PBRAECSOIDNENT

It’s cer­tainly more pop­u­lar than ei­ther of the pres­i­den­tial nom­i­nees. But could our favourite porky prod­uct win the US elec­tion? It siz­zles bet­ter than a Wik­ileaks scan­dal

Sunday Herald Sun - Stellar - - Delicious On Sunday -

AS AMER­I­CANS go to vote next month, it’s safe to say more would be in favour of nom­i­nat­ing ba­con as the na­tional dish than vot­ing for ei­ther can­di­date. So as self-elected chair­man of the Ba­con Party, here’s my man­i­festo for why ba­con is more electable than Hil­lary or Don­ald…

YOU CAN TRUST BA­CON

You may not be able to trust most pol­lies but you can al­ways trust ba­con to be porky, salty and some­times smoky.

BA­CON’S PROUD HER­ITAGE

Once ba­con was a slab of salty stuff that lasted for decades and flavoured bland sta­ples like beans, hard­tack or split peas – food as Amer­i­can as the chuck­wag­ons that served on the Great Plains. Pol­lies know there are votes in ty­ing your­self to the glo­ries of the past and a rosy ru­ral his­tory – even if they do lit­tle to en­sure su­per­mar­ket prices ben­e­fit farm­ers.

BA­CON ISN’T A SHOWPONY

Like most pol­lies, ba­con is happy in the lime­light, crispy and crum­bled over ev­ery­thing from pump­kin soup to but­tered corn cobs. Yet it’s equally adept at work­ing hard be­hind the scenes. Many of Europe’s finest soups, braises and sauces have a dice of onions, car­rots and cel­ery, fried up with a lit­tle ba­con.

WE’VE HAD A HAM AL­READY…

If an old ham like Ron­ald Rea­gan can get elected, surely ba­con has a chance.

BA­CON ISN’T IN A SE­CRET SO­CI­ETY

Many US Pres­i­dents have been part of se­cret so­ci­eties. Pres­i­dents Howard Taft, Ge­orge Bush snr and Ge­orge W Bush were mem­bers of Yale’s Skull and Bones club. Ba­con is not in a se­cret so­ci­ety but it is a key mem­ber of the most ex­clu­sive “club” of all – the one on ev­ery room ser­vice menu. If you are as­sess­ing its for­eign af­fairs cre­den­tials, look how well it gets on in that club with turkey.

BA­CON’S GLOBAL AP­PEAL

Ba­con is loved and un­der­stood by so many of the NATO na­tions, whether served in a salade Ly­on­naise in France, or cosy­ing up to cab­bage in a Pol­ish bi­gos. It’s also no stranger to Asia. Kore­ans eat slices of grilled belly pork as sam­gyeop­sal, and China has its own ba­con – lop yuk.

BA­CON TRAN­SCENDS ERAS

Old peo­ple tell me in the late ’60s and early ’70s ev­ery­thing came wrapped in ba­con – whether it was prunes, oys­ters, pineap­ple rings, sausages, cheese or even the Satur­day night meat­loaf.

The Bea­tles gave so­cial com­men­tary on the trend in their 1968 hit Ba­con In The USSR, recorded seven years be­fore Paul Mccart­ney be­came a veg­e­tar­ian. It could make a good cam­paign song.

BA­CON KNOWS PORK BAR­RELLING

Who bet­ter to un­der­stand this ven­er­a­ble US tra­di­tion of brib­ing for votes than ba­con? It was ac­tu­ally salt pork, aka ba­con, in those bar­rels orig­i­nally.

BA­CON IS ON TREND

Ba­con em­braces in­ter­net hacks like weav­ing strips to­gether to make a mat for a BLT, and it hap­pily as­sists vot­ers who can’t di­gest flour. It will line a muf­fin tin for an egg and ba­con pie, thus erad­i­cat­ing the need for pas­try to as­sist gluten-free and pa­leo vot­ers.

BA­CON IS ELECTABLE

It’s re­ally good at danc­ing, (didn’t you see how good ba­con was in Foot­loose?), and of course ba­con went into space in Apollo 13, and as­tro­nauts make great can­di­dates.

BA­CON KNOWS ITS LIM­I­TA­TIONS

Ba­con will prob­a­bly never be as pop­u­lar with Amer­i­can women as it is with men and it also to­tally alien­ates ev­ery Mus­lim voter. Ba­si­cally, ba­con is Don­ald Trump, and look how far he has come.

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