A real waste of space
JUPITER ASCENDING ( M)
Directors : Andy and Lana Wachowski
( The Matrix)
Starring : Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth, Tuppence Middleton
Verdict: So far out of this world, yet never goes the distance
SUCH a shame producers were so keen on the title Jupiter Ascending.
With just a few script tweaks, this long, dull and downright bizarre bore- a- thon could have been more aptly named Uranus Numbing.
This bumptiously bonkers space fairytale is largely composed of some old Cinderella tropes, a little bit of
Star Wars and random secondhand stuff nicked from across the sci- fi spectrum.
Though filmmaking siblings Andy and Lana Wachowski will forever be remembered as the creators of the highly influential The Matrix, the gap between their fingers and an audience’s pulse is now as wide as our solar system.
It is hard to declare which is more amazing: the fact Jupiter Ascending was made at all, or that anyone thought burning a budget of more than $ 200 million on this blazing brain- fade was a grand idea.
Mila Kunis stars as Jupiter, an immigrant Russian toilet cleaner from Chicago flushed by fate across the universe to a planet where she is hailed to be a right royal princess.
A conniving trio of Jupiter’s new regal peers ( played by Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth and Tuppence Middleton) are so happy to meet her, you know they just want to kill her.
Thank the stars, for our heroine’s sole guardian angel: a pointy- eared half- dog- half- man that owns a pair of groovy flying boots. His name is Wise and he is played by Channing Tatum.
If you haven’t already abandoned this review to join the nearest queue for Jupiter Ascending tickets, let me assure you the movie conjures even less must- see magic than its crummy plotting promises on paper.
The freakiest performance in a film full of wacky weird- outs comes from Oscar fave Redmayne ( Theory
of Everything), who whispers, lisps, wheezes and squeals his lines in a manner that beggars all belief.
While Redmayne’s commitment to a role where every choice he makes is wrong is actually kind of admirable, it is rare to see an actor of his calibre miss the mark so hopelessly.
Conversely, Kunis and Tatum grow on you after a while.
Being a Wachowski movie, the 3D visuals are genuinely 50 shades of wow, but everyone knows that isn’t enough these days.
Now showing Village Cinemas