Pre­mier, let me tell you what I know

Sunday Herald Sun - - Opinion -

PRI­VATE and con­fi­den­tial. For eyes of the Pre­mier Only. In­ves­ti­ga­tion into Cabi­net leaks based on au­dit of min­is­ters’ phones.

Sum­mary page: The chances of this in­ves­ti­ga­tion iden­ti­fy­ing the leak based on our very ex­pen­sive cal­cu­la­tions, is zero. Nev­er­the­less, we can re­veal the fol­low­ing about your Cabi­net col­leagues that you may find use­ful when­ever your sub­or­di­nates tick you off.

Min­is­ter 1: Talks to his mother ev­ery day. Oedi­pus com­plex?

Min­is­ter 2: Healthy sex­ting re­la­tion­ship with lady who ap­pears to be his wife.

Min­is­ter 3: Healthy sex­ting re­la­tion­ship with lady who is most cer­tainly not his wife.

Min­is­ter 4: Tipped mates into a “sure thing” in the first at Wan­garatta on Satur­day that sub­se­quently fin­ished 13th.

Min­is­ter 5: Has re­duced life to to-do lists and sched­ules toi­let breaks in daily re­minders.

Min­is­ter 6: Fer­ries chil­dren to bas­ket­ball. Can­not con­tinue to jug­gle re­spon­si­bil­i­ties of both gov­ern­ment min­is­ter­ship and ju­nior sports trans­port co­or­di­na­tor, given a sec­ond child’s en­thu­si­asm for Milo Cricket.

Min­is­ter 7: Pre-em­i­nence of Glo­ria Gaynor and Sinead O’Con­nor on Spo­tify mu­sic li­brary sug­gest per­sonal cri­sis.

Min­is­ter 9: In­ter­net search his­tory shows fond­ness for Rich­mond Foot­ball Club, which points to a propen­sity for grudges, lead­er­ship spills and mood shifts. Pri­mary leak sus­pect.

Min­is­ter 10: Ex­changes of puerile ban­ter with male friends sug­gest un­qual­i­fied for pub­lic of­fice, much less adult­hood. Shows a will­ing­ness to pinch ideas and claim as his own. On re­flec­tion, prom­ises to have a won­der­ful ca­reer in pol­i­tics.

Min­is­ter 11: Cracked screen and iPhone 4 model im­plies a fear of change. Not team player, prob­a­bly the smartest per­son in the room. May have leaked — just ... ’cos.

In con­clu­sion, we sug­gest you con­sult satir­i­cal TV se­ries Veep (sea­son 5, episode 6) when the vi­cepres­i­dent called an in­ves­ti­ga­tion into a re­port one of her staff called her “the worst word you can call a woman”. Ev­ery­one has been whis­per­ing much the same thing about the Pre­mier, in more en­light­ened terms, this be­ing Vic­to­ria, and some­one, some­where, declar­ing we must all bow to “No Gen­der De­cem­ber”. Call us if you need to know who’s gluten-free, who’s in love with The Bach­e­lor, and who’s sleep­ing with who.

Fat in­voice en­closed … PA­TRICK CARLYON IS A SUN­DAY HERALD SUN COLUM­NIST pa­trick.carlyon@news.com.au

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