“When a wo­man’s hand­bag weighs more than an ac­tual hu­man be­ing

Sunday Herald Sun - Stellar - - Carrie Bickmore -

My hand­bag weighs more than my child. Se­ri­ously. It weighs 12.6 ki­los. How do I know this? Be­cause I weighed it to set­tle an ar­gu­ment. The other day, I passed my hand­bag to my boyfriend and it landed in his lap with a thud.

“What the hell is in here?” he asked.

“Ev­ery­thing we might need,” I quipped. “Nap­pies, wipes, snacks, toys… some­one’s gotta carry it.” You can imag­ine my tone. I don’t get the lux­ury of strolling out the door with just my wal­let and keys.

Be­tween you and I, the ne­ces­si­ties only weighed about 3.3kg. The other nine or so ki­los were sim­ply ex­cess bag­gage! It’d reached cri­sis point. I felt like that per­son who’s told their carry- carry-on on bag is too big for the flflight. flight.

I spread the con­tents of my bag out across the kitchen bench. Phone, wal­let, keys, lap­top, make-up bag, mis­matchedm Tup­per­ware con­tain­ers, a portablep phone charger, the charger for the por­ta­ble phone charger, one of [daugh­ter] Evie’s shoes, a toy plane wit with one wing, a notepad, tex­tas, a brus brush, the front of one ear­ring, the backb of an­other, enough coins to feed ev­ery park­ing me­ter in town, mints, a tube of hand cream, the loose lidl of the tube of hand cream, some knick­ers, one sock, crushed Tiny Ted­dies and squishe squished sul­tanas, the kids’ book W Where Is The Green Sheep?, an emp­tyempt kids’ wa­ter bot­tle and a wet pa pass­port. Did you know that a wa wa­ter-dam­aged pass­port is in­valid in­valid? I do now. I’ve alw al­ways en­vied those women who have n neat, empty hand­bags. I crave thattha hand­bag. Ev­ery time I get a new hand­bag, I vow to make this the o one that stays tidy. I last a day and thent “life” gets in the way. My h hand­bag’s weight has fluc­tuat fluc­tu­ated over the years. I tried us­ing a small hand­bag for a while, but then my arms were al­way al­ways over­loaded with stuff, and I ended up spilling coffe cof­fees, smash­ing phone scre screens and drop­ping my key keys down a lift well. Hand­bags are a ne­ces­sity, th though. The Queen has a hand­bag! And even she h has ran­dom things in it. Yes, Her Maj has a hook in her lit­tle neat hand­bag. Ap­par­ently, the Queen’s bag must never touch the floor, so she has a hook so she can hang it off ta­bles. In­ge­nious. See, you just never know what you might find in a lady’s bag. It’s like a sneak peek into her soul.

But my 12.6-kilo dead weight is bring­ing me down. It’s al­most cer­tainly re­spon­si­ble for my sore back and slop­ing shoul­der. Add the weight of my daugh­ter and I’m of­ten car­ry­ing more than 20 ki­los! Who needs the gym?

Maybe I need a back­pack? I saw a girl bounc­ing down the street with a lit­tle back­pack the other day and thought, how cute does that look? Not to men­tion how much hap­pier it would make my physio. Prob­lem is, I’d never fit my life in there. It’s just not prac­ti­cal. If I were to have a back­pack, it would need to be more of a ruck­sack. You know, the ones with buckles that do up around the waist. That’s ex­actly what I need. A ruck­sack!

Aussie Dis­pos­als, you know where to find me. Car­rie co-hosts The Project, 6.30pm week­nights, on Net­work Ten.

“You never know what you might find in a lady’s bag. It’s a sneak peek into her soul”

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