Nothing can save this sucker
THIS constitutes what could well be the most pointless presidential ‘‘ what if?’’ that will ever be asked by a Hollywood movie. ( Unless, of course, someone gets a green light for John F.
Kennedy: Disco Dancer, or Barack Obama: Stamp Collector.)
So, um, what if Abraham Lincoln – the whiskery, black- hatted fellow who lived at the White House in the 1860s – had a secret life as a butcherer of bloodsuckers?
The answer eventually supplied is even less interesting than the question itself.
Honest Abe’s mum had her veins drained by a vampirical slave trader and once he is old enough to make good on his oath of vengeance, Abraham ( played by a charisma- challenged chap named Benjamin Walker) goes undercover as a clerk at a general store.
Every once in a while, a seasoned vampire tracker ( Dominic Cooper) sends him a note that there is a fanged menace nearby. Abe then gets out his silver- tipped axe and goes hunting.
Between grotesque gigs, Abraham also finds the time to build a promising career in politics, and win the hand in marriage of the best- looking babe in town ( Mary Elizabeth Winstead).
It is a dull slog for the most part, in no way helped by action sequences occurring inside the digitised fog of some very murky 3D visuals. The shoddy end result for Abraham Lincoln:
Vampire Hunter comes as something of a surprise, considering it was directed by the very talented filmmaker Timur Bekmambetov ( the Russian who burst to prominence with Night
Watch in 2004). Just what got Bekmambetov enthused by this tale ( based on the novel by Seth GrahameSmith) is never made clear on screen.
He tries every trick he knows – the bullet- time slow- down in periods of complete chaos is clearly his fave M. O. – but nothing works.