JOE HILDE­BRAND risks all with his preg­nancy sur­vival guide – for men.

Sunday Herald Sun - Stellar - - Contents - Joe Hilde­brand co-hosts Stu­dio 10, 8.30am week­days, on Net­work Ten.

“When a woman gets preg­nant, it’s usu­ally a sign that she wants more fur­ni­ture”

Be­fore I be­gin, I want to stress I’m writ­ing this from a place of love. Namely heaven, be­cause as soon as this is pub­lished, I’m a dead man.

What I’m about to of­fer is a preg­nancy sur­vival guide. Granted, this is not a new con­cept – thou­sands of books have been writ­ten on the sub­ject.

The only dif­fer­ence is this is a sur­vival guide for men. Oh, and that I may not sur­vive writ­ing it.

My only hope is that it will be pub­lished af­ter my wife’s preg­nancy is over, by which time I will have ei­ther faked my own death in the Mal­dives, or be gently pick­ing dried flakes of baby spew from her lux­u­ri­ant hair.

In ei­ther case, we will both have big­ger things to worry about. So, with­out fur­ther le­gal com­pli­ca­tions, I present… THE MID­DLE­CLASS SUB­UR­BAN MAN’S GUIDE TO SUR­VIV­ING PREG­NANCY Les­son 1: The Re­veal This is a trap for be­gin­ners. Pre­cip­i­tat­ing signs in­clude your sig­nif­i­cant other mys­te­ri­ously drink­ing less while you mys­te­ri­ously start drink­ing more. Rec­om­mended re­sponses in­clude: “I can’t be­lieve I’m go­ing to be a fa­ther!” and, “I thought you were glow­ing!” Non-rec­om­mended re­sponses in­clude: “I can’t be­lieve I’m go­ing to be a fa­ther!” and, “Can it wait un­til the ad break?” Les­son 2: Med­i­cal Ser­vices In the brave new world of tech­nol­ogy, you can’t just pop a kid out in the back of a sta­tion wagon like the good old days. You have to visit a doc­tor, get ul­tra­sounds and go to a “hospi­tal”. Talk about red tape. Any­way, here is a ba­sic guide to your op­tions: Pub­lic Go to a pub­lic hospi­tal where the mid­wives tell you you’re do­ing ev­ery­thing wrong, then pull out a baby. Ba­sic Pri­vate Go to a pub­lic hospi­tal where the mid­wives tell you you’re do­ing ev­ery­thing wrong, then charge you $10,000. Pre­mium Pri­vate Go to a ho­tel room with whale songs play­ing, un­til you end up in a pub­lic hospi­tal where the mid­wives take away your whale songs. Les­son 3: Emo­tional Sup­port When a woman gets preg­nant, it’s usu­ally a sign that she wants more fur­ni­ture. Your role is sim­ply to sup­port her in this jour­ney.

If you live within 12 kilo­me­tres of an IKEA store, which these days cov­ers more of the Aus­tralian pop­u­la­tion than Voda­fone, you will need three things: 1) A map; 2) A com­pass; 3) No other plans for the next 39 Satur­days. Les­son 4: Learn­ing To Let Go There are a lot of things that dis­ap­pear when your part­ner be­comes preg­nant, in­clud­ing her an­kles and your money. Men­tion any one of these and you will not live to see the baby. Les­son 5: Emo­tional En­gage­ment It’s good to share feel­ings, but wires can get crossed. Some tips to avoid con­flict: Af­ter work Her: “You think it’s hot? I’ve been stuck on the couch – you’ve been in an air-con­di­tioned of­fice all day!” You: “Would you like a foot mas­sage?” Af­ter din­ner Her: “Who was that fash­ion blog­ger you were talk­ing to all night?” You: “Would you like a foot mas­sage?” Be­fore bed Her: “My feet are killing me.” You: “I think that blog­ger is a les­bian.”

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