BANES OF THE HIGH­WAY

It’s an an­nual northerly mi­gra­tion – 4WDs haul­ing car­a­vans driven by peo­ple with too much time on their hands. Scotty Dou­glas lets it rip

Owner Driver - - News -

WHAT IS it about spend­ing a couple of days on the Bruce High­way that leaves you feel­ing like you’ve had a pro­longed re­li­gious re­la­tion­ship with the wrong end of a pineap­ple?

Car­a­vans and mo­torhomes … that’s right, I said it. Can you think of a more self­ish/en­ti­tled way to in­con­ve­nience ev­ery other road user? I bloody well can’t!

Road­works are in­con­ve­nient, but you put up with them be­cause they’re fix­ing the roads. I’m sure plenty of peo­ple find trucks on the road in­con­ve­nient. But at least they’re do­ing some­thing use­ful, like de­liv­er­ing stuff that peo­ple need.

Cy­clists get cranky, but they have some skin in the game. You can’t blame them for not want­ing to get squashed. And they cer­tainly don’t clog up high­ways for kilo­me­tres at a stretch.

RVs, on the other hand, are gen­er­ally driven by mean-spirit­ed­selfish-en­ti­tled morons with no re­gard for any­one but them­selves. Let’s fol­low the RV mind­set: Fam­ily mem­ber 1:“I like camp­ing”. Fam­ily mem­ber 2: “I hate camp­ing, I hate crap­ping in a hole and go­ing with­out a shower, and I hate beast­ies that bite.”

Fam­ily mem­ber 1: “But it’s a great way to see Aus­tralia and ex­pe­ri­ence the bush.”

Fam­ily mem­ber 2: “I don’t care. I’m not spend­ing my hol­i­days liv­ing like a home­less per­son.”

Fam­ily mem­ber 1: “What if we got a car­a­van or camper?” “You could have all the com­forts you want then!”

Fam­ily mem­ber 2: “Oh, okay then, as long as I can have a shower and a proper toi­let and a big screen TV.”

For f***’s sake, do the rest of us a favour and stay the home with the bar­be­cue and Net­flix and leave the rest of us to do our job!

I’ve heard ev­ery ar­gu­ment un­der the sun. “I’ve got a tow ve­hi­cle that will eas­ily pull a van at the speed limit.”

Yeah? Well you f***ing don’t, do you, be­cause at that speed your tow rig sucks down too much fuel.

So in­stead you de­ter­minedly sit on 80-90km/h with your badly loaded wob­ble box (you need a genny to power the TV and hot wa­ter, re­mem­ber) with a whole line of traf­fic snaking along be­hind you as you self­ishly haul your house to the next des­ti­na­tion with­out any re­gard for any­one else.

You call that a hol­i­day? I’d rather sta­ple my nuts to a meth-af­fected fer­ret (don’t Google that, it’s ugly) than wob­ble along feel­ing all that bad karma ra­di­at­ing through the cos­mos aimed di­rectly at me and my loved ones.

Fun­nily enough, Mr and Mrs Fuel-ef­fi­cient RV driv­ers al­ways seem to find an ex­tra 20km/h un­der­foot on an over­tak­ing lane.

It’s funny how they can man­age that but can’t man­age to main­tain a con­stant f***ing speed, though.

I do the right thing, I creep up then back off, give them enough room, don’t be men­ac­ing or in­tim­i­dat­ing. I look in my mir­rors and see a line of traf­fic stretch­ing out for a kilo­me­tre.

Of course when we do get to a three-laner I flick on the in­di­ca­tor and go out and about only to find you’ve put the foot down. You then leave me hang­ing in the breeze with a line of traf­fic be­hind me.

Then ev­ery­one has the shits with me be­cause I didn’t let them around the RV!

I’ll be think­ing of you kindly as I’m trol­ley jack­ing pro­duce out of the back of a fridge pan at the mar­kets at 2am. Yeah, that’s the load of food that you’ll be pick­ing over at the su­per­mar­ket as you stock up for the next pseudo camp­ing trip. But please, don’t thank me.

I have to take my hat off to Rod Han­nifey and his ef­forts to im­prove re­la­tions with the van­ning community. In the world of car­a­van/ truck re­la­tions, Rod is Nel­son Man­dela, and I’m the lit­tle furry bloke from The Mup­pet Show that ran­domly blows shit up.

Come the revo­lu­tion the sec­ond thing that I’ll be do­ing is killing all RVs with fire.

The Ab­bott govern­ment saw fit to kill off the Aus­tralian au­to­mo­tive in­dus­try. I’ll kill off the RV in­dus­try, or at the very least raise rego charges to the level they should be given the neg­a­tive ef­fect they have on pro­duc­tiv­ity. Has any­one even done the sums?

HIGHER REGO

Given the amount of road con­ges­tion they cause and their ve­hi­cle foot­print, maybe van­ners should pay truck lev­els of rego? That’ll learn ’em.

My first task post revo­lu­tion? That’s easy: build a wall along the Mur­ray River and make the Vic­to­ri­ans pay for it.

It could be ar­gued that these self­en­ti­tled high­way wastrels ac­tu­ally give back to the econ­omy.

I’d ar­gue that they’re all camped around the back of the lo­cal pony club steal­ing their wa­ter and power. Or maybe tak­ing up truck park­ing space on the side of a high­way some­where.

RV-Friendly Town equals last­ditch ef­fort of dy­ing town to re­tain its post­code. It’s ac­tu­ally a fur­phy and van­ners will hag­gle over the price of a packet of bis­cuits and then com­plain about the sand­wiches.

But at least they can con­ve­niently empty their chem­i­cal dunny down the drain, eh?

Want to keep your charm­ing lit­tle ham­let alive? There’s some­thing else that may help, it’s called frack­ing. Just don’t drink the wa­ter.

Van­ners, please stop try­ing to make ev­ery­one else on the road around you pay the price for your priv­i­lege and life­style, you bunch of sanc­ti­mo­nious house-haul­ing bas­tards!

Oh, and while you’re at it, ad­just your bloody head­lights!

Strangely, I now feel the need for a pineap­ple smoothie.

“They’re all camped around the back of the lo­cal pony club steal­ing their wa­ter and power”

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