It could send me bananas

HIM PAUL HO­GAN

Sunday Tasmanian - - News -

IAM an ex­pec­tant fa­ther and I have no idea what I am do­ing. All I re­mem­ber from my high school health class was the teacher, an enor­mous man, show­ing us how to put a pro­phy­lac­tic on a ba­nana.

I never looked at the gro­cery shop­ping the same way again. Al­though I’m proud to say not a sin­gle mem­ber of my grad­u­at­ing year fa­thered a piece of fruit.

When my girl­friend and I found out the big news, thanks mostly to a bas­ket load of pregnancy tests –I re­ally should have shares in Chemist Ware­house – I had to se­ri­ously Google what hap­pens next.

There is an ex­pec­ta­tion that the fu­ture man of the house will know what to do. We don’t. All I do know is that we are ex­pe­ri­enc­ing this pregnancy. Men feel it. Be­lieve it.

I took a bone chill­ing call on my ra­dio show this week. A woman’s hus­band had started lac­tat­ing when their baby was born.

Were we talk­ing a driz­zle? A car­ton? A pud­dle?

No. It was only a trickle. I feel quite pow­er­ful now that I know that I can make peo­ple do. But dairy is a whole new ball­game.

Then there are the crav­ings. Wow. At 6.45pm on Mon­day, my lovely well bal­anced girl­friend de­manded that she be pre­sented with a stir fry. Happy to oblige, I of­fered to scoot down to the lo­cal Chi­nese.

I was in­structed, in no un­cer­tain terms, to go to the su­per­mar­ket. A shop­ping list was shoved in my di­rec­tion.

A 20-minute round trip had me ar­rive home to a hun­gry, preg­nant woman. She only had one thing to say; “Now I want a pie”.

I did what any as­sertive man would do. I got straight back in the car and headed to Woolies.

Sym­pa­thetic preg­nan­cies ex­ist. I Googled it. Male part­ners, like me, are known to ex­pe­ri­ence nau­sea, vom­it­ing, bloat­ing and stom­ach cramps.

All symp­toms I’m al­ready fa­mil­iar with this sea­son as a Colling­wood sup­porter.

There is an ex­pec­ta­tion that the fu­ture man of the house will know what to do. We don’t.

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