The ten laws of the Logies
Ahead of tonight’s 56th annual TV Week Logies Awards, Debbie Schipp presents the Ten Commandments for attendees at the ceremony
1 THOU SHALT KEEP SPEECHES SHORT … AND FROCKS LONG
Congrats. You won. Now smile, wipe away a tear if you must, thank who you need to – and get off quickly. It’s Sunday night. Viewers work tomorrow. And a lot of money has been sunk into those after- parties.
As for the frocks, two words: Brynne Edelsten.
2 THOU SHALT BAG THE HOSTS
Whether or not they do a good job. Think Bert Newton’s back- to- back efforts from 1959 to 1980 and Andrew Denton’s daring double. On the flip side, first female solo host Wendy Harmer likened it to cutting off your arm with a blunt chainsaw, and Gretel Killeen was howled down on Twitter in 2009.
3 THOU SHALT, IF HUMANLY POSSIBLE, STEAL A LOGIE
Every year, there’s an opportunistic Logie- napping or lost Logie. Last year, organisers provided bags to end the trail of lost Logies. Winners promptly forgot to take the bags.
4 THOU SHALT EXPLAIN TO GUESTS WHAT IS GOING ON
It helps to avoid incidents like in 2006, when Joan Rivers fronted for presenting duties, tired, emotional and hilarious, took one look at a statuette and declared it the ugliest award she’d ever seen.
… AND DON’T INSULT THOSE GUESTS
In 1979, Bert Newton said of guest Muhammed Ali: “I like the boy” – unaware it was a racial slur. Bert was doing a clumsy cross- promotion – the words were the catch- cry of an ad Newton was in at the time.
5 THOU SHALT AVOID TANDOORI TANS
Fake tan early, not often. Jodi Gordon, Carrie Bickmore and a host of Home and Away- ers have learned from their tandoori tragedies. Memo to Real Housewives of Melbourne’s Gina Liano: we’re not expecting you to adhere to this one.
6 THOU SHALT NOT TWEET FROM THE ROOM
Twitter plus delayed telecast equals spoiler.
7 THOU SHALT PLAY THE LONG GAME
Don’t drink before the red carpet, sip sparingly throughout the ceremony and keep it nice at the after- party. It helps to avoid scuffles with security or those after- party incidents like waving your underpants over your head on the dance floor.
8 THOU SHALT NOT DO MORNING TELEVISION UNDER THE WEATHER
Karl Stefanovic, 2009. We’re talking to you.
9 THOU SHALT DRAW GASPS ON THE RED CARPET
Stunt dresses. Daytime TV presenter Susie Elelman and her “girls’” specialise in them, in all their gravity- defying grandeur.
10 THOU SHALT FOLLOW THE TRADITION OF KERRI- ANNE
Channel Kerri- Anne Kennerley. Be inexhaustible, charming and, of course, last to leave the dance floor.
56TH ANNUAL TV WEEK LOGIE AWARDS
Sunday, 7.30pm, red carpet; 8pm awards coverage, WIN