SFX - - Couch potato -

This SF- hor­ror con­cerns a beau­ti­ful alien/ hu­man hy­brid on a mission to mate with Earth males. Es­cap­ing a gov­ern­ment lab, a young Sil ( played by a pre- Daw­son’s Creek Michelle Wil­iams) sneaks onto a train, pinch­ing cash and, er, some pan scour­ers?! As she tucks into choco­late mousse, in­tes­tine- like ten­ta­cles erupt from her face, drag­ging her up the wall. Jor­dan: I’m never eat­ing choco­late mousse again. A guard dis­cov­ers some­thing very strange in­deed. Ian: It’s a vagina chrysalis! Out wrig­gles a naked, ful­ly­de­vel­oped Sil. The team on her trail in­cludes Michael Mad­sen’s mer­ce­nary. “No­body ever asked me to find any­thing they didn’t want dead,” he says. Ian: I pity his girl­friend. Al­fred Molina’s an an­thro­pol­o­gist, Marg Hel­gen­berger’s a bi­ol­o­gist, and Forrest Whi­taker is an em­path. Nick: Couldn’t they have com­bined th­ese peo­ple into one de­cent char­ac­ter? Ben Kings­ley’s ge­neti­cist ex­plains they in­jected an egg with alien DNA, mak­ing the child fe­male, “so it’d be more docile and con­trol­lable”. Nick: I wouldn’t go on Twit­ter with that at­ti­tude, mate. Sil goes home with a night­club pick- up. Mid- snog, the chap starts gag­ging, and a pointy tongue bursts out of the back of his head. Nick: Poor sod didn’t even get to third base. Ian: I’m never French kiss­ing again. Our he­roes find men­strual blood. “If she’s men­stru­at­ing she’s ca­pa­ble of re­pro­duc­tion,” some­one ex­plains. “Yes, I know,” says the ge­neti­cist. Rich: That felt less like a scripted ex­change and more like Ben Kings­ley’s de­spair. Now Sil’s in a pool with Thomas Jane, who ends up suf­fo­cated by bizarre means… Jor­dan: She’s got boob ten­ta­cles! Ian: I’m never mak­ing out in a pool with a com­plete stranger again. Rich: Boob ten­ta­cles: great name for a heavy metal band. Nick: “Vagina Chrysalis” could be the LP. Much later, af­ter hav­ing dis­guised her­self by dy­ing her hair, Sil ends up strad­dling Molina’s char­ac­ter. Whi­taker’s em­path sees flashes of the two at it. Jor­dan: Al­fred Molina sex vi­sions! That’s a su­per­power no one wants. Ian: I re­ally don’t want to see Al­fred Molina’s or­gasm face. Too late. Molina meets a sticky end – in more ways than one. Nick: Com­pare this to Un­der The Skin; what a world of dif­fer­ence. Ian: It’s ba­si­cally an ex­er­cise in giv­ing 14- year- old boys a boner, then tak­ing it away. Just when we thought Species couldn’t get any filth­ier, it, er, cli­maxes in a sewer- based show­down when Mad­sen’s merc blows Sil’s head off with a grenade launcher – to all’s amuse­ment. “She was half us, half some­thing else”, muses the bi­ol­o­gist. “I won­der which was the preda­tory half ?” Ian: The half with the boob ten­ta­cles? Nick: But she was all woman. Or was that Lisa Stans­field?

Didn’t read the warn­ing on the side.

That’s banned on that swim­ming pool sign.

Bet­ter than death by fir­ing squad.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Australia

© PressReader. All rights reserved.