Star trek: en­ter­prise

“Af­flic­tion”/“di­ver­gence” 2005

SFX: The Sci-Fi and Fantasy Magazine - - Trek 50 Couch Potato: Klingons -

It’s a shame­less bit of ret­con­ning, as the pre­quel se­ries goes back to ex­plain why Kor and the other orig­i­nal se­ries Klin­gons didn’t have lumpy fore­heads. But first of all, let’s get the oblig­a­tory con­ver­sa­tion about the theme tune out of the way. Al­to­gether now: “It’s been a long road…”

RICH At least it’s the later version with added strum­ming. NICK It’s still the least Star Trek thing ever. RICH Great vi­su­als, though. IAN This is the pro­duc­ers try­ing to get away from ev­ery­thing Star Trek was. NICK It’s hor­rific. As chief en­gi­neer Trip Tucker pre­pares to trans­fer to En­ter­prise’s sis­ter ship Columbia, Dr Phlox and En­sign Hoshi are en­joy­ing some shore leave when Phlox is kid­napped. IAN This is very wel­come news. NICK He’s like some kind of nob­bly Frasier. RICH At least he’s bet­ter than Neelix... Cut to Phlox’s des­ti­na­tion, a Klin­gon re­search sta­tion where a ge­net­i­cally mod­i­fied virus is killing Klin­gons – and making them look strangely hu­man…

NICK Is there any den­tistry on Kronos?

IAN They carve their teeth that way.

JOR­DAN Then how does the dis­ease fix their teeth? That must be some virus. IAN The new model Klin­gon is very Bee-Gee-ish. RICH It’ll be a tragedy. They’re just try­ing to stay alive, etc. NICK I hate the hairy Klin­gons. They look stinky and hor­ri­ble. I like my Klin­gons suave and sin­is­ter. IAN They’re like el­derly bik­ers. RICH Though this one guy is in­ter­ested in science. Do you think he was picked on at Klin­gon school? It turns out an ex­per­i­ment to cre­ate su­per­hu­man (or should that be “su­perKlin­gon”?) aug­ments has back­fired, cre­at­ing the lethal virus.

The first half of the twoparter blends un­event­fully into the sec­ond via the least cliffhang­ery cliffhanger ever… RICH Look! That’s Seth MacFar­lane off of Fam­ily Guy in engi­neer­ing. He’s turned up just to al­le­vi­ate the bore­dom. NICK It does feel like there’s only one episode of story across the two-parter. IAN The show had a bud­get cut, so sud­denly there’s lots of two episode sto­ries. RICH It’s phe­nom­e­nally te­dious. JOR­DAN It’s a good look­ing show, though. Well lit, well shot. Cap­tain Archer shows up to do­nate his blood to help make a cure. NICK At least their hair looks bet­ter now. They’ve got some con­di­tioner in it.

Learn­ing to han­dle his “dis­fig­ure­ment”.

Tragedy! When you lose con­trol...

“You get paid how much?”

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