has an issue with the paparazzi – they don’t take his picture.
OK, I’m going to come right out and say it: I have a massive problem with the paparazzi. No matter where I go, no matter who I’m with, no matter what I’m doing, they never take a picture of me.
Honestly, whether it’s at my local Aldi or asking for the generic brand at Priceline or making my weekly tax-deductible donation at the Bunnings sausage sizzle, they just never seem to be around. I don’t know who’s in charge of those guys, but they seem to be missing all the hotspots.
As far as I’m aware, I have had only one encounter with the paps, namely when someone took a picture of me walking downown the street and then tried to sell it to The Daily Telegraph.
I later learnt the final bidding price was $3.50, a figure the Telegraph picture editor ultimately rejected as “a bit pricey”.
This was as perhaps partly because, at the time, I was seated about three desks away eating a bucket of KFC, or maybe just good financial instincts. Either way, I managed to get out of the building unscathed. Of course if I were a real celebrity I’m sure the paparazzi would be invasive, aggressive and unscrupulous. But the good news is, it’s not particularly hard not to be a celebrity. All you have to do is, well, not be a celebrity. In fact most people I know manage to do it every day. Which is why – and I’m just going out on a limb here – most people are bemused when actual celebrities complain about getting unwanted at attention. Sure, in a perfect world you would be celebrated purely for your contribution to the arts or the pursuit of physical perfection, but the real world often seems to disappoint in that regard. The problem with being a celebrity is that it often comes with being famous – although certainly not always as many reality TV stars will attest. This means the public wants to know stuff about you, which in turn creates a demand for blurry longrange photos of nonplussed facial expressions which in turn causes other people to conclude you’ve either just had a shock break-up or are in the middle of a shock reconciliation. Often both!
In many ways, this could actually be helpful. As it stands, if I want to know if my wife is divorcing me, I have to hack into her Facebook account. But if I ever make the big time, I can just buy a copy of New Idea.
Of course, I know what you’re thinking: “Joe, you’re just desperately jealous that truly famous people like Jonathan Coleman get photographed and you don’t.” But in fact that’s only 99 per cent of the point.
What I’m really trying to say to my genuine fellow celebrities is: relax! If being famous is honestly that bad, we can all go and get jobs in a coal mine somewhere.
But let’s not get caught up in frippery here.
It’s not the end of the world that people are taking your photograph – it’s when they stop taking it that you really have to worry.
Also, I’m available for Mc-ing work and trivia nights if anyone would like to contact my agent.
“I have a massive problem with the paparazzi. They never take a picture of me”