La­bo­ri­ous view­ing

SFX - - Reviews - Her­cules pock­eted two Golden Rasp­ber­ries: Worst New Star for Lou Fer­rigno and Worst Sup­port­ing Ac­tress for Sy­bil Dan­ning.

re­leased Out Now! 1983/1986 | PG | BLU-RAY/DVD Di­rec­tor luigi Cozzi Cast lou Fer­rigno, sy­bil dan­ning, Wil­liam Berger, so­nia Vi­viani

Lou Fer­rigno! He’s like an ’80s version of Vin Diesel, but with­out the act­ing tal­ent. Lou Fer­rigno! More than a green mus­cle-clad Hulk, he’s also a tanned mus­cle­clad Herc. Lou Fer­rigno! His beard and his pecs twitch in har­mony as he faces robot dragons and god­desses in swim­suits.

Her­cules mashes to­gether fan­tasy and sci-fi tropes with such glee it surely must be a spoof. Its over­long open­ing nar­ra­tion tells us that Zeus, who lives on the Moon, grants su­per­hu­man strength to one hu­man in­fant in or­der to bal­ance the war be­tween mankind and the forces of Chaos. Her­cules grows up liv­ing in a stone cot­tage straight from The Flint­stones. He punches a bear and then lit­er­ally flings it into space. He uses a bat­ter­ing ram to win a wrestling con­test and fin­ishes by fling­ing it into space. If you’re think­ing that sounds pure five-star ma­te­rial, let’s agree Her­cules has chutz­pah. But it has all the logic and pol­ish of a school pan­tomime. There’s even a pause af­ter evil Ari­adne cack­les, “We’ll FEED him to the SHARKS!” that’s the per­fect length for you to shout “OH NO YOU WON’T!”

The Ad­ven­tures Of Her­cules II has Zeus send­ing Her­cules back to Earth to find the gods’ seven thun­der­bolts. Along the way he joins forces with Glau­cia and Ura­nia – both in swim­suits, of course. The three bat­tle sev­eral mon­sters, plus King Mi­nos, who for some rea­son turns into a gi­ant glow­ing ape – it’s okay though, be­cause Her­cules turns him­self into a gi­ant glow­ing di­nosaur and fights him in space. There’s a de­cent twist 15 min­utes from the end but the an­i­mated el­e­ments are laugh­ably trippy. Still: Lou Fer­rigno!

Ex­tras Just trail­ers. Dave Bradley

And you thought there were no more Page Three mod­els.

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