A real waste of space

Sunday Tasmanian - Tassie Living - - WEEK IN MOVIES -

JUPITER AS­CEND­ING ( M)

Di­rec­tors : Andy and Lana Wa­chowski

( The Ma­trix)

Star­ring : Mila Ku­nis, Chan­ning Ta­tum, Ed­die Red­mayne, Dou­glas Booth, Tup­pence Mid­dle­ton

Ver­dict: So far out of this world, yet never goes the dis­tance

SUCH a shame pro­duc­ers were so keen on the ti­tle Jupiter As­cend­ing.

With just a few script tweaks, this long, dull and down­right bizarre bore- a- thon could have been more aptly named Uranus Numb­ing.

This bump­tiously bonkers space fairy­tale is largely com­posed of some old Cin­derella tropes, a lit­tle bit of

Star Wars and ran­dom sec­ond­hand stuff nicked from across the sci- fi spec­trum.

Though film­mak­ing sib­lings Andy and Lana Wa­chowski will for­ever be re­mem­bered as the cre­ators of the highly in­flu­en­tial The Ma­trix, the gap be­tween their fin­gers and an au­di­ence’s pulse is now as wide as our so­lar sys­tem.

It is hard to de­clare which is more amaz­ing: the fact Jupiter As­cend­ing was made at all, or that any­one thought burning a bud­get of more than $ 200 mil­lion on this blaz­ing brain- fade was a grand idea.

Mila Ku­nis stars as Jupiter, an im­mi­grant Rus­sian toi­let cleaner from Chicago flushed by fate across the uni­verse to a planet where she is hailed to be a right royal princess.

A con­niv­ing trio of Jupiter’s new re­gal peers ( played by Ed­die Red­mayne, Dou­glas Booth and Tup­pence Mid­dle­ton) are so happy to meet her, you know they just want to kill her.

Thank the stars, for our hero­ine’s sole guardian an­gel: a pointy- eared half- dog- half- man that owns a pair of groovy fly­ing boots. His name is Wise and he is played by Chan­ning Ta­tum.

If you haven’t al­ready aban­doned this re­view to join the near­est queue for Jupiter As­cend­ing tick­ets, let me as­sure you the movie con­jures even less must- see magic than its crummy plot­ting prom­ises on pa­per.

The freaki­est per­for­mance in a film full of wacky weird- outs comes from Os­car fave Red­mayne ( The­ory

of Ev­ery­thing), who whis­pers, lisps, wheezes and squeals his lines in a man­ner that beg­gars all be­lief.

While Red­mayne’s com­mit­ment to a role where ev­ery choice he makes is wrong is ac­tu­ally kind of ad­mirable, it is rare to see an ac­tor of his cal­i­bre miss the mark so hope­lessly.

Con­versely, Ku­nis and Ta­tum grow on you af­ter a while.

Be­ing a Wa­chowski movie, the 3D vi­su­als are gen­uinely 50 shades of wow, but ev­ery­one knows that isn’t enough th­ese days.

Now show­ing Vil­lage Cine­mas

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