TOP TEN - THE WORST MOVIES EVER MADE

QT Magazine ed­i­tor Dar­ren Hallesy forced him­self to en­dure th­ese ab­so­lute shock­ers on DVD and will be ask­ing for a pay rise, as com­pil­ing this ar­ti­cle left him men­tally scarred for life.

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HOW many times have you gone to the movies over your life­time and walked out of the cinema think­ing “I should ask for my money back”?

Th­ese days with movies com­ing out ev­ery sin­gle Thursday and a pub­lic pack­ing out Ip­swich’s four cinema com­plexes, thanks to re­views and on­line com­ments it’s rare that you’ll find a dud.

But for ev­ery God­fa­ther, Ti­tanic and Lord of the Rings, there’s dozens of duds to fill the cin­e­mas, and we’ve scoured the ar­chives to put to­gether the de­fin­i­tive col­lec­tion of shock­ers.

Feel free to visit the QT Face­book page and give us your opin­ions. Let’s face it, we all have that one movie that haunts us to this day.

10. Bat­man & Robin (1997)

At the time, putting Ge­orge Clooney in the bat­suit seemed like a good idea. That was un­til you saw the nip­ple studs. How can you take any­one se­ri­ously in a nip­ple-stud­ded suit? Then put Robin and Bat­girl in a mas­quer­ade mask (which some­how causes peo­ple to not recog­nise them at all), along with Arnold Sch­warzeneg­ger’s over­act­ing, Uma Thur­man in a bad wig, and it all added up to a movie that was too painful to watch from start to fin­ish.

With lines like “You’re not send­ing ME to the cooler!” is it any won­der this bombed?

9. The Love Guru (2008)

Can this be the same man re­spon­si­ble for Austin Pow­ers? With a script that even the Carry On movies would have re­jected, this po­lit­i­cally in­cor­rect “com­edy” was so puerile, child­ish and in­sanely un­funny you won­der how it ever got the green light. To see Os­car win­ner Ben Kings­ley cross­ing his eyes and in­tro­duc­ing him­self as a char­ac­ter called Guru Tug­gin­my­pudha, (yup, you read that right) makes you won­der how much he was get­ting paid to make this garbage.

8. Freddy Got Fin­gered (2001)

There’s movies that are called “black” com­edy, and then there’s just poor, poor taste. Freddy Got Fin­gered was be­yond both. Writ­ten by and star­ring comic Tom Green (who is more fa­mous for be­ing mar­ried to Drew Bar­ry­more for a short time), the movie was panned by crit­ics and avoided by au­di­ences. Puerile, gross, of­fen­sive and dis­gust­ing are just some of the words used to de­scribe this “com­edy”. If you can get through 30 min­utes of it with­out be­ing grossed out, seek med­i­cal ad­vice.

7. Jaws: The Re­venge (1997)

Ig­nor­ing pretty much all the pre­vi­ous movies and tak­ing the laws of na­ture into a toi­let and flush­ing them away, Michael Caine to this day ad­mits he only did this dud for the money. Apart from the fact we are sup­posed to be­lieve a shark has fol­lowed a fam­ily half way around the world to the Ba­hamas (where the wa­ter is warm, not cold as Great Whites pre­fer it), the cli­max in­volved a shark roar­ing (a phys­i­cal im­pos­si­bil­ity), along with the finned toothy git some­how pro­pel­ling it­self out of the wa­ter like a jet ski be­fore ex­plod­ing, leav­ing any­one who saw it in fits of laugh­ter.

6. Jack and Jill (2011)

There was a time when Adam San­dler made good movies. Click, Billy Madi­son, Bul­let­proof and the cult favourite Happy Gil­more were all fun to watch. Sadly though, the laughs have dried up for San­dler with duds like Lit­tle Nicky, Pix­els, Big Daddy and Zo­han. Worst of all was Jack and Jill in 2011 which fea­tured San­dler play­ing two roles, that of male and fe­male twins. Jack & Jill was panned by crit­ics and broke the record for most Razzie* wins, with 10 wins.

*The Razz­ies are given the night be­fore the Os­cars, cel­e­brat­ing the worst cinema had to of­fer over the last year. The pre­vi­ous record holder was the movie that sits at No.2 on this list.

5. Su­per­man IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

This was not how we wanted to re­mem­ber Christo­pher Reeve, who was an in­tel­li­gent hu­man­i­tar­ian that made the Su­per­man role his own in 1979 when the first and sec­ond movies were made back to back. The third movie was a shocker, used solely as a ve­hi­cle for Richard Pryor, and as pro­ducer, Reeve had a hand in this cheaply made fi­nal se­quel with pos­si­bly not only the worst spe­cial ef­fects for over a decade, and the lamest fight scene ever filmed star­ring Su­per­man and his neme­sis, wait for it ... “Nuclear Man” played by Mark Pil­low. Yup, we’ve never heard of him ei­ther. That’s be­cause it was his one and only film role. Reeve de­scribed the movie as a “catas­tro­phe from start to fin­ish”. Check out how the di­rec­tor por­trayed the United Na­tions in New York, us­ing an English shop­ping cen­tre, a hot dog stand and a fire hy­drant in the mid­dle of nowhere to con­vince the au­di­ence it was filmed in New York, not Mil­ton Keynes in North Lon­don. Oh dear.

4. Mac and Me (1988)

Ever heard the words “cash in”? Af­ter the suc­cess of E.T. in 1982, Mac and Me pretty much copied the script of Spiel­berg’s mas­ter­piece as a child be­friends an alien. At least E.T. looked con­vinc­ing. The alien in Mac and Me was a pa­thetic pup­pet with a face like a half-chewed tof­fee, and putting the lead char­ac­ter in a wheelchair just made it even more cringe-wor­thy. Fea­tur­ing Ron­ald McDon­ald him­self in­tro­duc­ing the trailer, McDon­ald’s had a profit-shar­ing scheme with the stu­dio, but as it was a to­tal dis­as­ter at the box of­fice, poor old Ron­ald had to keep sell­ing burg­ers. Go on YouTube and watch the trailer. It’s aw­ful, just aw­ful.

3. High­lander 2: The Quick­en­ing (1991)

The orig­i­nal High­lander in 1986 to this day re­mains a cult clas­sic. With Sean Con­nery and Christo­pher Lam­bert bat­tling swords through­out time along with a Queen sound­track, what’s not to like? Then along came a se­quel five years later that made no sense as it re­versed ev­ery­thing the first movie had to say, and forced the di­rec­tor and stars to make the movie un­der con­trac­tual obli­ga­tion, hence their tot­tally wooden per­for­mances. High­lander 2 was with­out doubt one of the worst se­quels ever made and haunts any­one who paid money to see it in 1991.

2. Bat­tle­field Earth (2000)

There was a time when John Tra­volta was box of­fice gold. With a string of hits to his name like Satur­day Night Fever, A Civil Ac­tion and Grease he was on a roll… then he made Bat­tle­field Earth, which took him years to re­cover from. A ded­i­cated Scien­tol­o­gist, Tra­volta sought fund­ing for this adap­ta­tion of Scien­tol­ogy founder L. Ron Hub­bard’s book for many years, even­tu­ally find­ing an in­de­pen­dent stu­dio will­ing to put up the cash. #Suck­ers. The re­sult was aw­ful. The story of gi­ant aliens rul­ing over Earth in the year 3000, it also starred For­est Whi­taker. Critic Rita Kem­p­ley of The Wash­ing­ton Post said: “A mil­lion mon­keys with a mil­lion crayons would be hard-pressed in a mil­lion years to cre­ate any­thing as cretinous as Bat­tle­field Earth.”

1. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

Was there ever any doubt about this one com­ing at num­ber one? You could write a book about how bad this movie is, and the his­tory of how it was made could fill 400 pages alone. Writ­ten and di­rected by Ed Wood, it fea­tured bad act­ing, UFOs on string, wrestlers who thought they could act, zom­bies, wooden grave­stones that wob­bled as ac­tors bumped into them, mi­cro­phones vis­i­ble in shot, vam­pires, aliens and a dead lead ac­tor. Hor­ror leg­end Bela Lu­gosi died af­ter early film­ing, and was re­placed by a Los An­ge­les den­tist who covered his face with a cape through­out the movie. Ed Wood was con­vinced no­body would no­tice.

Plan 9 from Outer Space tells the story of ex­tra-ter­res­tri­als who are seek­ing to stop hu­man­ity from cre­at­ing a dooms­day weapon that could de­stroy the uni­verse. The aliens im­ple­ment “Plan 9”, a scheme to res­ur­rect the Earth’s dead. By caus­ing chaos, the aliens hope the cri­sis will force hu­man­ity to lis­ten to them. Plan 9 From Outer Space is a “must see be­fore you die” kind of movie, based on the grounds that ev­ery few min­utes you ask your­self how any­one in­volved in its pro­duc­tion could have taken it se­ri­ously. Tim Bur­ton made the biopic Ed Wood in 1994 star­ring Johnny Depp, which fea­tures the fi­nal line “This is the one. This is the one I’ll be re­mem­bered for.”

Plan 9 is so bad, it’s a mas­ter­piece of woe­ful cinema and a clear win­ner of the QT Magazine’s “Worst Movie of All Time”.

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