Congo

SFX: The Sci-Fi and Fantasy Magazine - - Couch potato -

To Africa next, as we search for the Lost City of Zi­i­i­inj, home of King Solomon’s di­a­mond mine, in this Michael Crich­ton adap. Rich: I’ve read the book. The book is shit. Nick: But I love old Tarzan movies, King Solomon’s Mines and mon­keys, and this was an at­tempt to bring back all that. Bruce Camp­bell pops up. Be­fore be­ing killed by an un­seen some­thing, he re­ports find­ing a chem­i­cally flaw­less blue crys­tal. Ian: 100% pure metham­phetamine? No, it’s a rare blue di­a­mond. We meet Amy, a go­rilla with a glove that trans­lates sign lan­guage into speech. “Amy good go­rilla. Amy pretty.” Rich: Amy bit full of her­self. Ian: I’d love one of those gloves. It’d be great for flick­ing the Vs. Jor­dan: Guy in a suit or an­i­ma­tron­ics? Nick: I’m say­ing real monkey. Or a monkey in a monkey suit: the ul­ti­mate spe­cial ef­fect. Amy’s part of a sec­ond ex­pe­di­tion that’ll fol­low the sig­nal of a “com­mu­ni­ca­tions laser” left at the scene. Fund­ing it: Tim Curry’s Ro­ma­nian phi­lan­thropist. Rich: What the hell’s that ac­cent? Ian: I think he’s had den­tal work and the anaes­thetic hasn’t worn off. Nick: It’s the sound of phlegm. Spit it out, man! We en­counter a “ghost tribe”, whose faces are painted white. Ian: Goths get ev­ery­where. They should trade a Sis­ters Of Mercy LP for some sup­plies. Jor­dan: This jun­gle’s so stagey. Where are the vis­tas? Nick: It does have a Dis­ney­land ride vibe. They find a trau­ma­tised sur­vivor of the first ex­pe­di­tion. See­ing Amy and guide Ernie Hud­son, he screams in hor­ror. Ian: Clearly he has a phobia of Ghost­busters. Amy’s paint­ings in­clude an all- see­ing eye; this sug­gests she knows the lo­ca­tion of the Lost City of Zinj. Rich: Hang on, did Ron­ald D Moore rip this off in Galac­tica? Ian: If Amy starts smok­ing a cigar, we’ll know. The party’s at­tacked by a species of in­tel­li­gent, ag­gres­sive grey go­ril­las. Cen­turies ago, they were trained to pro­tect the mine. Nick: Ma­chine guns vs go­ril­las! This is cinema! Jor­dan: Oh my god, there’s chunks of monkey. Rich: Is that a Ben & Jerry’s flavour? A char­ac­ter grabs the com­mu­ni­ca­tions laser, jams in a di­a­mond to su­per- charge it, and un­leashes a death ray on the go­ril­las! “Put ’ em on the en­dan­gered species list!” she quips. Rich: Oh. My. God. Ian: That’s about the only thing Jeremy Clark­son hasn’t done. Jor­dan: They’ll only top that if she beats a panda to death with a baby seal. Now the nearby vol­cano has erupted. The go­ril­las that haven’t been fried are buried in lava. Rich: They’re burning alive! This is the cru­ellest film. Ian: Now it’s the Lost City of Singed. Nick: Can this be ret­conned into Planet Of The Apes? Maybe this is what led to the apes hav­ing a grudge.

He also has some Pringles in his satchel.

At­ten­tion! RSPCA Alert! RSPCA Alert!

One hell of a stag night…

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