“The most challenging of all Yuletide events is the Work Christmas Party ”
Hark! What sound from yonder breaks? The sleigh bells are jangling, Bublé is crooning and the corks are a-poppin’. All of this heralds the arrival of Yule, which, I realise, , I haven’t yet prepared you for.
This year we seemed to suddenly leap from the e ritual, “Can you believe it’s April l already?” chat with Karen inn Accounts, to the impending,ing, any-second-now, chimney-thump y-thump of Christmas.as. And I must assist you u to negotiate the season, which, while it is full of jolly and holly, may alsoo be marked by folly and d regret.
I speak, ak, of course, of the officeffice parties, the most t challenging of all the e Yuletide celebrations. ions. As brutal as Tough h Mudder, the Work Christmas hristmas Party – otherwisese known as The Guaranteed eed Way to Wreck Your Career/relationship/ reer/relationship/ New Officeffice Photocopier – is a minefield.nefield. So I’m here to sharehare what I know. And to remind you it’s silly season, stupid, not stupid season, silly!
The following ollowing are the rules s of the Work Christmas Party (WCP). Ignore them if you wish (just as you may try to ignore Ben from Warehouse when he goes all Charlie Sheen on you after eight proseccos and a wheel of Blue Castello). Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
1. Pace yourself. The WCP is the so social equivalent of those marathonsmarathon they run in the Gobi Desert Desert: pure endurance. Survival comes down to hydration hydration, good footwear and sheer grit. And breath mints.
2. Respect your betters betters. Best on ground at the WCPW is never the person you you’d expect. Here, the last manm (or woman) standing is normally the mildest of colleagues… FOR THE OTHER 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR. Tonight, they they’ll be slurring the lyrics to “Time Of Your Life” intoin a mop that was brough brought in to clean up after Renee f from Reception lost her dinner.dinn Or chasing girls to sit on Santa’s lap and pull something out of his sa sack. Or stealing people’s iph iphones to take selfies of her chaboombas/his tokley tokley. Either way, legend stat status is assured. And deserv deserved.
3. Get your money’s worth. We’ve all seen Kevin from Sales jam a stubby in each pocket, just so his hands are free to build replica Twin Towers out of the ring’o’prawns, and then scoff them while everyone else is left with the salmonella dip (no wonder Renee was sick). It doesn’t make us like Kevin, but hey, winner, winner, prawn dinner.
4. There’s no business like show business. If there’s a band, get out your tambourine. If there’s a group dance, start bootscootin’. Unless your boss is like Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut and you’re asked to turn up wearing only a hood and a Viennese mask, it’s better to participate. Better to be the fun fool, than the Grinch feeling superior from the sidelines.
5. Never get on a boat. I don’t care if it’s a $2 million superyacht, don’t do it. Because you are trapped out there. And there is nowhere to get off. The most important of all WCP rules?
6. Have the merriest of merry Christmases. And remember: there are no work friends; there are only friends.
I’m here to remind you it’s silly season, stupid, not stupid season, silly!”