Dreadful th ing to do
Come to The Haunted Picture House. This is a brand new horror experience in a lavish gothic- themed haunted house in a secret central London location where a classic chiller will be screened and dressing up encouraged. Think “secret cinema” for old- school horror hounds. Events happen weekly, with the first night taking place on 9 May from 7pm till midnight ( there’s a bar...). Grab your fangs and your velvety jacket and head to www.hauntedpicturehouse.com for tickets and details.
of, starring no one who’s been in anything, it’s a problematic revenge tale of a nice little kid whose parents are neglectful and cruel and whose brother is a serial killer. It’s peppered with black humour, and the closing shot is a cracker, but the acting is dodgy and there’s a film- within- a- film subplot which vaguely implies that watching crappy low- rent horror movies turns you into a maniac. Perhaps low production values are perversely comforting when the material is disturbing? It doesn’t look real so it’s not upsetting? Most of the actors are wooden so it’s okay to laugh when they’re murdered and abused? Or perhaps I’m a maniac in the making. If so I’m sure I’ll enjoy director Scott Schirmer’s next project, entitled
Hellevator Man, which comes with the single plot line, “A guy has sex with a robot”. Top class.
More growing pains, in
When Animals Dream, my movie of the month, out May. This is a quiet, grim coming- of- ager inspired by Carrie and Winter’s
Bone about a girl in an isolated fishing community in Denmark. This is bleak stuff – young Marie elbow- deep in fish guts during the day, bullied by her ruffian coworkers and caring for her poorly mother during the evening. And if that wasn’t enough she’s turning into a murderous beast. It’s like a Nordic Ginger Snaps, which does for werewolves what Let The Right
One In did for vampires – ie makes them sympathetic but depressing and unsexy.
So David Lynch isn’t doing
Twin Peaks any more because, according to Lynch ( via Twitter) “not enough money was offered to do the script the way I felt it needed to be done.” The project may still go ahead but it’s almost certainly going to get panned by fans now. Imagine my distress then to find an open letter to Lynch in my inbox ( I have no idea why I’m on this mailing list, honestly!) from a producer of adult movies offering Mr Lynch a chance to do a Peaks- porno spin off. “We could call it Twin
Cheeks,” the writer says “or even keep the name as is, since it is already slang for boobs.” Now that would be truly horrific.
A beardy Schwarzenegger cares for Maggie – will anyone care for the movie?