TOP TEN - THE WORST MOVIES EVER MADE
QT Magazine editor Darren Hallesy forced himself to endure these absolute shockers on DVD and will be asking for a pay rise, as compiling this article left him mentally scarred for life.
HOW many times have you gone to the movies over your lifetime and walked out of the cinema thinking “I should ask for my money back”?
These days with movies coming out every single Thursday and a public packing out Ipswich’s four cinema complexes, thanks to reviews and online comments it’s rare that you’ll find a dud.
But for every Godfather, Titanic and Lord of the Rings, there’s dozens of duds to fill the cinemas, and we’ve scoured the archives to put together the definitive collection of shockers.
Feel free to visit the QT Facebook page and give us your opinions. Let’s face it, we all have that one movie that haunts us to this day.
10. Batman & Robin (1997)
At the time, putting George Clooney in the batsuit seemed like a good idea. That was until you saw the nipple studs. How can you take anyone seriously in a nipple-studded suit? Then put Robin and Batgirl in a masquerade mask (which somehow causes people to not recognise them at all), along with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s overacting, Uma Thurman in a bad wig, and it all added up to a movie that was too painful to watch from start to finish.
With lines like “You’re not sending ME to the cooler!” is it any wonder this bombed?
9. The Love Guru (2008)
Can this be the same man responsible for Austin Powers? With a script that even the Carry On movies would have rejected, this politically incorrect “comedy” was so puerile, childish and insanely unfunny you wonder how it ever got the green light. To see Oscar winner Ben Kingsley crossing his eyes and introducing himself as a character called Guru Tugginmypudha, (yup, you read that right) makes you wonder how much he was getting paid to make this garbage.
8. Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
There’s movies that are called “black” comedy, and then there’s just poor, poor taste. Freddy Got Fingered was beyond both. Written by and starring comic Tom Green (who is more famous for being married to Drew Barrymore for a short time), the movie was panned by critics and avoided by audiences. Puerile, gross, offensive and disgusting are just some of the words used to describe this “comedy”. If you can get through 30 minutes of it without being grossed out, seek medical advice.
7. Jaws: The Revenge (1997)
Ignoring pretty much all the previous movies and taking the laws of nature into a toilet and flushing them away, Michael Caine to this day admits he only did this dud for the money. Apart from the fact we are supposed to believe a shark has followed a family half way around the world to the Bahamas (where the water is warm, not cold as Great Whites prefer it), the climax involved a shark roaring (a physical impossibility), along with the finned toothy git somehow propelling itself out of the water like a jet ski before exploding, leaving anyone who saw it in fits of laughter.
6. Jack and Jill (2011)
There was a time when Adam Sandler made good movies. Click, Billy Madison, Bulletproof and the cult favourite Happy Gilmore were all fun to watch. Sadly though, the laughs have dried up for Sandler with duds like Little Nicky, Pixels, Big Daddy and Zohan. Worst of all was Jack and Jill in 2011 which featured Sandler playing two roles, that of male and female twins. Jack & Jill was panned by critics and broke the record for most Razzie* wins, with 10 wins.
*The Razzies are given the night before the Oscars, celebrating the worst cinema had to offer over the last year. The previous record holder was the movie that sits at No.2 on this list.
5. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
This was not how we wanted to remember Christopher Reeve, who was an intelligent humanitarian that made the Superman role his own in 1979 when the first and second movies were made back to back. The third movie was a shocker, used solely as a vehicle for Richard Pryor, and as producer, Reeve had a hand in this cheaply made final sequel with possibly not only the worst special effects for over a decade, and the lamest fight scene ever filmed starring Superman and his nemesis, wait for it ... “Nuclear Man” played by Mark Pillow. Yup, we’ve never heard of him either. That’s because it was his one and only film role. Reeve described the movie as a “catastrophe from start to finish”. Check out how the director portrayed the United Nations in New York, using an English shopping centre, a hot dog stand and a fire hydrant in the middle of nowhere to convince the audience it was filmed in New York, not Milton Keynes in North London. Oh dear.
4. Mac and Me (1988)
Ever heard the words “cash in”? After the success of E.T. in 1982, Mac and Me pretty much copied the script of Spielberg’s masterpiece as a child befriends an alien. At least E.T. looked convincing. The alien in Mac and Me was a pathetic puppet with a face like a half-chewed toffee, and putting the lead character in a wheelchair just made it even more cringe-worthy. Featuring Ronald McDonald himself introducing the trailer, McDonald’s had a profit-sharing scheme with the studio, but as it was a total disaster at the box office, poor old Ronald had to keep selling burgers. Go on YouTube and watch the trailer. It’s awful, just awful.
3. Highlander 2: The Quickening (1991)
The original Highlander in 1986 to this day remains a cult classic. With Sean Connery and Christopher Lambert battling swords throughout time along with a Queen soundtrack, what’s not to like? Then along came a sequel five years later that made no sense as it reversed everything the first movie had to say, and forced the director and stars to make the movie under contractual obligation, hence their tottally wooden performances. Highlander 2 was without doubt one of the worst sequels ever made and haunts anyone who paid money to see it in 1991.
2. Battlefield Earth (2000)
There was a time when John Travolta was box office gold. With a string of hits to his name like Saturday Night Fever, A Civil Action and Grease he was on a roll… then he made Battlefield Earth, which took him years to recover from. A dedicated Scientologist, Travolta sought funding for this adaptation of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s book for many years, eventually finding an independent studio willing to put up the cash. #Suckers. The result was awful. The story of giant aliens ruling over Earth in the year 3000, it also starred Forest Whitaker. Critic Rita Kempley of The Washington Post said: “A million monkeys with a million crayons would be hard-pressed in a million years to create anything as cretinous as Battlefield Earth.”
1. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
Was there ever any doubt about this one coming at number one? You could write a book about how bad this movie is, and the history of how it was made could fill 400 pages alone. Written and directed by Ed Wood, it featured bad acting, UFOs on string, wrestlers who thought they could act, zombies, wooden gravestones that wobbled as actors bumped into them, microphones visible in shot, vampires, aliens and a dead lead actor. Horror legend Bela Lugosi died after early filming, and was replaced by a Los Angeles dentist who covered his face with a cape throughout the movie. Ed Wood was convinced nobody would notice.
Plan 9 from Outer Space tells the story of extra-terrestrials who are seeking to stop humanity from creating a doomsday weapon that could destroy the universe. The aliens implement “Plan 9”, a scheme to resurrect the Earth’s dead. By causing chaos, the aliens hope the crisis will force humanity to listen to them. Plan 9 From Outer Space is a “must see before you die” kind of movie, based on the grounds that every few minutes you ask yourself how anyone involved in its production could have taken it seriously. Tim Burton made the biopic Ed Wood in 1994 starring Johnny Depp, which features the final line “This is the one. This is the one I’ll be remembered for.”
Plan 9 is so bad, it’s a masterpiece of woeful cinema and a clear winner of the QT Magazine’s “Worst Movie of All Time”.