Hor­ri­bly en­ter­tain­ing

Sunday Tasmanian - Tassie Living - - MOVIES -

NOT so much a movie as a near- lethal shot of testos­terone ad­min­is­tered through the eyes, The Ex­pend­ables 2 is chock- full of strange- look­ing men aged 50 and above.

All of of them go­ing blah- blah- blah and blam- blam- blam in merry uni­son.

Best brace your­self for the scenes where lights are too bright or shirts have come off. Many of these cin­e­matic geri­atrics look as if they’ve got their lo­cal plas­tic sur­geon on speed- dial, and a jar of hu­man- growth hor­mones in the fridge.

I might also add at this junc­ture that The Ex­pend­ables 2 is a hor­ri­ble mo­tion pic­ture that is hor­ri­bly en­ter­tain­ing. As op­posed to the orig­i­nal The Ex­pend­ables, which was just plain hor­ri­ble.

The big diff this time is that ev­ery­one in­volved is in on the same joke, and they all tell it very well in­deed.

Sylvester Stal­lone, at 66 years of age, and his posse of past- their- prime pul­veris­ers – led by Chuck Nor­ris ( 72), Arnold Sch­warzeneg­ger ( 65), Bruce Wil­lis ( 57), Dolph Lund­gren ( 54) and JeanClaude Van Damme ( just a kid at 51) – have a grand old time re­vis­it­ing for­mer gories. Sorry, that should be glo­ries.

So if you grew up bask­ing in the bloody after­glow of these buffed- up besties do­ing their worst, The Ex­pend­ables 2 will put you in a state of nos­tal­gic nir­vana.

The plot? Let’s not go there. Stal­lone and his team of co- writ­ers didn’t. So why should we?

All you need to know is that five tonnes of weapons- grade plu­to­nium is about to be il­le­gally mined, and then sold on the open mar­ket to the rich­est nu­clear ter­ror­ist.

Yep, that’s right. The Ex­pend­ables must save the world. To do so, they must stop the vi­cious vil­lain who has al­most fin­ished split­ting all the ra­dioac­tive rocks he can find.

Van Damme plays the role well, mus­ter­ing all the camp cru­elty he can for a char­ac­ter whose sur­name is – wouldn’t you just know it? Vil­lain.

The set- piece skir­mishes of The Ex­pend­ables, which com­mence in Nepal and end in an Al­ba­nian air­port ter­mi­nal, are strato­spher­i­cally over- the- top.

The death, de­struc­tion and vi­o­lence on dis­play are as sub­tle and shock­ing as a Taser down your trousers.

The best that can be said of these spec­tac­u­larly stoo- pid scenes is that you can’t look away from them. But my, oh my, you can laugh at them.

News is trick­ling in that Stal­lone and his gang of grin­ning reapers have sent mem­ber­ship forms to Steven Sea­gal, Ni­co­las Cage and Har­ri­son Ford for The Ex­pend­ables 3.

Never thought I’d be say­ing this, but bring that on.

OH, MY KNEES: Sylvester Stal­lone and a youth­ful Yu Tan take ac­tion.

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