Which mythological monster would you take on in a fight?
YOU NEED TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND WHEN IT COMES TO FIGHTING MERMAIDS. AS OPM’S PREMIER MISCHIEF MAKER, I WANT A SHOWDOWN WITH LOKI. I’M CHALLENGING GLOBE-TOTING TITAN ATLAS TO AN EPIC WEIGHTLIFTING COMPETITION. I’M SICK OF SPARKLY NONSENSE – SO UNICORNS, PR
IAN DEAN EDITOR
Part fish and part woman, just what are mermaids? If you are a handsome prince looking for a good time you could choose a drier date – though I guess they’re cheap; a handful of whitebait and a shiny pebble would be fine. Taken one-versus-one mermaids are a pushover – Ariel can be defeated by telling her some bad news (I prepped for battle with a binge of Disney movies). “Eric cheated with Ursula,” should do it. However, like a Fridaynight hen party in Cardiff, when mermaids get together they can cause large ‘scale’ havoc. I’d need to up my game. “Daryl Hannah was better!” That’s a win.
BEN TYRER GAMES EDITOR
First, I’m well aware that my chosen opponent is a god, which might make him a little challenging. But, real talk, he’s also a massive pain thanks to being a shapeshifter. So, that’s his monster credentials established. What about mine, though? Not a day goes by at OPM Towers without the rest of the team describing me as a terror, whether it’s Milf demanding words to stick pictures round, Mim praying for quiet, or Ian rolling his eyes at my puns. I think I’m due a shot at the title of “god of mischief”, and that means taking a pop at the current king. The only problem is, I just need to figure out what form he’s taken…
MILFORD COPPOCK MANAGING ART EDITOR
The rest of Team OPM might think I’m wasting my time pumping iron in the gym when I could be on the PlayStation. They’ll change their tune when I challenge the biggest weightlifter of them all, Atlas, a Titan so mighty he literally has the world on his shoulders, to a test of strength. It’ll be like all your World’s Strongest Man Christmases at once. I’ll never match him, you say? That’s the cunning part of my plan: he’s already weighed down and has his hands full, so I’ve got an advantage there. And even if I can’t beat him, I might well scare the three herberts in the office into shutting up for a bit.
MIRIAM MCDONALD OPERATIONS EDITOR
There are bigger, badder beasts to pick from, so the unicorn might look like an odd choice here. I’ve got nothing against the idea of horses with horns per se. The old medieval variant was pretty kickass, actually, it was a ferocious, almost untameable beast. The modern version, on the other hand, floating against pink clouds, wrapped in rainbows and plastered with glitter… that’s just nauseating. You don’t see Medusa on pencil cases, or twee pastel posters featuring a cyclops and the slogan ‘Believe in yourself’, do you? Poor old unicorns. I’d be doing them a favour putting them out of their bespangled misery.