A flaming bag of poop
MOVIE 43 ( MA15+)
Directors: various Stars: Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Halle Berry, Naomi Watts, Richard Gere, Chloe Moretz Now showing: Village Cinemas Missed the first 42? Feel free to miss this as well THE moment this mountainously moronic slab of dud comedy sketches hit US screens last month, the negative word of mouth went positively viral.
So is Movie 43 a car crash? No, that would imply this crappy comedy vehicle actually got moving at some point.
What about a train wreck? Nah, it would have had to spend some time on the rails to begin with.
How about a flaming paper bag full of poop left on the doorstep of your mind? Yeah, that may as well do.
Just don’t go asking me how any or all of the reputable names listed above wound up flouting their established goodwill with audiences, as if it were a bare bum pressed against the back of a bus window.
Most of ’ em are on Twitter these days. Ask ’ em yourself.
So let’s cut to the chase. Follow along at your own speed. You’ll have no trouble catching up.
Hugh Jackman goes out to dinner with Kate Winslet. She is the only person there who notices he has two big, hairy testicles dangling from his neck. To put it politely, these are two busy baubles. They land in some soup, are draped across the head of a baby, and later wobble about the face of Winslet herself.
There is no punchline, per se. This is indeed the case for the whole of Movie 43. Each sketch proceeds long enough to go into the red on your ick- o- meter, then we are hustled forth to the next one.
Halle Berry busts out a boob and makes guacamole with it. Naomi Watts busts an incestuous move or three on her teenage son.
Chloe Moretz goes into a state of uncontrolled menstruation, while the many males go into a state of uncontrolled panic.
Richard Gere invents an MP3 player in the shape of a naked woman. An improperly placed cooling fan results in the sudden castration of many owners of the device.
There’s more implied castration at the ready when Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott kidnap an angry leprechaun played by Gerard Butler. You should get the picture by now. There is no picture to get.
However, I’m not going to go as far as those who have presumptuously declared Movie 43 to be the worst film of all time.
It does have at least one redeeming feature for which it must be commended: more Hollywood filmmakers should follow the brave lead of Movie 43, and include their collective IQ in the title.
TURKEY, BASTED: Halle Berry in the forgettable