“When a woman’s handbag weighs more than an actual human being
My handbag weighs more than my child. Seriously. It weighs 12.6 kilos. How do I know this? Because I weighed it to settle an argument. The other day, I passed my handbag to my boyfriend and it landed in his lap with a thud.
“What the hell is in here?” he asked.
“Everything we might need,” I quipped. “Nappies, wipes, snacks, toys… someone’s gotta carry it.” You can imagine my tone. I don’t get the luxury of strolling out the door with just my wallet and keys.
Between you and I, the necessities only weighed about 3.3kg. The other nine or so kilos were simply excess baggage! It’d reached crisis point. I felt like that person who’s told their carry- carry-on on bag is too big for the flflight. flight.
I spread the contents of my bag out across the kitchen bench. Phone, wallet, keys, laptop, make-up bag, mismatchedm Tupperware containers, a portablep phone charger, the charger for the portable phone charger, one of [daughter] Evie’s shoes, a toy plane wit with one wing, a notepad, textas, a brus brush, the front of one earring, the backb of another, enough coins to feed every parking meter in town, mints, a tube of hand cream, the loose lidl of the tube of hand cream, some knickers, one sock, crushed Tiny Teddies and squishe squished sultanas, the kids’ book W Where Is The Green Sheep?, an emptyempt kids’ water bottle and a wet pa passport. Did you know that a wa water-damaged passport is invalid invalid? I do now. I’ve alw always envied those women who have n neat, empty handbags. I crave thattha handbag. Every time I get a new handbag, I vow to make this the o one that stays tidy. I last a day and thent “life” gets in the way. My h handbag’s weight has fluctuat fluctuated over the years. I tried using a small handbag for a while, but then my arms were alway always overloaded with stuff, and I ended up spilling coffe coffees, smashing phone scre screens and dropping my key keys down a lift well. Handbags are a necessity, th though. The Queen has a handbag! And even she h has random things in it. Yes, Her Maj has a hook in her little neat handbag. Apparently, the Queen’s bag must never touch the floor, so she has a hook so she can hang it off tables. Ingenious. See, you just never know what you might find in a lady’s bag. It’s like a sneak peek into her soul.
But my 12.6-kilo dead weight is bringing me down. It’s almost certainly responsible for my sore back and sloping shoulder. Add the weight of my daughter and I’m often carrying more than 20 kilos! Who needs the gym?
Maybe I need a backpack? I saw a girl bouncing down the street with a little backpack the other day and thought, how cute does that look? Not to mention how much happier it would make my physio. Problem is, I’d never fit my life in there. It’s just not practical. If I were to have a backpack, it would need to be more of a rucksack. You know, the ones with buckles that do up around the waist. That’s exactly what I need. A rucksack!
Aussie Disposals, you know where to find me. Carrie co-hosts The Project, 6.30pm weeknights, on Network Ten.
“You never know what you might find in a lady’s bag. It’s a sneak peek into her soul”