A flam­ing bag of poop

Sunday Tasmanian - Tassie Living - - MOVIES - Leigh Paatsch

MOVIE 43 ( MA15+)

Direc­tors: var­i­ous Stars: Hugh Jack­man, Kate Winslet, Halle Berry, Naomi Watts, Richard Gere, Chloe Moretz Now show­ing: Vil­lage Cinemas Missed the first 42? Feel free to miss this as well THE moment this moun­tain­ously mo­ronic slab of dud com­edy sketches hit US screens last month, the neg­a­tive word of mouth went pos­i­tively vi­ral.

So is Movie 43 a car crash? No, that would im­ply this crappy com­edy ve­hi­cle ac­tu­ally got mov­ing at some point.

What about a train wreck? Nah, it would have had to spend some time on the rails to be­gin with.

How about a flam­ing pa­per bag full of poop left on the doorstep of your mind? Yeah, that may as well do.

Just don’t go ask­ing me how any or all of the rep­utable names listed above wound up flout­ing their es­tab­lished good­will with au­di­ences, as if it were a bare bum pressed against the back of a bus win­dow.

Most of ’ em are on Twit­ter th­ese days. Ask ’ em your­self.

So let’s cut to the chase. Fol­low along at your own speed. You’ll have no trou­ble catch­ing up.

Hugh Jack­man goes out to din­ner with Kate Winslet. She is the only per­son there who no­tices he has two big, hairy tes­ti­cles dan­gling from his neck. To put it po­litely, th­ese are two busy baubles. They land in some soup, are draped across the head of a baby, and later wob­ble about the face of Winslet her­self.

There is no punch­line, per se. This is in­deed the case for the whole of Movie 43. Each sketch pro­ceeds long enough to go into the red on your ick- o- me­ter, then we are hus­tled forth to the next one.

Halle Berry busts out a boob and makes gua­camole with it. Naomi Watts busts an in­ces­tu­ous move or three on her teenage son.

Chloe Moretz goes into a state of un­con­trolled men­stru­a­tion, while the many males go into a state of un­con­trolled panic.

Richard Gere in­vents an MP3 player in the shape of a naked woman. An im­prop­erly placed cool­ing fan re­sults in the sud­den cas­tra­tion of many own­ers of the de­vice.

There’s more im­plied cas­tra­tion at the ready when Johnny Knoxville and Seann Wil­liam Scott kid­nap an an­gry lep­rechaun played by Ger­ard But­ler. You should get the pic­ture by now. There is no pic­ture to get.

How­ever, I’m not go­ing to go as far as those who have pre­sump­tu­ously de­clared Movie 43 to be the worst film of all time.

It does have at least one re­deem­ing fea­ture for which it must be com­mended: more Hol­ly­wood film­mak­ers should fol­low the brave lead of Movie 43, and in­clude their col­lec­tive IQ in the ti­tle.

Movie 43.

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