Single out Mr Right
Look for what you need, not want, in search for a man
SINGLE ladies, take note — if you are chasing what you want, not what you need, in a relationship then you are doing it all wrong in the search for Mr Right.
Relationships Australia counsellor Sue Yorston said understanding the difference was the key to finding the perfect other half.
“We often have too many preconceptions about what we want and it’s not what we need,” he said.
“Knowing the difference is really hard because it means knowing yourself but it’s also crucial to finding the right partner.”
Melbourne’s Stacey Morris, 31, didn’t “connect” with her Mr Right when she first bumped into Kim Findlay, 31, at Derby Day two years ago, as she didn’t like his sunglasses.
He was different to other men she’d dated. While those relationships hadn’t worked out, she felt she still had a type and, besides, his glasses weren’t the style she fancied.
They are now engaged and share an apartment with their dog, Harry, in North Fitzroy.
“Sometimes what you’re looking for actually isn’t right for you,” she said. “I had the wrong idea about what I wanted because I look back now and think I could have missed out on this amazing man just because I didn’t like his sunglasses or he didn’t fit into my idea of my type.
“But Kim is definitely my Mr Right, I knew from our first date.”
Kim approached Stacey at the races but it was a month before she agreed to go out with him. She finally relented and they had a brilliant first date. “We instantly got each other’s jokes and spent the whole weekend Christmas shopping together,” Stacey said.
“Now that we know each other’s families, we realise that we share the same values about work and family.
“We agree on most things and have times when we disagree, but it’s over small things.
“We never let the small things become too big and realise that we’re lucky to have each other.”
Ms Yorston said maturity was crucial in understanding yourself as it helped choose the right person.
“There’s nothing wrong with chemistry and sexual attraction because they are valid, but beneath that, there has to be some time put into exploring life aspirations and values because that helps you determine whether you can live your life with this person,” she said.
Self-help author Domonique Bertolucci said the first question women should answer is — are you looking for Mr Right or Mr Perfect.
“They give me these lists that are as long as my arm that no real-life human being has any hope of meeting, so then I ask them to think a bit more,” she said of client visits.
“I ask them to think about what their negotiables are and what their non-negotiables are.
“What qualities does this person absolutely have to have and qualities would they like them to have? There should be about six non-negotiable and five or six negotiable items.
“The non-negotiables should be six out of six and the majority of the negotiables should be met.
“This is a good exercise because it allows people to see why their relationships haven’t worked in the past. Usually they have had some, but not enough, of the non-negotiable qualities.”
Bertolucci admitted it is much more difficult to find Mr Right because socialising occurs in restaurants and bars, and forming relationships at work is often actively discouraged.
Dating apps and online sites work for many, but there had to be an understanding it is a numbers game.
“You have to kiss a lot of frogs online ... it’s part of the process,” Bertolucci said.
Brazilian shaman Antonia Ruhl said finding Mr Right was about listening to your heart.
She said to trust the “spark”, chemistry and butterflies experienced when falling in love.
“We have all had the experience of meeting the most gorgeous man but we don’t fall in love because it’s a chemical reaction,” Ruhl said.
She advised sitting down quietly and writing as much as you can about your ideal life and your ideal man. “The more detail, the better, but then re-read it and start to dissect the fantasy.”
Kim Findlay and Stacey Morris are engaged, but she didn’t like his sunnies at first. Picture: ALEX COPPEL