Show that randomly blows shit up.
Come the revolution the second thing that I’ll be doing is killing all RVs with fire.
The Abbott government saw fit to kill off the Australian automotive industry. I’ll kill off the RV industry, or at the very least raise rego charges to the level they should be given the negative effect they have on productivity. Has anyone even done the sums?
Given the amount of road congestion they cause and their vehicle footprint, maybe vanners should pay truck levels of rego? That’ll learn ’em.
My first task post revolution? That’s easy: build a wall along the Murray River and make the Victorians pay for it.
It could be argued that these selfentitled highway wastrels actually give back to the economy.
I’d argue that they’re all camped around the back of the local pony club stealing their water and power. Or maybe taking up truck parking space on the side of a highway somewhere.
RV-Friendly Town equals lastditch effort of dying town to retain its postcode. It’s actually a furphy and vanners will haggle over the price of a packet of biscuits and then complain about the sandwiches.
But at least they can conveniently empty their chemical dunny down the drain, eh?
Want to keep your charming little hamlet alive? There’s something else that may help, it’s called fracking. Just don’t drink the water.
Vanners, please stop trying to make everyone else on the road around you pay the price for your privilege and lifestyle, you bunch of sanctimonious house-hauling bastards!
Oh, and while you’re at it, adjust your bloody headlights!
Strangely, I now feel the need for a pineapple smoothie.
“They’re all camped around the back of the local pony club stealing their water and power”