To Africa next, as we search for the Lost City of Ziiiinj, home of King Solomon’s diamond mine, in this Michael Crichton adap. Rich: I’ve read the book. The book is shit. Nick: But I love old Tarzan movies, King Solomon’s Mines and monkeys, and this was an attempt to bring back all that. Bruce Campbell pops up. Before being killed by an unseen something, he reports finding a chemically flawless blue crystal. Ian: 100% pure methamphetamine? No, it’s a rare blue diamond. We meet Amy, a gorilla with a glove that translates sign language into speech. “Amy good gorilla. Amy pretty.” Rich: Amy bit full of herself. Ian: I’d love one of those gloves. It’d be great for flicking the Vs. Jordan: Guy in a suit or animatronics? Nick: I’m saying real monkey. Or a monkey in a monkey suit: the ultimate special effect. Amy’s part of a second expedition that’ll follow the signal of a “communications laser” left at the scene. Funding it: Tim Curry’s Romanian philanthropist. Rich: What the hell’s that accent? Ian: I think he’s had dental work and the anaesthetic hasn’t worn off. Nick: It’s the sound of phlegm. Spit it out, man! We encounter a “ghost tribe”, whose faces are painted white. Ian: Goths get everywhere. They should trade a Sisters Of Mercy LP for some supplies. Jordan: This jungle’s so stagey. Where are the vistas? Nick: It does have a Disneyland ride vibe. They find a traumatised survivor of the first expedition. Seeing Amy and guide Ernie Hudson, he screams in horror. Ian: Clearly he has a phobia of Ghostbusters. Amy’s paintings include an all- seeing eye; this suggests she knows the location of the Lost City of Zinj. Rich: Hang on, did Ronald D Moore rip this off in Galactica? Ian: If Amy starts smoking a cigar, we’ll know. The party’s attacked by a species of intelligent, aggressive grey gorillas. Centuries ago, they were trained to protect the mine. Nick: Machine guns vs gorillas! This is cinema! Jordan: Oh my god, there’s chunks of monkey. Rich: Is that a Ben & Jerry’s flavour? A character grabs the communications laser, jams in a diamond to super- charge it, and unleashes a death ray on the gorillas! “Put ’ em on the endangered species list!” she quips. Rich: Oh. My. God. Ian: That’s about the only thing Jeremy Clarkson hasn’t done. Jordan: They’ll only top that if she beats a panda to death with a baby seal. Now the nearby volcano has erupted. The gorillas that haven’t been fried are buried in lava. Rich: They’re burning alive! This is the cruellest film. Ian: Now it’s the Lost City of Singed. Nick: Can this be retconned into Planet Of The Apes? Maybe this is what led to the apes having a grudge.
He also has some Pringles in his satchel.
Attention! RSPCA Alert! RSPCA Alert!
One hell of a stag night…