Debbie the Soccer Mum goes to work every Monday exhausted by the weekend’s relentless round of sporting engagements with her young brood. Futsal, apparently, is a maelstrom of parental rage as over-excited mums regale their kids, the coaches, the birds and the trees, the grass – everything in earshot – with their kind advice on how to play the game. At full volume. It puts Coconut in mind of a joke he heard recently. A soccer mum is making breakfast, eggs, bacon, toast. Off to the side is 10-year-old Tom, who won’t stop giving advice about how to fry the eggs and bacon. It went on and on. “You don’t know to cook eggs, why are you doing them that way?” And so on, and so on. “Listen,” said the fed up mum eventually, “I actually do know what I’m doing,” she says. “I’ve been cooking eggs for years.” “Yeah,” says junior, “I’ve been playing soccer for years, so from now on don’t say anything when I’m on the field.” and asked if his had names. Yes, they do, Stir-fry, Barbecue and Roast… The farmer’s grandchildren are horrified and call him regularly checking the numbers.