Bourne to run
THIS terrible, thrills-free thriller is all about striking while the iron is plugged into the power socket.
The electricity of the Twilight phenomenon may have zapped Taylor Lautner to super stardom but it sure ain’t gonna keep him there.
Once the Twi-hards grow up and go soft in the head for some other generic smouldering hunk, Lautner will be handed his one-way ticket straight on to DVD.
So the race is on for Hollywood to cash in before this shooting star totally flames out. Enter Abduction.
There’s no getting around the fact that this movie is as about as cuttingedge as unmowed grass and as dumb as a sack of bolts. Lautner plays Nathan, a tormented teen rebel who has been diagnosed by his long-time shrink ( Sigourney Weaver) as suffering from ‘‘ insomnia, impulsivity and rage issues’’.
These symptoms will also become familiar to viewers of Abduction in the hours and days after they have seen it.
Literally minutes after Nathan discovers his dad and mum ( Jason Isaacs and Maria Bello) are not his parents at all, some Eastern European-ish mobsters are knocking on the front door. Some fisticuffs and blam-blam-blams later, everyone except Nathan is dead and the house is blown to smithereens.
The first of many unintentional laughs to be had in Abduction transpires when Nathan is informed by a dying hoodlum ‘‘ there is a bomb in the oven!’’ Nathan runs into the kitchen – towards the explosives – opens the oven door, stares at the ticking device within, then finally decides to run for his life.
And indeed it is running for his life that occupies Nathan’s minimal IQ for the rest of the film.
With the cute girl across the street ( Lily Collins, pictured with Lautner) at his side, and both the baddest gangster in the world ( Girl With the Dragon Tattoo star Michael Nyqvist) and the entire CIA on his trail, Nathan becomes the Jason Bourne of his local junior high.
A forensic examination of the wreckage strewn about by Abduction reveals Lautner has a repertoire of two facial expressions to get by before the cameras.
His first, and favourite, roughly translates as ‘‘ I have a stone in my shoe. And it is causing me some discomfort’’.
Lautner uses this look at every opportunity, whether to convey the immense gravity of a heavy dramatic situation or perhaps order himself some lunch.
The second look is used only sparingly, and goes something like ‘‘ I no longer have a stone in my shoe. And, hey, you’re kind of hot!’’
The ladies love this one, and it gives them a fleeting glimpse of the happy, pheromonally fetching Lautner they’d really like to, you know, get to know.