Sliders “Prince Of Wails”
Next up, the show which each week “slid” through a wormhole to a different alternate Earth. Cue pumping dance music… Ian: ( throwing shapes) Anyone got any glowsticks? … climaxing in the show’s name being whispered in faintly erotic fashion. Nick: Sliders… ribbed for your pleasure. Physics genius Quinn, his female friend Wade, Professor Arturo and soul singer Rembrandt emerge from a rubbish- looking wormhole to… Nick: An Earth where CGI technology is 20 years behind ours? It’s more like one of those Lost episodes where they unconvincingly pretend that Hawaii is London. There’s a red double decker! And there’s a red phone box! We’re in the British States Of America; in this reality, Blighty won the Revolutionary War. Ian: Oh, a utopia then? With the King MIA fighting the French, the wicked Sheriff of San Francisco’s in charge – and Arturo is his double! The Prof takes advantage of this to blag a car, praising its “British craftsmanship”. Cut to: our heroes pushing the car. Ian: Cheeky sods. At least we’ve got a functioning sense of irony. Nick: No one is taking this remotely seriously. Is it time for the dark, gritty reboot? In the woods, our heroes bump into the King’s hapless heir, Prince Harold, foiling the Sheriff ’s plan to have him assassinated. Then they’re captured by freedom fighters called the Oakland Raiders. “We want our brothers and sisters out of jail!” their leader declares. Ian: “And accents that sound less Australian, cobber!” They’re taken to the Raiders’ dingy HQ. We’re soon heartily sick of the sight of it. Jordan: Why go to an alternate world and spend the entire episode in a basement?! Rich: Clearly they could only afford one shot of a red bus. The Raiders have faxed in their list of demands. Jordan: Faxed?! Could this get any more ’ 90s? Ian: Only if they’d been handdelivered by Ginger Spice. Quinn delivers a stirring speech, which ends, “Power to the people!” Nick: “And freedom for Tooting!” Soon the Prince is hitting on Wade, in best bumbling Hugh Grant fashion. Ian: Oh good, just what’s been missing: a half- hearted romance. Meanwhile, the Sheriff declares martial law. Ian: I bet no costly extras are allowed on the streets any time after 6pm. The Raiders storm the state- run TV studio, with surprising ease. As the Prince denounces the Sheriff live on air, Arturo provides the new regime with a familiarsounding bill of rights – though he decides to “scratch that one” when it comes to the right to bear arms. Ian: While you’re at it, add that colour is spelt with a u, saying “Have a nice day” is annoying, and baseball isn’t a proper sport.
The new Clarkson, May and Hammond?
So… “pavement” or “sidewalk” then?
Clearly Great Britain.
And 20 years later, all men will have beards.