Sin­gle out Mr Right

Look for what you need, not want, in search for a man

Sunday Herald Sun - - World - CATHER­INE LAM­BERT

SIN­GLE ladies, take note — if you are chas­ing what you want, not what you need, in a re­la­tion­ship then you are do­ing it all wrong in the search for Mr Right.

Re­la­tion­ships Aus­tralia coun­sel­lor Sue Yorston said un­der­stand­ing the dif­fer­ence was the key to find­ing the per­fect other half.

“We of­ten have too many pre­con­cep­tions about what we want and it’s not what we need,” he said.

“Know­ing the dif­fer­ence is re­ally hard be­cause it means know­ing your­self but it’s also cru­cial to find­ing the right part­ner.”

Mel­bourne’s Stacey Mor­ris, 31, didn’t “con­nect” with her Mr Right when she first bumped into Kim Find­lay, 31, at Derby Day two years ago, as she didn’t like his sun­glasses.

He was dif­fer­ent to other men she’d dated. While those re­la­tion­ships hadn’t worked out, she felt she still had a type and, be­sides, his glasses weren’t the style she fan­cied.

They are now en­gaged and share an apart­ment with their dog, Harry, in North Fitzroy.

“Some­times what you’re look­ing for ac­tu­ally isn’t right for you,” she said. “I had the wrong idea about what I wanted be­cause I look back now and think I could have missed out on this amaz­ing man just be­cause I didn’t like his sun­glasses or he didn’t fit into my idea of my type.

“But Kim is def­i­nitely my Mr Right, I knew from our first date.”

Kim ap­proached Stacey at the races but it was a month be­fore she agreed to go out with him. She fi­nally re­lented and they had a bril­liant first date. “We in­stantly got each other’s jokes and spent the whole week­end Christ­mas shop­ping to­gether,” Stacey said.

“Now that we know each other’s fam­i­lies, we re­alise that we share the same val­ues about work and fam­ily.

“We agree on most things and have times when we dis­agree, but it’s over small things.

“We never let the small things be­come too big and re­alise that we’re lucky to have each other.”

Ms Yorston said ma­tu­rity was cru­cial in un­der­stand­ing your­self as it helped choose the right per­son.

“There’s noth­ing wrong with chem­istry and sex­ual at­trac­tion be­cause they are valid, but be­neath that, there has to be some time put into ex­plor­ing life as­pi­ra­tions and val­ues be­cause that helps you de­ter­mine whether you can live your life with this per­son,” she said.

Self-help au­thor Domonique Ber­tolucci said the first ques­tion women should an­swer is — are you look­ing for Mr Right or Mr Per­fect.

“They give me these lists that are as long as my arm that no real-life hu­man be­ing has any hope of meet­ing, so then I ask them to think a bit more,” she said of client vis­its.

“I ask them to think about what their ne­go­tiables are and what their non-ne­go­tiables are.

“What qual­i­ties does this per­son ab­so­lutely have to have and qual­i­ties would they like them to have? There should be about six non-ne­go­tiable and five or six ne­go­tiable items.

“The non-ne­go­tiables should be six out of six and the ma­jor­ity of the ne­go­tiables should be met.

“This is a good ex­er­cise be­cause it al­lows peo­ple to see why their re­la­tion­ships haven’t worked in the past. Usu­ally they have had some, but not enough, of the non-ne­go­tiable qual­i­ties.”

Ber­tolucci ad­mit­ted it is much more dif­fi­cult to find Mr Right be­cause so­cial­is­ing oc­curs in restau­rants and bars, and form­ing re­la­tion­ships at work is of­ten ac­tively dis­cour­aged.

Dat­ing apps and on­line sites work for many, but there had to be an un­der­stand­ing it is a num­bers game.

“You have to kiss a lot of frogs on­line ... it’s part of the process,” Ber­tolucci said.

Brazil­ian shaman An­to­nia Ruhl said find­ing Mr Right was about lis­ten­ing to your heart.

She said to trust the “spark”, chem­istry and but­ter­flies ex­pe­ri­enced when fall­ing in love.

“We have all had the ex­pe­ri­ence of meet­ing the most gor­geous man but we don’t fall in love be­cause it’s a chem­i­cal re­ac­tion,” Ruhl said.

She ad­vised sit­ting down qui­etly and writ­ing as much as you can about your ideal life and your ideal man. “The more de­tail, the bet­ter, but then re-read it and start to dis­sect the fan­tasy.”

Kim Find­lay and Stacey Mor­ris are en­gaged, but she didn’t like his sun­nies at first. Pic­ture: ALEX COPPEL

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