Noth­ing can save this sucker

Sunday Tasmanian - Tassie Living - - Movies - LEIGH PAATSCH

THIS con­sti­tutes what could well be the most point­less pres­i­den­tial ‘‘ what if?’’ that will ever be asked by a Hol­ly­wood movie. ( Un­less, of course, some­one gets a green light for John F.

Kennedy: Disco Dancer, or Barack Obama: Stamp Col­lec­tor.)

So, um, what if Abra­ham Lin­coln – the whiskery, black- hat­ted fel­low who lived at the White House in the 1860s – had a se­cret life as a butcherer of blood­suck­ers?

The an­swer even­tu­ally sup­plied is even less in­ter­est­ing than the ques­tion it­self.

Hon­est Abe’s mum had her veins drained by a vam­pir­i­cal slave trader and once he is old enough to make good on his oath of vengeance, Abra­ham ( played by a charisma- chal­lenged chap named Ben­jamin Walker) goes un­der­cover as a clerk at a gen­eral store.

Ev­ery once in a while, a sea­soned vam­pire tracker ( Do­minic Cooper) sends him a note that there is a fanged men­ace nearby. Abe then gets out his sil­ver- tipped axe and goes hunt­ing.

Be­tween grotesque gigs, Abra­ham also finds the time to build a promis­ing ca­reer in pol­i­tics, and win the hand in mar­riage of the best- look­ing babe in town ( Mary El­iz­a­beth Win­stead).

It is a dull slog for the most part, in no way helped by ac­tion se­quences oc­cur­ring inside the digi­tised fog of some very murky 3D vi­su­als. The shoddy end re­sult for Abra­ham Lin­coln:

Vam­pire Hunter comes as some­thing of a sur­prise, con­sid­er­ing it was di­rected by the very tal­ented film­maker Timur Bek­mam­be­tov ( the Rus­sian who burst to promi­nence with Night

Watch in 2004). Just what got Bek­mam­be­tov en­thused by this tale ( based on the novel by Seth Gra­hameSmith) is never made clear on screen.

He tries ev­ery trick he knows – the bul­let- time slow- down in pe­ri­ods of com­plete chaos is clearly his fave M. O. – but noth­ing works.

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