He’s the an­tichrist, you know

SFX - - Viewscreen - Jayne Nel­son

We’re in­tro­duced to our sort-of hero, DAMIEN THORN, who once used to be best mates with MER­LIN but is now a war pho­tog­ra­pher tak­ing pic­tures of car­nage, death and de­struc­tion all around the world.

DAMIEN Wher­ever I go, peo­ple die. You’d think I was cursed or some­thing.

ANN RUT­LEDGE Hello, Damien. I’m a mys­te­ri­ous woman who’s been watch­ing you your whole life. That “you think you’re cursed” thing? It’s be­cause you’re the an­tichrist. Sur­prise!

DAMIEN Bol­locks am I.

An OLD LADY screams “I love you, Damien!” be­fore be­ing shot dead. DAMIEN’S GIRL­FRIEND dies hor­ri­bly in a sink­hole. HELL HOUNDS fol­low him wher­ever he goes, watch­ing. He has flash­backs to his child­hood, when his NANNY killed her­self, also yelling that she loves Damien. And his fa­ther, GRE­GORY PECK, once tried to sac­ri­fice him on an al­tar.

ANN RUT­LEDGE See? Death fol­lows you ev­ery­where. You’re the an­tichrist.

DAMIEN Bol­locks am I. Also, Gre­gory Peck was my dad in the orig­i­nal 1976 movie when I was five. So I don’t un­der­stand how I’m 30 in 2016. The maths is all wrong.

THE WRIT­ERS Sh­h­hhh. Just go with it.

DAMIEN goes to a church for his girl­friend’s fu­neral, and throws up.

ANN RUT­LEDGE You’re sick in churches be­cause you’re the an­tichrist. DAMIEN Bol­locks am I.

Some­one tries to kill DAMIEN with one of the Dag­gers of Megiddo his dad once used; the as­sas­sin is sliced in two by a car. Some­one who has been hor­ri­ble to DAMIEN is killed by his tie be­ing dragged into an es­ca­la­tor. It goes on. And on. Some of the deaths are im­pres­sively gross. Also, some­one finds a dead chick in their bath­room drain, which for some weird rea­son is more gross than all the deaths put to­gether.

DAMIEN …Hmmm. This is start­ing to get weird.

ANN I love you, Damien. Also, you’re the an­tichrist.

Af­ter lots of brood­ing, be­ing stared at by HELL HOUNDS and be­ing wound up by ANN, DAMIEN fi­nally thinks “Sod this lark” and tries to kill him­self. He fails and ends up in an asy­lum.

THE WRIT­ERS What this brand-new show needs are two episodes in which Damien wan­ders from room to room in an asy­lum see­ing weird things in the dark, and then an en­tire episode that’s just a fever-dream. They’ll re­ally help ad­vance the plot!

THE AU­DI­ENCE We are so bored.

DAMIEN It is sur­pris­ingly bor­ing be­ing the an­tichrist. Maybe I should take my shirt off a lot to make up for it. A HUGE SEC­TION OF THE AU­DI­ENCE We love you, Damien!

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