Premier, let me tell you what I know
PRIVATE and confidential. For eyes of the Premier Only. Investigation into Cabinet leaks based on audit of ministers’ phones.
Summary page: The chances of this investigation identifying the leak based on our very expensive calculations, is zero. Nevertheless, we can reveal the following about your Cabinet colleagues that you may find useful whenever your subordinates tick you off.
Minister 1: Talks to his mother every day. Oedipus complex?
Minister 2: Healthy sexting relationship with lady who appears to be his wife.
Minister 3: Healthy sexting relationship with lady who is most certainly not his wife.
Minister 4: Tipped mates into a “sure thing” in the first at Wangaratta on Saturday that subsequently finished 13th.
Minister 5: Has reduced life to to-do lists and schedules toilet breaks in daily reminders.
Minister 6: Ferries children to basketball. Cannot continue to juggle responsibilities of both government ministership and junior sports transport coordinator, given a second child’s enthusiasm for Milo Cricket.
Minister 7: Pre-eminence of Gloria Gaynor and Sinead O’Connor on Spotify music library suggest personal crisis.
Minister 9: Internet search history shows fondness for Richmond Football Club, which points to a propensity for grudges, leadership spills and mood shifts. Primary leak suspect.
Minister 10: Exchanges of puerile banter with male friends suggest unqualified for public office, much less adulthood. Shows a willingness to pinch ideas and claim as his own. On reflection, promises to have a wonderful career in politics.
Minister 11: Cracked screen and iPhone 4 model implies a fear of change. Not team player, probably the smartest person in the room. May have leaked — just ... ’cos.
In conclusion, we suggest you consult satirical TV series Veep (season 5, episode 6) when the vicepresident called an investigation into a report one of her staff called her “the worst word you can call a woman”. Everyone has been whispering much the same thing about the Premier, in more enlightened terms, this being Victoria, and someone, somewhere, declaring we must all bow to “No Gender December”. Call us if you need to know who’s gluten-free, who’s in love with The Bachelor, and who’s sleeping with who.
Fat invoice enclosed … PATRICK CARLYON IS A SUNDAY HERALD SUN COLUMNIST email@example.com