GET SPIDEY RIGHT !
Five easy franchise fixes
DON’T TELL US THE ORIGIN… AGAIN!
We get it. Boy meets spider. Spider bites boy. This origin tale is now as crushingly overfamiliar as a gun- blasted Martha Wayne’s flying pearls and if you force us to witness it again we swear we shall set fire to cinema seats. Recap it in the title sequence if you must but for the love of Ditko, move on!
KEEP HIM GROUNDED!
Sure, Marvel, you now have the chance to put Spider- Man in the same frame as Thanos. But resist the temptation to fling him into cosmic battle. As Stan Lee always knew, he works best as an urban champion, part of the grime and chaos of New York. He may swing between skyscrapers but at heart he’s strictly street level.
BRING BACK THE BUGLE!
You know what we really missed about the Andrew Garfield movies? New York’s most irresponsible, crowd- baiting tabloid the Daily Bugle. More specifically we missed JK Simmons’ hilarious, film- stealing turns as J Jonah Jameson (“Science Squid!”). Screw the continuity issues: bring him back. You need him.
DE- COOL PETER PARKER!
Andrew Garfield’s a fine actor – and his onscreen chemistry with Emma Stone made those films – but there was always something weirdly off about his Peter Parker. A little too geek- cool, perhaps, a little too dickish, a little too skateboardy. Return Peter Parker to a genuine nerd loser. It makes his heroism all the more triumphant.
MORE RANDOM VILLAINS!
Enough with every supervillain in Manhattan having a personal connection to Peter Parker. It reeks of screenwriting class. Let Spider- Man’s world feel more random, more dangerous ( and please, no tedious old Oscorp neatly tieing it all together). You’ll be telling us Kraven the Hunter is Aunt May’s salsa class teacher next…