It’s certainly more popular than either of the presidential nominees. But could our favourite porky product win the US election? It sizzles better than a Wikileaks scandal
AS AMERICANS go to vote next month, it’s safe to say more would be in favour of nominating bacon as the national dish than voting for either candidate. So as self-elected chairman of the Bacon Party, here’s my manifesto for why bacon is more electable than Hillary or Donald…
YOU CAN TRUST BACON
You may not be able to trust most pollies but you can always trust bacon to be porky, salty and sometimes smoky.
BACON’S PROUD HERITAGE
Once bacon was a slab of salty stuff that lasted for decades and flavoured bland staples like beans, hardtack or split peas – food as American as the chuckwagons that served on the Great Plains. Pollies know there are votes in tying yourself to the glories of the past and a rosy rural history – even if they do little to ensure supermarket prices benefit farmers.
BACON ISN’T A SHOWPONY
Like most pollies, bacon is happy in the limelight, crispy and crumbled over everything from pumpkin soup to buttered corn cobs. Yet it’s equally adept at working hard behind the scenes. Many of Europe’s finest soups, braises and sauces have a dice of onions, carrots and celery, fried up with a little bacon.
WE’VE HAD A HAM ALREADY…
If an old ham like Ronald Reagan can get elected, surely bacon has a chance.
BACON ISN’T IN A SECRET SOCIETY
Many US Presidents have been part of secret societies. Presidents Howard Taft, George Bush snr and George W Bush were members of Yale’s Skull and Bones club. Bacon is not in a secret society but it is a key member of the most exclusive “club” of all – the one on every room service menu. If you are assessing its foreign affairs credentials, look how well it gets on in that club with turkey.
BACON’S GLOBAL APPEAL
Bacon is loved and understood by so many of the NATO nations, whether served in a salade Lyonnaise in France, or cosying up to cabbage in a Polish bigos. It’s also no stranger to Asia. Koreans eat slices of grilled belly pork as samgyeopsal, and China has its own bacon – lop yuk.
BACON TRANSCENDS ERAS
Old people tell me in the late ’60s and early ’70s everything came wrapped in bacon – whether it was prunes, oysters, pineapple rings, sausages, cheese or even the Saturday night meatloaf.
The Beatles gave social commentary on the trend in their 1968 hit Bacon In The USSR, recorded seven years before Paul Mccartney became a vegetarian. It could make a good campaign song.
BACON KNOWS PORK BARRELLING
Who better to understand this venerable US tradition of bribing for votes than bacon? It was actually salt pork, aka bacon, in those barrels originally.
BACON IS ON TREND
Bacon embraces internet hacks like weaving strips together to make a mat for a BLT, and it happily assists voters who can’t digest flour. It will line a muffin tin for an egg and bacon pie, thus eradicating the need for pastry to assist gluten-free and paleo voters.
BACON IS ELECTABLE
It’s really good at dancing, (didn’t you see how good bacon was in Footloose?), and of course bacon went into space in Apollo 13, and astronauts make great candidates.
BACON KNOWS ITS LIMITATIONS
Bacon will probably never be as popular with American women as it is with men and it also totally alienates every Muslim voter. Basically, bacon is Donald Trump, and look how far he has come.