Dread­ful th ing to do

SFX - - Penny dreadful -

Come to The Haunted Pic­ture House. This is a brand new hor­ror ex­pe­ri­ence in a lav­ish gothic- themed haunted house in a se­cret cen­tral Lon­don lo­ca­tion where a clas­sic chiller will be screened and dress­ing up en­cour­aged. Think “se­cret cinema” for old- school hor­ror hounds. Events hap­pen weekly, with the first night tak­ing place on 9 May from 7pm till mid­night ( there’s a bar...). Grab your fangs and your vel­vety jacket and head to www.haunt­ed­pic­ture­house.com for tick­ets and de­tails.

of, star­ring no one who’s been in any­thing, it’s a prob­lem­atic re­venge tale of a nice lit­tle kid whose par­ents are ne­glect­ful and cruel and whose brother is a se­rial killer. It’s pep­pered with black hu­mour, and the closing shot is a cracker, but the act­ing is dodgy and there’s a film- within- a- film sub­plot which vaguely im­plies that watch­ing crappy low- rent hor­ror movies turns you into a ma­niac. Per­haps low pro­duc­tion val­ues are per­versely com­fort­ing when the ma­te­rial is dis­turb­ing? It doesn’t look real so it’s not up­set­ting? Most of the ac­tors are wooden so it’s okay to laugh when they’re mur­dered and abused? Or per­haps I’m a ma­niac in the mak­ing. If so I’m sure I’ll en­joy direc­tor Scott Schirmer’s next project, en­ti­tled

Hell­e­va­tor Man, which comes with the sin­gle plot line, “A guy has sex with a robot”. Top class.

Great Dane

More grow­ing pains, in

When An­i­mals Dream, my movie of the month, out May. This is a quiet, grim com­ing- of- ager in­spired by Car­rie and Win­ter’s

Bone about a girl in an iso­lated fish­ing com­mu­nity in Den­mark. This is bleak stuff – young Marie el­bow- deep in fish guts dur­ing the day, bul­lied by her ruf­fian co­work­ers and car­ing for her poorly mother dur­ing the evening. And if that wasn’t enough she’s turn­ing into a mur­der­ous beast. It’s like a Nordic Gin­ger Snaps, which does for were­wolves what Let The Right

One In did for vam­pires – ie makes them sym­pa­thetic but de­press­ing and un­sexy.

Cheeky of­fer

So David Lynch isn’t do­ing

Twin Peaks any more be­cause, ac­cord­ing to Lynch ( via Twit­ter) “not enough money was of­fered to do the script the way I felt it needed to be done.” The project may still go ahead but it’s al­most cer­tainly go­ing to get panned by fans now. Imag­ine my dis­tress then to find an open let­ter to Lynch in my in­box ( I have no idea why I’m on this mail­ing list, hon­estly!) from a pro­ducer of adult movies of­fer­ing Mr Lynch a chance to do a Peaks- porno spin off. “We could call it Twin

Cheeks,” the writer says “or even keep the name as is, since it is al­ready slang for boobs.” Now that would be truly hor­rific.

A beardy Sch­warzeneg­ger cares for Maggie – will any­one care for the movie?

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